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Which also isn't true; I'm 39 weeks, one week from my due date, but I feel as though I'm never going to have this baby. With my son, I was induced at 39 and 1 and I thought for sure I would have the second baby way earlier than I had him. Maybe why that's why this has been so hard for me; I've worked myself up and thought about every possible scenario of having her and nothing has happened yet.
I kept thinking:
What if I have her before we leave Cleveland?What if I go into labor on the drive to Georgia?What if I go into labor and we have no one to watch Nolan?
And now I just keep thinking:
What if I have to get induced again?What if they let me go past 40 weeks?What if my these doctors aren't capable of giving me a birth experience I want?
And to be honest, I'm stressed as shit over it. I wake up, everyday, and look in the mirror and say to myself "yep, you're still pregnant."
I feel as though this baby is NEVER coming. I had a few contractions early this morning and was pumped because I thought she was on her way out. Turns out that wasn't the case because I'm eating Cap 'n' Crunch and chugging coffee from my couch.
But I honestly don't know how much longer I can take any of this. I am SO uncomfortable and yes, the baby will come when she's ready. I get that. And I would never want to rush her any earlier if I thought it was unhealthy. But if you've ever been pregnant, you know the end is by far the worst and I think I've worked myself up and felt like it's been "the end" for almost 4 weeks now.
Most of the time, time itself is a real mother effer. Depending on the case, there's never enough of it, it goes by too quickly, and it's the only way to heal most wounds. Besides "oh I had a great time" and "I had the time of my life!", most of the time (see what I did there), it's just a pain in my arse.
And that's how I feel right now. As I just sit here and not-so-patiently wait for my daughter's arrival, I'm counting down the days instead of enjoying them. Instead of focusing on Nolan's last few days as an only child, I'm cursing every minute that I'm forced to still be pregnant.
Time, you are one selfish little hussy. So any minute you want to get this show on the road, let me know.
To be honest with you, I'm feeling 150 different emotions at this point. Of course I am over-the-moon excited to meet our baby girl but at the same time, I think I'm just as excited to have her already and nip my anxiety in the butt.
So as the clock ticks and I wake up day after day, still pregnant, I'm going to try and enjoy my last few days of sleeping in, napping with Nolan, and giving him my undivided attention. I know our world is about to change in every way and I'm going to try my best to keep my negative Nancy thoughts out of the picture. Medically, it's unsafe to go much longer than 40 weeks and although these doctors have made me feel less than comfortable under their care, I know they're still doctors and will do what's best for the baby and me.
So on that note, I'll see you tomorrow friends. Still pregnant, I'm sure....