Don't give a gym membership, diet club membership, "healthy meal" delivery etc. unless the person has very specifically asked for it. Including and especially if you're only assuming that they don't already do or have these things because of your stereotypes about fat people, or as a passive-aggressive hint that you think they may "need" the gift. Instead, if you want to give a gift, consider choosing something based on the person's actual likes and interests rather than stereotypes and fat-shaming. Or maybe a nice gift certificate.
Don't be the food policeDon't monitor, comment on, or concern yourself in any way with fat people's (or any sized people's) food choices at parties, holiday dinners or, hey, ever. If we need the food police, we'll call Pie-1-1. If you feel like you might have to deal with the Family and Friends Food Police, here are some tips. If you want some ideas to help when you witness this kind of food shaming, check here.
Don't give a fat-shaming cardWay too many fat people get cards with some version of "We love you and we want you to lose weight because we want you to be around a long time." If you honestly can't figure out why "Happy Holidays! Please don't die of fat because mourning you would be a major bummer for us" isn't an appropriate message for a holiday card, then please just take my word for it this is a bad idea. And also, consider that giving cards may not be for you. The person to whom you deliver this little Hallmark moment may be able to defend themselves in court successfully with "Your Honor, they needed a killin"
This happened to my partner a few years ago and she chose to cut ties with the relatives completely, about which it seems they are upset. Bad behavior can have undesired consequences for everyone, don't put your fat friends and family in this position.
Don't engage in diet talk or negative body talkThis suggestion isn't just to help fat guests, but also for guests of any size who may be dealing with eating disorders, or guests who are interested in conversations that aren't boring as hell. Find something else to talk about than why you are or are not eating what you are or are not eating. Skip the 5-minute soliloquy on what you feel you have to do to punish yourself for eating pie, and ask somebody at the party to tell you about themselves instead, or go watch TV, or play on your phone, whatever.
Don't comment on body size changesNothing says "Happy Holidays" like knowing that your relatives are monitoring your body. You might think it's a compliment to ask if someone has lost weight but that question is super loaded - perhaps they've lost weight because of illness, grief, medication, an eating disorder, or something else unwanted or unintentional. Perhaps they are uncomfortable with having their body size made into a topic for discussion (maybe because it's hella inappropriate...) Perhaps they haven't lost weight and, however well-intentioned you may be, they take it as backhanded or passive-aggressive. (Or perhaps you intended it to be backhanded or passive-aggressive in which case you're being an ass, won't you please be a dear, and knock that shit off.) If you want some suggestions for wading through the tricky world of weight loss compliments (like what to do when someone tells you've they've lost weight and then looks at you expectantly), you'll find that here.
Don't stage some kind of weight loss interventionThis should be a big pile of obvious in an obvious box with an obvious bow, but every year some asshat who wants to be thought of as " brave" writes an article about how the holidays are the perfect time to fat shame your relatives "for their own good." First of all, people's weight and health (two different things) aren't your business unless they ask you to make them your business. Even if you don't believe that, the holidays are definitely not the time to do this. And if you feel that you have to do this at the holidays because it's the only time you see that person, then consider how relevant you really are in their lives and whether you have any business doing this at all. Then don't. Just don't. Do Not. Don't. Trust me when I tell you, you are not The Fat Person Whisperer.
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Book and Dance Class Sale! I'm on a journey to complete an IRON-distance triathlon, and I'm having a sale on all my books, DVDs, and digital downloads to help pay for it. You get books and dance classes, I get spandex clothes and bike parts. Everybody wins! If you want, you can check it out here! ( DancesWithFat Members get an even better deal, make sure to make your purchases from the Members Page!)
Book Me! I'd love to speak to your organization. You can get more information here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!
I'm (still!) training for an Iron-distance triathlon! You can follow my journey at www.IronFat.com .
If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.
Hi, I'm Ragen Chastain. Speaker, Writer, Dancer, Choreographer, Marathoner, Soon to be IRONMAN, Activist, Fat Person. View all posts by danceswithfat