Certain Christian loudmouths love saying some natural disaster is God punishing us for “immorality” (usually homosexuality). As if they read his mind. As if they know what’s moral. As if natural disasters weren’t, well, natural.
And as if punishing the many for the “sins” of a few is any kind of justice.
At least the AIDS scourge did target mainly gays. Score one for Christians. But then came COVID — whose fatalities were concentrated among Christians refusing vaccination. A just punishment for those blind to God’s gift of science — and to vaccination also being a “love thy neighbor” thing.
On Saturday Night Live, Satan (played by Jon Lovitz) was sued in “People’s Court” by a neighbor charging harassment by, like, throwing trash on their lawn. “Throwing trash?” he thundered. “I’m Satan! Prince of Darkness! If I want to mess with you, you’ll know it!”
But Satan has indeed messed with people. Mocking one man’s seeming piety as shallow, Satan thusly taunted God himself. And that fool took the bait, testing Job just to prove Satan wrong. By rewarding Job’s virtue with a host of afflictions — including killing his kids. Well, Job passed the test, and his health and wealth were restored, along with new children. Though the dead ones stayed dead.
Now God has quite craftily set up the perfect, ultimate test for U.S. Christians. Maybe he actually collaborated with Satan, who’d tested Adam and Eve by tempting them with that apple. And together God and Satan came up with this most cunning test, bedazzling Christians with something highly seductive to them, playing them like violins — while actually representing a truly Satanic brew of immorality. A perfect storm of it.
The test questions are written on stone tablets. You know, the ones Louisiana’s Republican governor wants posted in public schools. Because we have a national government-sponsored religion.
Let’s not talk about the commandment saying slavery is okay.
But the first one says, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” Hmm, maybe problematic too. A Trump lawyer might argue the text actually allows for other gods, as long as they’re not in the top spot. Better be careful on that.
Then there’s the one about “bearing false witness” — in plain English, lying — with less wiggle room. That’s a real biggie. And we’re not talking little fibs here, but giant consequential whoppers, going to the very heart of our civic life.
And isn’t there something about adultery?
You get the picture.
God and Satan are saying, let’s see just how moral or immoral these Christians really are.
Of course, those who fail the test will go to Hell.