How To Never Be Offended!

By Rohan @rohanforsale

*Quick note! If you missed it yesterday you should definitely check out Barbara G Tarn’s interview with myself and Alex Healy on Gyaros Book One! She’s an awesome author herself and we had lot’s of fun Check it out HERE!

What is it that causes offense? Do certain people cause offense? Or certain events? Let’s say we get two sports fans together, one supports blue team and the other supports red team. The blue team fan remarks that “Red team sucks!”, the red team fan disagrees and takes offense. But what happens when we replace the red team fan with another blue team fan, so that we now have two blue supporters together? The original blue repeats the phrase, “Red team sucks!”, the other blue agrees and is not offended. There is no conflicting belief system to take offense at the remark.

The point is that people do not offend us, in fact no one in the history of humanity has ever offended another human being! Do you want to know what actually causes us to feel offended? The answer is our beliefs, opinions and perceptions. And what’s the one thing we all know about beliefs, opinions and perceptions? That we have the power to control them, and change them at will. Those who have particularly solidified or strong beliefs, or those who are very egocentric, may find it more difficult to separate themselves from their transitory beliefs and their ego. But even they have the capacity, like all of us, to change them if they wish. When your beliefs are attacked or contradicted, you are not being attacked or contradicted! Why? Because at any time you have the ability to actually change your opinion to the point where it cannot be offensive to you.

Let’s go back to our red a blue guys. Once again blue fan yells out “Red team sucks!” and our red fan stops for a moment, removes his red shirt and puts on a blue one, and also yells “Red team sucks!” That’s why in war we have defections and in sport we have players, and even fans changing teams and allegiances. People change faiths, religions and political preferences like the changing of the seasons. Some call these traitorous acts. I call them acts of free will and exercising their ability to form whatever system of beliefs and opinions they feel like.

“It is not he who reviles or strikes you who insults you, but your opinion that these things are insulting.”

- Epictetus

So we see that people, and their words or actions cannot offend us. We know this because the offense depends on our beliefs not on what they do or say. We also know that we can change our beliefs and opinions at will. These two facts are very powerful and important, think about it! Because our beliefs offend us, and we control our beliefs, we have the ability within us, at all times, to not be offended! How do we not be offended? How do we put this into practice? Well there are two ways:

Option 1: We can do as the red team supporter did and go blue. Obviously if we change our offensive opinion and agree with the other party there will be no conflict and no cause for offense. By bringing our beliefs in line with the other person’s we cancel out the point of difference and no so no offense can be taken.

Option 2: We accept that it is not the other person who has offended us, but rather that it is our own opinion that what they say is wrong, that is offending us. However because we may prefer our own opinion, we can choose to keep our beliefs. Keep our red shirt on, but know that at any moment we could go blue, and that if we did so the offense would go away. This way we can appreciate and enjoy the difference of opinion, knowing that it’s a choice, and one that can be altered at will. We no longer feel offended or threatened by the other person because we are choosing to stand our ground in our current belief, while knowing full well we could change them at any time!

So what’s the practical application of this knowledge? Well there are two benefits from thinking about things in this way.

Benefit 1: Firstly you can stop blaming others for offending you. When you blame others you retaliate, you hate, you get angry, you perpetuate a cycle of offense and sometimes even violence. How many wars and conflicts, both global and interpersonal, could have been avoided if those people realized that it was not the person who caused the offense, but rather their own opinion that it was offensive?

Benefit 2: Secondly it instantly quells the felling of being offended inside yourself. When you understand this way of looking at things you merely have to say “I choose to not be offended by this” and you will feel the anger, rage, hurt, humiliation and lust of vengeance die down.

As always with these kinds of cognitive, philosophical exercises it is easier said than done. In the heat of the moment it can be hard to remember and put into place these kinds of complex musings. But I can tell you honestly that this has helped me a lot. When I read something hateful online, or when someone says something insensitive to me I simply breath deeply and repeat the mantra “choose to not be offended by this”

So remember, it is not the people or events that cause you offense. It is your belief that these things are offensive. When you feel offended follow these steps:

Step 1: Stop, do not react, do not post a thousand word retaliatory tirade on that internet forum before thinking it through.

Step 2: Breath. Bring air into your lower abdomen slowly, hold for a moment and slowly exhale. Do this between five and ten times.

Step 3: Remember your philosophy, that we have the ability to choose what is offensive to us and what is not at any time. And repeat the mantra: “I choose not to be offended by this”

Nasty people believe that they can assert a kind of immature power over others by riling them up and causing offense. But we know better. It’s not up to them whether we get offended or not, it’s only ever up to us!

Thanks for reading All the best!

Rohan.

Related Articles:

Rohan Healy is the author of “Greeks to Geeks: Practical Stoicism in the 21st Century”, “The 7 Things That Made Me Genuinely & Irreversibly Happy: And How They Can Do The Same For You” and Sci Fi Action/Adventure novel Gyaros: The Mice Eat Iron!

Click the book titles to visit their Amazon pages, read the reviews, and sample or purchase the books.