Normally I save the personal posts for my birthday, but June 18th is actually a very special day for me as well. June 18th is the birthday of my best friend, who was born ten days before me. Our parents were friends, we grew up together, and he’s the reason I’m Mac The Movieguy. In my bio, I talk about how I lived in a small town in Missouri for a while, so he actually had internet before me, and when I visited, he signed me up for my first email adddress… wanting me to be a gangsta. So, he picked MacDaddyNLS. I felt so silly telling people that, because I was anything but, so when I got my own email,through AOL, I ditched Yahoo, but I kept the Mac part. Mac was a suitable nickname or moniker, and I was sure my friend wouldn’t totally hate me. Now that I’m a blind film critic, I think so many people expect me to be John Stark the Blind Critic or whatever, or come up with a website like “TheBlindSide”, or something cheeky. But, a year after I got my diagnoses that I was losing my vision, my best friend, who struggled with addiction, took his own life. So for me, it’s the last thing I feel like I have of someone who meant a lot to me.
So today, I found out that this will not be my year to get into GALECA, the LGBT film critics and entertainment journalists Association. Looks like this is not my year. Of course, I often feel like this is not my year, and that I’m shouting into the wind. I keep shouting, and I do worry or wonder if I will ever run out of breath. i wonder if anything I ever shout will have ever mattered, or if in my time left on this earth, I can make a significant impact on audio description and acccessibility in film.
Part of the reason I applied, other than being an LGBT critic, was that I’m trying desperately to get the film community to have to recognize that blind people watch and enjoy film, as do people with low vision, and we need just some basic accessibility to help make that happen. Accessibility that already exists, and often just needs to travel, or be broadcast on equipment that works. Earlier this year, I was accepted in the Indie Film Critics of America which I’m very grateful for, but GALECA is harder, and could have possibly gotten me on the studios radar. Possibly having to provide me with screeners with audio description.Often, these organizations think about their own missions and the quality of the group as a whole, and do I represent that quality.
I’ve been discussing the possibility of having a guild aimed just at blind, or disabled film critics, but it seems like those numbers are really small. Seeing people like me, or the boys of The Dark Room, can inspire more people to do what we do, and maybe even do it better. I know that my website design is severely lacking, and my YouTube videos need a lot. I know that. And it is a great way to be turned down by every single organization. but, I keep trying, because if I can convince someone that my unique voice, and what I have to say is somehow special enough to warrant an exception to the average member, perhaps then I can get a door in, my voice maybe heard by someone who can do something, and we can further the discussion of audio description. but today, was not my day.
I wanted to write a thank you letter, and a shorter version of what I said above as a response to the very nice rejection letter I got from GALECA’s founding father, but he has a filter where I can’t send him a message without being on his list. I can submit a request to be added, but that requires a dreaded ReCaptcha. i shit you not, it will not load the audio option. Normally, I can’t understand it, but this time, it ignores me and just loads a new visual ReCaptcha. This service has been the bane of the blind community for a long time, and it is kind of hilarious that I’m trying to tell my story of what it’s like to be blind to a guy who has this incredibly restrictive ReCaptcha that doesn’t really work, which is exactly what I’m talking about when I say… we need voices in the room.
Advocacy for disabled people isn’t sexy. It isn’t something that gets politicians riled up. today, I feel like a failure. I’d be lying if I didn’t also admit that yesterday I felt that way, and the day before that. I’ve been trying to work through all of this, using better Help (and that’s not even a paid advertisement shoutout), but impostor syndrome is so real, and the constant reminder of my inadequacy is omnipresent. He sent such a nice email, but he didn’t say anything I didn’t already know. If I had spent an ounce of time earlier on in life doing real video editing, sound editing, or coding, I might be able to figure out something on my own. I know I’m deeply inadequate.
But, to John Griffiths, I wanted to say thank you for your consideration. Sadly, I cannot prove to ReCaptcha that I’m not a robot. your rejection letter was delightful, and you seem very nice, but if I had the answers of how to overcome my various failings, I would try to overcome them all. Now, I’m not even sure if what I type is always correct, as spellcheck often doesn’t fix everything, or changes things that don’t need to be changed, and if my screen reader doesn’t pick up the change where I can hear it, I sometimes miss it.
But, I was always taught to send a thanks in response for your time and consideration. This time, I’m once again inadequate in being able to do so.
Today certainly is a day. Love and life to my readers. Find your happy place.