it has been a while since the last time i posted about my Health problems and also my depression, I thought that it was the right time for me to come on and just update everything because i am finding things more harder for me then usual. I have some good days and then bad days, I was feeling fine a few weeks ago where a few weeks before that i was so unwell that i wasn't able to go out of the house for at least 3 weeks because i could't face what was out there and plus my head wasn't right and i was slowly getting worse and worse in the same time. Saying that i haven't never been into Hospital for my depression ever and this time about 4 weeks ago i nearly ended up calling 999 because i felt so unwell and my depression was controlling me and i needed help asp, But i have always had a method that my dad taught me he always said to me calm myself down and do something to take my mind of it and it does work, but when things don't go the way i want things can get very serious for me.
Since that last episode where i wanted to go to Hospital i have been finding things more harder for myself because i have so much going in my head all the time and people doing this and that to me and also with paying my bills and missing very important things and i have also been loosing a slight bit of my memory and this hasn't happened before and i think something is coming because every time i look at something on Facebook regarding one of my old friends etc! this makes me want to start to hurt myself i have been on Facebook since the early days and this has also made me want to harm myself and even kill myself because what people says to me and bully me. I do have some good friends on there who are very supported of me and helps me out but you always get someone on there who wants to use you and gets away with it and i have had many of those in my life time.At the moment i think something is gonna come back and destroy me because i am not feeling very well again and the other night i tried to do something again by overdosing on Paracetamol because of my looks and my weight, I also drank more then one can of pepsi last night and ended up drinking about 5 cans and that is so bad for me. I have been but on medication for my depression and this sometimes does work and sometimes it doesn't. I have also been to hit people and shout to people and hit them and the longer i have to put up with things the longer i will hurt myself.
The one thing that gets me annoyed and angry is that i have physical disabilities and mental health problems and i am not saying that i have had a far share of it but i have been trying to fight my case for my Mobility car since 2000 because i lost it the same time and i have never ever been able to get it back and that makes me wanna arm myself even more because there are people out there who needs it more then them. I am just hoping that i get what is back mine and keep it and i don't think its fair that people like me who has now got serious back pain and leg pain who cannot walk that far looses out because of people who fraud's the system because i have everything to prove them wrong and if my award is yet again what i think then i will take them to the cleaners and get what is mine for sure.
I am also now limited to what i can do when i am out and about because i get this very serious pain in the lower back of my hips on the right hand side of my back and i have had this for a while now and when i am out and about within a few minutes my back is in a lot of pain and i will find it very hard to walk and even to look for things if i am shopping, I have also been to see the doctors about it and nothing has been done about it as yet, And when i am in this pain i still think about self harming and taking it to the next level because i cannot even go out now and have this very serious back and leg pain and i am crying in pain and it stops me from going out on my own and i hate it and i thought killing myself would end the pain for me. My leg and back pain is connected so the pain is now twice as bad and i sometimes i shout at people and have a go at them because of that pain i am in.
When i am out and about on my own with my pain i might end up doing something even worse then what i have tried before but this is not always the case and i try and calm myself down when i am shopping on my own because of the pain and people around me. My mom used to not come into town with me because of work etc! but now she does and she has now had to help me with everything because of my walking and my back issues My dad doesn't really support me when i have back pain or i cannot walk i just get told that i am too fat and i need to loose the weight and this puts me into a worse stage then i was before and that makes me wanna self harm yet again. When my dad sees me like i am in pain he doesn't really care and makes me walk and walk until i collapse on the road or the floor. I have had a few times when i have been shopping that my back has actually collapsed now and i had to sit on the floor in ASDA or something because the pain i am in and i get people looking at me saying why is she on the floor?
So i am starting to feel very unwell again and i don't know whats around the corner so i am gonna give myself some rest and time out from doing videos and blogs for a bit and try and get better again! With everything that has been going on and also whats been happing i don't know what i could do and i have also tried to self harm again so i am just not right in myself once again! I need some support and some advice and there is only one person out there who will come and sit down with me and support me and thats's two close friends on Facebook and they have always been there for me and helps me out so much,
I am gonna take a break from doing any blog / video posts for a while and i will be back on as soon as i am well again i am not in the spirt of blogging at the present time, don't worry i will be back as soon as i am better! You can also leave me tweets on @princessonfilm if you wish!
Rianna