It never ceases to amaze me that in 2013 friends and family still struggle with the fact that I didn't change my last name when I got married. We've been married almost 2 years and together for over 3 and yet many still struggle to embrace my lack of tradition.
On our wedding day a friend said, "Are you changing your name? No, wait. Don't answer that. You're one of my liberal friends. Of course you're not changing it." I confirmed that she was right (although it had little to do with my politics) and we had a good laugh about it. My choice to keep my name had absolutely nothing to do with being liberal or conservative. It had everything to do with what was right for me and for my family.
I know lots of stepmoms who want so badly to be part of the family that they would never consider keeping their last names. They're searching for that traditional family unit even in a nontraditional setting so taking his name just makes sense. But why does that make sense? Who cares if it's tradition? Since when does sharing a name make you more or less of a family?
Most people assume I kept my last name because I'm a "professional woman". Some assumed I didn't like my husband and stepson's last name or how tricky it is to spell. Others thought I was just being a radical liberal feminist who was attempting to make a statement. None of these are true. Yes, I'm a professional woman who has built a reputation for herself. My reputation is in fact strong enough that a name change would have been irrelevant to it. I do indeed like my husband's traditional German last name and it's misspelled as often as mine, trust me. And while I am politically liberal and pride myself on being a feminist I would never make "radical" decision that impact my family simply to demonstrate those qualities. Spend more than 60 seconds with me and you'll figure that out before you know even my last name.
I chose not to change my last name because there was simply no need to. We are a family. We were a family before our wedding day and we remain a family today. Nothing other than our legal rights to one another changed that day. Neither did my last name. One of the very best things about our family is that we all come from very different perspectives and places. We are individuals. The hubs and I grew up with very different backgrounds. The Sonish comes from yet an entirely different background, living on the east coast and having his mom's family as his primary influence.
We're a family of individuals. We each bring uniqueness to our family and as a family we celebrate that. The Hubs is funny. The Sonish is wicked smart. Me? I'm the social butterfly. I would never have asked either of them to change anything about themselves to be a part of my family and they wouldn't ask that of me. Thus, everyone got to keep their names.
So often in our society we say we want equal partnerships with our significant others but we give away everything about ourselves, including our names. If we're equals, shouldn't our names be too? Why is one more important than the other? What example does it set for our children when we sacrifice our identity to take on someone else's? What do I tell my stepson when I give up who I am for the sake of sharing his last name?
Some may say I show him that I love him and want to be a part of his life. If the only thing that demonstrates that is a name change, we've got bigger problems than who's taking who's name. Some may say it demonstrates unity. Our actions, reactions, and beliefs as a family are what demonstrate our unity, our bond, and our love for one another. By choosing to keep my last name, I take the bold step every day (much to the disappointment of some friends and family members) to teach my stepson that he is an individual and so is the person he chooses to be with. My husband's encouragement of this demonstrates the support partners should always give one another. We show him what it means to be a team and still respect one another's individualism. By celebrating each other's unique gifts to our family we teach him love. That's all that really matters.