If I could use one word to describe my marriage it would be lonely. The first four months of our marriage I was without a job. Before the marriage I was living in a different city and working three jobs, so it was a hard adjustment for me to be home alone while he was at work twelve hours a day. I would be so excited when he got home. Finally, someone to talk to! Not exactly. Many nights he would eat and then leave to hang out with the guys. I would ask why I couldn't come and why the heck they couldn't make plans in advance like normal people, and he would respond that it was just how they were.
After several calm discussions, he began to realize that I wasn't trying to keep him from seeing the guys. I just wanted a heads up. The problem was that he had gotten used to me having allotted time. Now that we were married I was there all the time, so he saw me every time he was home. What he didn't understand was that sleeping next to me or eating a meal I prepared does not count as quality time. Existing in the same space does not a marriage make.
I got a job and we started to find better ways to manage our time. Things weren't perfect, but they weren't bad either. Then I found out that not all of the guy's nights were just guys. He said that they would start that way and then girls would come over. Why wasn't I invited once girls started showing up? There I was, sitting at home with nothing to do, when I could have been having fun with him. He said he would start calling me, but it didn't matter. Most of the time I was at work.
Then one fateful week I got the feeling that he was lying to me. I questioned him several times. Yes, I yelled some. Women are very intuitive, and at this point I had known him almost seven years. After several days of questioning, he told me the truth. A girl was pursuing him and he was flirting back via text. He cut off communication with her and vowed to focus on me.
Allow me to explain a few things about myself. Rarely do I express myself emotionally. To evoke such a reaction someone has to have lied to me, or offended me greatly. As a result, I am the person everyone wants in the middle of a crisis. I am calm, reasonable, and decisive to a fault. Those that know me well know that if I appear to be extremely calm, I am probably dealing with something that would cause most people to scream or weep. I simply ignore whatever emotions I would have and focus on the problem at hand.
This is how I approached his confession. For some reason he was amazed. How he could be with me for so many years and not realize this about me is nearly inconceivable. I forced him to realize that I am only unreasonable when I am being lied to, however, I chose to keep the secret of my pain to myself.
I told him that we should date and abstain in order to reconnect. (Sex will be a topic unto itself) Naturally, he thought that was ludicrous. He didn't understand that my trust in him was wavering. To me, trust is more important than love. Funny, I still don't think he understands that about me.
It is in this light that we entered in to our one year anniversary.