This post is an anonymous guest post
Im sitting here with my 4 and a half month old son fast asleep upstairs, my fiancé playing xbox and me chatting away to some lovely mummies on the Supermums group .. sounds so lovely and settled yes ? Well things haven’t been this settled lately.. here is my story of how post natal depression affected me.
My pregnancy was a roller-coaster of emotional highs and lows. After losing our daughter Lily , 19 weeks 3 days into my previous pregnancy, both me and Andy (my fiancé) were understandably apprehensive yet excited about our new journey. The first 20 weeks were filled with nerves. I was convinced something was going to go wrong. Then things progressed further through my pregnancy and finally we began to settle with the fact we were finally going to get our happy ending. Or so we thought.
Auron entered the world on 28th July 2011 at 5.09pm. Weighing 6lbs3.5oz. I remember the moment he was placed onto my chest. I held him close and said ”My baby”. But I didn’t feel that ”rush of love” that’s talked about so much when people mention the first time they met their newborn baby. But I didn’t think about that, there was so much going on I didn’t have time to think properly at all.
We got discharged the next day at 4.30pm , and off we went to start our life as a family unit. We had been back home for 4 weeks , and id spent the majority of that time shut away, tearful, angry, just a total mess of emotions. But I just put it down to being baby blues. I put on an act when visitors came around, I was going through the motions. Doing what was expected of me. Then we moved into our first family home. That’s when things came to a head.
I found myself alone , once Andy had gone to work, it was just me and Auron. I remember I was so stressed all the time, for no real reason , I started having panic attacks. We were having arguments at home, they were getting worse by the day. The way I was feeling was affecting everything. But I kept brushing it all under the carpet, pretending nothing was happening. I was in denial. Until one evening.
Andy was working late, it was the first time id been home alone with Auron at night time. He was 8 weeks old. I was putting him to bed, he had his bath , I gave him his bed time bottle and lay him down in his moses basket. Then he just wouldn’t settle, he was screaming and crying and holding his breath. I just totally lost it, I had a panic attack, I was in tears. I found myself just wishing he would shut up.
I didn’t care how.
I just needed to shut him up. Then I realised exactly what I was thinking. My blood ran cold. I put Auron’s night light on , popped his dummy back in , even though my hands were shaking like mad. And went downstairs. I called my mother in law in floods of tears and she couldn’t make sense of what I was saying so she rushed round. Auron had settled himself off to sleep and I was sitting on the living room floor crying my eyes out.
She asked what was wrong and after a few minutes I finally said ”I thought I was going to kill him Jan.
I thought I was going to kill my baby.
He wouldn’t stop screaming, I was alone, I just wanted him to stop.
He settles for you and Andy but not me. Why not me. I cant do this. I cant ”. And she didn’t speak. She just sat there with me until Andy got home and I told him everything. All them feelings id been hiding.
The next day I was at the doctors. I felt physically sick in the waiting room but I knew what i had to do. I went in there and told the doctor everything. She diagnosed me with severe postnatal depression and put me onto mirtazapine.
I’ve been taking them for 12 weeks now and I can honestly say they have made such a difference, I don’t have panic attacks any more, I am loving being a mommy. And my relationship is so much better now. Our arguments are once in a blue moon. No more than the average couple. And I enjoy every moment I spend with my son.
It breaks my heart knowing how I felt towards him back then. But I am so thankful that nothing happened to him. I couldn’t live without him.
I wrote this to show people that even though I had these thoughts and got to such a terrible low , I am here now , at the other side, me and my son have an amazing bond , and my little family unit is still here , still going strong.
So please any ladies who feel this way and are suffering in silence please don’t. I felt like if I told anyone then they would take my son away and id never see him again. But that isn’t the case, people need to know so you can get the help and support you need. Please don’t hesitate! Its so worth it.