Our public world is not the way to define our relationship with God. Who we are is defined when no one is looking. -Jennie Allen
"Give your pen to me" he says.
I slowly hand it over, unsure as to whether I really want to.
He is gentle with me, but daily I hear the same thing: "Give your pen to me."
*****
When I began writing, every day I would pray.
I would pray "Let my words tell your story. Let my words be bigger than I am, bear witness to a greater reality." It didn't matter whether people read or not, I wanted my words to reflect God's glory.
Slowly, people began to read. I was so grateful. Then more people read, and I was excited and grateful.
But I lost sight of my original intent. I became a better writer, a more popular blogger, and a worse person. It began to be more about me, more about statistics, more about popularity. I lost sight of whose pen was in my hand and I focused on who I was.
I lost sight of God in the midst of my own noise. So I burned out. Because when it's all about me, it's uninteresting and unsustainable.
I wanted to blame it on others; I wanted to point the finger. But over and over the fingers pointed back at me.
Slowly I began to realize what I was doing. Slowly I began giving my heart and my pen back to God.
Slowly I am making my way back to the beginning, back to the bigger and better story, back to the Author.
And my longing grows stronger by the day - to bear witness to a greater reality.
*****
"Give your pen to me" he says.
Exhausted with self effort, I finally hand it over willingly. I - a slow learner, he - a patient teacher.
The pen is no longer in my hand and I sigh, realizing it was never mine to begin with.