I have decided that I am moving back to LA. I need to learn to breathe again, and LA is the only place I have felt truly happy and at home. Sure, I'm going to miss my family, but I need to be where I can live my dream. I'm not fully certain I will go back to acting, but I will continue writing and use my contacts there to do a book trailer and promote my book.
Today the divorce is final. Here is the final letter I wrote to my ex:
Everything is final now. I readily admit that this process rocked me to my core. It shook my faith and forced me to rethink every aspect of my life. Divorce is like death, because it is the death of a family and a dream. I grieved for us, but mostly I grieved for the future you painted. I’ve grieved for little Conner the most. He deserved fun parents like those in Easy A, but if we would have had him, he would have had a full time mom and a summer time dad. Little boys deserve far more than that.
I will always feel used by you. Like I was some experiment that failed. I’m sorry, but I can’t change the way I feel. I took my vows very seriously, each one a promise firmly cemented in my mind and soul. I wish you had done the same. I chose not to break my vows until the divorce was final. Marriage needs to mean something again. Without it, there are no real promises left in the world.
I am angry that you took a mistress in the end. Knowing you, you were telling her how much you loved her inside a month. I’m guessing you added in how perfect she is, and that you two had to go through tough times to find one another. How I fell for all that is beyond me. Perhaps I should blame it on youth.
You have publicly disgraced me. To the world, I am a woman that isn’t deserving of respect. These final moments have shown everyone who you believe me to be. Nothing more than your once whore. I have no faith left in humanity. I have prayed for you every day since the last time we spoke. I pray that you find peace, and let go of the hatred. Anger is exhausting, and it keeps us from seeing all the good in the world. Your anger is so deep that I’m afraid it blinds you. I’ve feared you for over two years because of it. Even when I dared to entertain the idea of divorce, I was afraid of what you would do if I brought it up.
My greatest fear has been realized. The human I was supposed to be able to trust above all others has permanently altered me in the most intimate of ways. Life doesn’t give do-overs. There is no going back from this. The woman I was supposed to become is gone.
Although I plan to never choose marriage again, I will always honor it and encourage others in their journey. I will continue to believe in God and have faith in his will, and I will do my best to seek good and light in the world. God alone can outweigh the darkness I feel crowding my soul.
From this time on I have put you in God’s hands. When I think of you, I will try to remember the man that’s eyes lit up when he saw me. The man that opened my door, pulled out my chair, and stood when I left the table. The man that spoke of the future with certainty and purpose. The man that vowed his heart and life to me. When I think of you, I will remember the man you say you pretended to be.
Okay, so it wasn't the sweetest letter, but I don't think he deserved sweet. I'll say it again, marriage needs to mean something again. Even the word divorce has lost it's sting. What is life without integrity?
Regardless of the situation, I look forward to this next chapter in my life. For once, all I have to worry about is me. What do I want? I want to stand on a mountaintop overlooking orange and avocado groves and just breathe.