I remember the first time I participated in the "exchange". It was torture. Pure and simple torture. The mood in the car shifted as we drove the hours to the half way point that summer. We tried to stay positive and upbeat but we all knew what was coming. Saying "goodbye for now"is one of the hardest things you do as part of a cross country parenting situation. It brings tears to my eyes even as I type.
Now the Sonish is old enough to fly back and forth to the east coast which means our "goodbyes for now" are in public but are without the pressure of the other family watching. Every time, whether it's in an airport or an Ikea parking lot, I tell the Hubs that I don't know how he's done it. How has he lived with theses "goodbyes for now" all of these years? He calmly puts his arm around me and tells me that it wont get easier, I'll just get used to it. When I ask about Christmas, he tells me the same thing. I tell myself he's right, but I don't know that I'll ever get used to it. So I've developed some of my own tips on getting through the holidays without having him at home. If you're without your favorite young people this holiday, I hope they help you as well.
1. It's ok to miss him. I told someone today that the best part of loving someone so much is that when they're not with you, you get to miss them. That probably sounds odd but not when you look at it the way I do. Loving someone as much as we love the Sonish, means that we miss him when he's not here. You can feel it in our home and throughout the rest of our lives when he's not here. Something's missing when he's not here. So I've learned to be ok with missing him. It's a reminder that I'm blessed to love him enough to actually miss him when he's gone.
2. Surround yourself with joyful people. Often the key to being joyful is being around joyful people. Spend time with family and friends who you enjoy. Christmas is a day to be happy, not miserable. Limit the time you spend with negative people and focus on time with people that lift your spirits.
Don't have anyone to spend the holiday with? Tell someone that. Your co-workers, friends, fellow parishioners, and neighbors likely assume you have plans for the holiday. They can't invite you to join them if they don't know you're alone. You're not asking for pity. You're simply seeking out the best alternative for your holiday plans.
3. Be thankful. Christmas is a wonderful time to reflect and seek out the every day miracles that happened in the past year. Why not write them down? Light the fireplace, pour a cup of eggnog, put on some Christmas music and give thanks.
4. Give back. If you can't be with those you love on the holiday seek out a shelter, church, or charitable organization that is serving people on Christmas Day. The best thing about giving to others is that I always seem to get more satisfaction from it then I give. Giving back feels great and is a wonderful way to spend your time. It occupies your mind, helps you meet new people, and fills your heart.
5. Keep your expectations low. I'll never forget the first Christmas we were a family. The Sonish was with his Mom for the holiday and we called to wish him a Merry Christmas. Hearing his voice was the highlight of my day (my apologies to my other family members who were with me that day) and as I said goodbye and I love you, he got real quiet. We'd said I love you multiple times so this wasn't new but there was something holding him back. The next time we talked he apologized saying that Mom's family members were in the room and he didn't want to upset any of them. I couldn't dream of being upset with him but I'll admit that Christmas morning I was disappointed. Try to remember that your (s)kids are in the middle even on Christmas day and they're always trying to juggle the wishes and desires of two families. They may not always say exactly what you want them to or they may pay more attention to their new gifts then you on the phone but it's not directed at you. Be patient and remember that our expectations of this day are exaggerated by all of the hype that is Christmas. Keep your expectations in check and you'll be just fine.
6. Start your own traditions. How many times have you thought about how nice it would be to have a day off to yourself or just with you and your significant other? Not that you don't love your (s)kids but we all crave time alone. So make it a day that you do something for yourself. Put in your favorite movie and lounge in your pj's all day if you're not going to be with family. Give yourself a pedicure or try new recipes and cook a romantic holiday meal for two. Read a book. Play in the snow. Go surfing. Go for a drive and look at the lights. Call up a friend who isn't expecting to hear from you and wish them a Merry Christmas.
7. Give yourself a break. So much of why we're upset without our kids on Christmas day is because we make way too much out of one day. Enjoy the time you do have, whether that's Christmas Eve, the weekend before/after, or Thanksgiving (like us). We put way too much pressure on ourselves to have some Norman Rockwell experience for the holiday when each of our families is unique and should be celebrated as such.
Wishing you the happiest of holidays!
Michelle