Being in a relationship, it has its challenges. But watch closely as we talk about how to stop the doubt in your relationship. Here you are in a relationship and you're wanted to go well but oh... And why is this doubt coming into your relationship?
Like what's happening? You got these questions going on. You know, you kind of look at this relationship and you're wondering about it.
You may even feel like this insight feeling like you are almost wanting to pull away from this relationship. Kind of distance yourself from this person. Well, this doubt in your relationship, maybe before you make a final decision, let's talk about some things about what may be happening in your relationship. Because it would not be good if there was just some small tweaks that you could do that you would miss that and you would actually get rid of this relationship.
Or step away from it. So let's talk for just a moment about where, why or how this doubt in your relationship has even come from? Well, in a relationship, when we first are connected and we're communicating in a relationship, there's a lot of new things, a lot of fresh things that are happening. You know and that could be very exciting in a relationship.
Being in a relationship, it has its challenges. But watch closely as we talk about how to stop the doubt in your relationship. Here you are in a relationship and you're wanted to go well but oh... And why is this doubt coming into your relationship?
Like what's happening? You got these questions going on. You know, you kind of look at this relationship and you're wondering about it.
You may even feel like this insight feeling like you are almost wanting to pull away from this relationship. Kind of distance yourself from this person. Well, this doubt in your relationship, maybe before you make a final decision, let's talk about some things about what may be happening in your relationship. Because it would not be good if there was just some small tweaks that you could do that you would miss that and you would actually get rid of this relationship.
Or step away from it. So let's talk for just a moment about where, why or how this doubt in your relationship has even come from? Well, in a relationship, when we first are connected and we're communicating in a relationship, there's a lot of new things, a lot of fresh things that are happening. You know and that could be very exciting in a relationship.
As time goes by in a relationship, no matter what kind of relationship it is, because an amount of time has gone by, our mind wears off of the new and starts to look at everything that is now going on. Our mind is gathering evidence. It gathers information and it gathers evidence.
And that's its job every single day. The mind is constantly evaluating the surroundings, checking on people, checking on things, checking on everything. The minds constantly gathering information. But what kind of information? What kind of evidence is the mind gathering?
You know, when we have a small difficulty, just a little one. We have a small difficulty with a person, our mind could actually turn and start to look at what other difficulties were having. What other challenges were having. Now, wouldn't you agree that being in a relationship already has its own challenges and difficulties, right?
Because there's difference of opinions, difference of flavors, difference of favorite things. So there's always these little differences. But after the newness of the relationship, the mind starts to notice these differences.
But it's what we do with this evidence. And what we do with this information that can dramatically affect our relationship. Let's check this out. In a relationship, there's one type of evidence and there's another type of evidence.
I'm going to call this the good evidence and we're going to call this the negative side of gathering evidence about this person you have a relationship with. If we gather too much evidence about what is wrong, we can push anything away. We could push a person away, we can push an opportunity away.
We can push anything away if we gather enough bad evidence. But if we gather enough good evidence, we can pull something close to us. We could engage closer with that. We could desire to have a better connection with that person. So it really comes down to how are we way out this evidence that we keep picking up on each day.
Now, I've been married for 27 years. And over 27 years of marriage, I've found that there are things about myself, there are things about my wife Kim that literally I could find enough evidence about myself to remove myself from a relationship. I could nitpick me to literally death. Really, I could nitpick myself of all the things they do wrong, all the things that I forget, everything that I'm not good at. And I could find enough evidence.
Enough evidence to justify me to walk away from the relationship. I could. I could find enough bad things in another person to push them away. You could do the same thing. You could nitpick yourself so bad and get so consumed with everything you do wrong, you could actually in that moment, just decide you're completely worthless and walk away.
You could do the same thing. In fact, anybody could do this. Wow, how are we even staying together as a relationship, right? I mean we could literally ruin all of our relationships by the type of evidence we go looking for and how we stack up that evidence. You could have a couple children and one...
Or maybe you have a couple children you've seen this happen before. But you can have a family has a couple children and there's this one child that causes all the problems. This one child that causes all the difficulty.
And all this attention gets pointed at the child that that child has all these challenges. You can stack up enough evidence about a child to turn them into a bad child. So what I'm suggesting to you here is your ability to interact in a relationship is based upon your mind.
It's based upon what you're thinking, it's based upon what you're looking for. And you can tip the scale either way. Totally tip the scale either way based upon what you're focused on. Because whatever you're focusing on, your mind is going to keep gathering evidence in that particular direction.
If your spouse is driving you crazy and they're driving you nuts and you keep looking at all the things that they're driving you nuts about, your mind is not going to stop looking for what's wrong. It's going to keep looking. That's the way the mind is. Whatever we point its attention on and whatever the intention of the attention, it will stay on that track until we turn it to look at a different way.
