Candy-filled baskets are as much a part of Easter as dyed eggs and disturbing Easter bunny photos, so this year I set out to raid the Easter aisle in search of the grossest, most objectionable Easter candies (and chocolates). You may already be familiar with my stance on the hollow chocolate bunny, but I wanted this experiment to include eggs, marshmallow treats, and religious emblems made with milk chocolate. Because those do exist. What I discovered was a world of odious candy and chocolates unlike anything I’d ever imagined.
As I sampled each candied disgrace, I realized that these candies may just be fodder for a snarky blog post for me, but somewhere in the world there’s a child hoping the Easter bunny brought him or her a delicious cream egg or a solid milk chocolate bunny instead of an insidious marshmallow creature or a chocolate version of their lord and savior. That made me very sad, but it reminded me why I write this blog. If I can spare one parent, uncle, grandmother, or Easter bunny from putting these bizarre treats in a child’s basket, I’ll be able to go to sleep at night knowing that I did everything in my power to rid the world of Easter candy disappointment.
1. The Peeps Totem Pole of Hell
Some new guy at Peeps headquarters — which I imagine is made out of marshmallow goo and edible food glitter — had this bright idea to take disgusting marshmallow Peeps we all love to hate and put them on a stick to create what’s being marketed as the Peeps Rainbow Pop. I think Peeps Totem Pole of Hell is more fitting, but what can I say? I may not be a marketing gal, but I do know a thing or two about eating food, and no treat should ever be capable of doing this:
I suppose the best thing about the Peeps Totem Pole of Hell is that if you’re buying Easter candy for someone, this is the only item you’ll need, because he or she will be too sick after eating this to even think of taking the ears off of a chocolate bunny.
2. A Chocolate Egg With a Peeps Fetus Inside
It looks like a normal, edible chocolate egg, but surprise! They snuck one of those nasty marshmallow peeps in there. Even though it clearly depicts the lone Peep in the chocolate egg right on the package, I was hopeful that maybe the one I got missed the Peep impregnation stage during the production process.
I was not that lucky.
I delivered a three inch long, healthy, sexless Peep, weighing approximately 259 grams (of sugar) and promptly tossed it in the trash, because even the dog doesn’t deserve to fed Peeps.
3. Coldstone Creamery’s Ipecac Egg
I didn’t realize that everyone’s favorite everything-but-the-kitchen-sink ice cream chain had entered the Easter candy market, but they have. There were a few egg options, but when I saw that they were peddling a chocolate covered cake batter egg with rainbow sprinkles and cookie dough, I knew I had to try it. When I took it out of the package, it felt heavy, which is usually the sign of quality egg. I was cautiously optimistic this one might actually be okay.
Until I took a bite of it and almost threw up in my mouth.
I do not say this lightly, but that egg may have been worse than the Peeps Totem Pole of Hell.
4. Russel Stover’s Milk Chocolate Jesus Fish
I know you probably read that and thought, “No, they didn’t…” Unfortunately, yes they did. I know Easter is a religious holiday and eating the body of Christ is part of it, but does that also mean it’s okay to eat a chocolate Jesus fish???
I get uncomfortable when I see people driving around with a Jesus fish plastered on their Honda’s rusty bumper, never mind eating a chocolate version of Jesus’s familiar logo. I love chocolate as much as (and possibly more than) anyone, but eating this just felt wrong. But it also felt wrong throwing it away!!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS!!!! So it’s still in the fridge with just the tail eaten.
4. Hershey’s Holy Chocolate Cross
I’ll give Hershey’s credit for making Easter candy that’s solid chocolate, but is it just me who thinks it feels a little sacrilegious eating a venerated religious symbol? I mean, can we bring it down to a whisper here for a second. Didn’t Jesus die on one of these? Is that something we really want made into chocolate so we can put it our mouths and eat it? It only got worse when I took this out of the package and discovered my cross was broken.
I took it as a sign and moved on.
5. Russell Stover’s “White Pastelle” FU To Easter Candy Consumers
Nothing that claims to be chocolate should ever be white. I know may be sitting there thinking, “I like white chocolate!” but I’m willing bet you’re like me, a devout chocolate lover who wants to belief all of her heart that chocolate could never be bad. Well, you’re right. Chocolate can’t ever be bad, but white chocolate is not real chocolate. There is nothing legitimate about this white substance, and you should never eat it under any circumstances. I know this, but I wanted to give it a chance, anyway.
Do you have any dreams that you fear will never come true? Do you have ambition, goals, and hope? Well, if you want to know what it’s like to see those all disappear in one bite, by all means buy this white pastelle insult to humanity. One bite and you won’t care about having nice things ever again. That’s just what white chocolate does.
Please do yourself a favor and avoid putting these candies and chocolates in your loved ones’ Easter baskets, and do not be tempted to buy any of this crap when the Easter candy is 50% off on Monday. There is so much better candy out there worthy of developing type 2 diabetes.
Happy Easter!