I can't think about anything else it seems. I haven't fully accepted this. My faith has not been shaken, it's one of the few things giving me strength now.
I feel like I've failed them by not taking care of them like I used to. I feel like I've failed them by not being around as much and I'm being vague because the rest of my family doesn't know yet and they don't understand the gravity of this illness.
I'm just dwelling on this persons eventual death. And it got me thinking about how most people handle death. Everyone grieves in their own way and for me it's different each time I lose someone.
I feel like my life has been gutted and I'm losing one of the most important fixtures in it. I feel like there's something I can do or should do but I can't figure out what.
I am not a comfort eater, I fast when depressed because my appetite simply disappears. I isolate myself and that has my wife worrying the most. I'm all over the map when it comes to the stages of acceptance. I go from denial to anger to bartering and back. I'm going through all of them without getting any actual closure or coming any closer to acceptance.
I don't know that there's a right way or wrong way to handle death. But there are unhealthy ways and I am guilty of that but I'm trying to stay strong and as much as I thought I was prepared for this eventuality it turns out I wasn't even close.
It will take time to accept this but the one silver lining I see is that I have them time to accept this and to also say my goodbyes.
My wife lost her life long best friend about two years ago and even now she grieves and leans on me and our kids to get through her grief. She will always have a void in her life left by that friend and I will always have a void left in mine when my family member dies.
But I believe that we will be reunited with all those we've lost along the way. They will be at peace and healthy and whole again. It's not just that those we've lost will be in a better place, we will be too.