So let's say your spouse is driving you nuts and they do some things that irritate you. And you notice them every single day. Well, if you look at this, if you take all that evidence of what you're finding in that relationship about how they're driving your nuts, this evidence is going to stack up over here. It's going to totally do this right here. "Oh, there it is again, again, again, again, again, again, again." And you're going to keep adding it up.
And every day, your mind is geared this direction and this evidence will outweigh that evidence. And when the evidence on this side of the negative things that's going on in life, you will mentally push the relationship away and then you will physically push the relationship away. Whatever we do with our behavior, we first had that experience inside of our mind.
So as soon as we mentally start to be tired of somebody, it's only a matter of time before we physically try to remove that person from our life. Either we go away or they go away. Now that's not a healthy relationship.
Like I said before. I could do this to myself by the evidence I gather about myself or the evidence I gather about Kim. I mean, my wife Kim, she could stack up the evidence over here enough to go, "Why am I even with Kirk?" Right? She could do that. But here's the...
Here's the part to think about is this. We're going to stack up the evidence over here. And if we're not looking over here for the evidence of what's good. it gets out of balance and it comes over here and then you start to doubt. Tou start to doubt the relationship. But I've worked with many couples.
You know, coaching and mentoring couples. And come to find out the problem is is because one of them is so focused on this. And I asked the spouse, "Can you tell me anything good about your spouse?" And they can barely come up with 2 or 3 things. And what it tells me is the person is not managing their mind.
We are people. And being people, we are human and being human, we make mistakes. And when we make mistakes, what happens is if the person who is in the relationship with us, they don't let go of those mistakes, then it just starts to add up as credit or discredits at us.
And it will ruin the relationship. Now, when something does go wrong, of course you need to have conversations, right? You sort things out.
But it's how you stack the evidence. And it's sad. It is absolutely sad and just completely disheartening to see a good relationship crumble and fall apart because neither of them understood the value and the importance of managing what their mind is focused on. I was coaching a husband and wife and one of the spouses told me that when their spouse would get on their laptop and type on their laptop, that just the sound of their fingers hitting the keys on the keyboard made them really mad. And I looked at the spouse and I thought, "You get triggered by fingers on computer Keys?
Like just that noise?" And they're like, "Oh, I just can't stand the way that they type." You know, wow! What? What else what are the ways should they type? And I don't know. I just...
They just need to type different. I sat there just like flabbergasted like, "What are this person's problem?" I said, "Well, what other things drive you nuts?" Oh my goodness, they came up with the biggest, longest list of all these things that their spouse drove them nuts. And then you you can tell where I went with my next question. "Well, what do you like about your spouse?" And here over here they got like 30 things. 30 on the list of everything that they don't like. And then when it came to the good, they came up with like 4. It made sense.
Made sense why they're not doing well. Made sense whether doubting the relationship. So I gave them the challenge. I gave them the challenge.
I said the challenge is, "Over the next 7 days, you come up with 100 reasons and hundred why's you love your spouse." If you're going to look at other things that your spouse does that drives you nuts, but you're not going to find the other parts that is good, of course they're going to turn out bad. So, we need to take a look at how you tip the mind. First, you got to examine your thoughts. Then you become insightful and realize that you are not balancing your mind very well.
Now, notice I'm not pointing the finger at the other person. I'm pointing my finger at you and how you're managing your mind. So to look at where your thoughts are directed. Get insightful to notice, "Whoa, what am i doing inside of my head?" And now it's time to change the perspective.
Be able to adjust this. Be able to take a look at things in a more balanced way. If you have a lot of evidence over here and hardly any and if evidence over here, you need to take a look at the way you're thinking.
What you're focused on. But if you want the relationship to turn out well, even though you're in a place of doubt right now. If you want this relationship to turn out well, it's going to be required of you to literally find 100 reasons why this is a great relationship. 100.
If you don't manage your mind, you can't manage your relationship. Relationship is a connection. It's a physical connection, it's an emotional connection and it's also a mind connection. And if your mind wanders and starts looking for only the things that are wrong, it's just a matter of time before the relationship is over or struggling.
But it is a game-changer. It is a game-changer to get the other side of your mind activated in finding what is good. 100 different things that you love about this relationship.
100. Before you ever even think about putting distance between you and the other person in this relationship, do your list of 100. And if you want to go the extra mile, a list of 200. I know you're thinking. "Oh, that's a lot of work." It's worth the work because it has to do with your relationship.
And not doing the mind work, not making the change in the direction of your mind, you're going to keep going towards that other evidence. And sooner or later, you'll push them away. Or you'll go away. But if you sense some doubt, check in with how your mind is balanced.
It could just be tipped and you can do something about it today to tip it back. So you can feel confident and sure that you're in a great relationship. Make the list of 100. And do it soon. Don't let that doubt stay between the 2 of you.
It's not going to help at all. Take a look at your mind, tip it back. Makes a huge difference.
And take some action on that today. Your relationships worth it. Relationships are powerful. It's worth the work.
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It's all about bringing those relationships even closer. Your relationships are worth it.