At the beginning of the year, I decided I wanted 2015 to be the year of “contentment.” But over these last two months, I have felt my word has now become “serenity.” I seek it, I call upon it during meditations, and it is what I most want to achieve, or should I say reach, this year. If you’ve been a loyal reader, which let me just say thank you and how grateful I am for supporting and liking my blog. But you also may have noticed my posts haven’t quite been the same. There haven’t been as many personal posts, and not as many recipes or event inspiration. The reason for that is I’ve been going through a lot personally.
As bloggers we’re often pressured into staying on top of trends, sharing pretty things, always staying positive and inspiring with all things “happy.” But that’s not the reality of life, things are not always perfect. I’ve been wanting to share what’s been going on with you, but I hadn’t quite been able to group all my emotions together, and even now I don’t know if I can express everything the right way. I will say that things started going array, when I made a decision to take a job that was completely against what my gut was telling me to do. Instead choosing it because I felt I needed to just get any job, mostly to please others, knowing very well it just didn’t feel right to me. The more I’ve gotten to know myself as a person, the more I know that my gut is always right. So the consequences quickly began unfolding…I instantly became miserable and sad everyday because I’ve been doing something I completely hate, but even worse made me feel embarrassed and belittled, especially after all the hard work I put into strengthening my skills and gaining experience. I even passed on a chance at working with a brand that completely aligned with my passions and goals. Totally not the type of decision I should’ve made in order to reach my goals, but day in and day I grew inward, deeper in my own world, trying to make the best of it, unsuccessfully.Everyone who knows me, knows me as the positive one in the bunch, all for dreaming big, even having the word “dream” tattooed on my neck. I may preach to always choose in favor of your passions, but I don’t always follow my own words. I was having anxiety attacks, not sleeping, and would cry at just about everything, and the Diana I know, am proud of and love, is a positive girl, and that wasn’t the person I was anymore. I didn’t recognize the girl staring back at me in the mirror, and neither did those in my life. Not only was my mental health taking a toll but my physical one was too. I became really sick, which I hadn’t been in several years, had tension knots in just about every part of my body, and my recovering ACL knee was taking a beating. I wasn’t inspired by much of anything anymore, or motivated to get any creativity out – no baking, cooking, pretty crafts or florals, which of course made me even sadder.
I was constantly thinking about my past and all the decisions I had made that had gotten me here. Doubts filled my mind, but I knew they were all for a special purpose, yet the one decision I couldn’t understand making, was this one. Something within me was hesitant from the start, yet I still went against my intuition, which yelled so loudly at me not to choose that way, still I did.Every morning, I’d look at the person driving next to me and say, “Maybe they’re heading to a job, or doing something they don’t like either. We can’t always be happy working, we have to push through and make it work. But why!? Why can’t I, we, be happy with a job I have and doing what I do? Why should I settle and be miserable!” And that’s when I got the email that helped me find my light once again.Mediation has been something I’ve been wanting to work on committing to for some time, but it hasn’t been until this year and discovering Gabrielle Bernstein that it has made a profound effect in me. And it wasn’t until I received the email for Oprah and Deepak’s 21-Day Meditation Experience in Manifesting True Success, that the Universe pushed me back on my path. The words are beyond inspiring, they make you believe and help you reconnect with yourself once again. I listened to each recording and practiced my meditations driving to work each day, in hopes it would calm, encourage and make the day easier.My ultimate breakdown officially happened Day 6 of my meditation experience, just about a month after I made the decision for this job. I panicked mid-meditation, having an anxiety attack while driving on the highway. Clearly not a safe situation for me, or anyone else around. Calling J was the only thing that would calm me down, and that was that, I had to leave my day job. When I finally made this new decision, it was as if the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I’m serious, it was like I could breathe better and the sun shined brighter somehow. And this is what is feels like once you start choosing in favor or your goals and your happiness, not anyone else’s. It just feels right, everything feels right in the world. Within the same week I also signed up for daily emails from TUT and Mike Dooley. Every day I’d receive inspiring words that would make me smile, but one particular morning, clearly dreading the day ahead, this phrase appeared in my inbox.
For every fork in the road, there are often two paths from which to choose: the one you “should” take and the one you want to take. Take the second. ALWAYS take the second.
And boy was it perfect timing, because in the funny way that the Universe works it’s magic, things in my personal career with The Dreamery, took a turn! I’ve been getting inquiries for styling events, and dessert orders, so much so that I occasionally have to turn some down because I just can’t juggle that and the day job {which I still have been finishing up until a replacement is found}. This moment in my life, lit a fire within me like no other! I was motivated for The Dreamery, and my own aspirations like I had never been before. I believed in myself more than ever. Hearing those in my life support, encourage and sing my praises to whoever they could, seriously made me cry, but of JOY! Planning events, creating custom desserts – it’s in my blood, it’s what I know I’m meant to do. I’m meant to be creative, to explore, to do! And it’s funny because no matter at what age you would’ve asked me {aside from the time I wanted to be a teacher, which the Universe again has a funny way of working itself out because I’m living out that childhood dream as a cooking/baking instructor at a gourmet kitchen :) } I always wanted to work for myself, being an entrepreneur was always my dream! And that’s what I’m working towards now. You have no idea how many doors have opened up for me, and how amazing it feels that I’m getting back to normal Diana, an even better version of Diana! Of course I still have days where I feel down and it’s hard to stay positive, doubtful that the light is at the end of the tunnel or the pressure that I need a corporate job. But it is, it always is not matter the situation you’re facing. The tunnel will be closed soon, others will open and I couldn’t be more excited for what’s to come. Stay tuned, because just in the next two months, I’ve got pretty cupcakes to be made, vintage and garden inspired showers, weddings, and of course plenty of recipes, crafts and inspiration on the blog! In my personal life, this has made me truly understand myself on an even deeper level, and has strengthened my relationship with J, if that was even possible. I’ve got a summer vacation to Portugal that I’m counting the seconds to, my cousin’s wedding which means family visiting from Portugal, and a summer that I can fully enjoy now that I’m not bound to a knee brace unable to walk. But through it all the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my life by far…
Never, ever, go against your gut and intuition, because it’s like turning your back on yourself.
Why would you ever do that to yourself. YOU should be your first priority, decisions should be made to further you, because everything else in your life will then naturally fall into place as it should. We may smile, treat others with compassion and kindness, but inside we feel the complete opposite. Well keep that up, send so much positive energy outward that it will come back to you in return, just you wait!I know this post is really long, but I needed to sit down and write all these thoughts and emotions I’ve been battling, mostly for myself because I really did miss writing. But also because this blog is about inspiring you – whether it’s with recipes, or styling, beautiful photos, or encouraging words assuring you that you’re going to be more than okay on those days you yourself need a pick-me-up. So I hope this encourages and inspires you, because writing this post I get a smile on my own face, and hope it does the same for you.
So here’s just a few photos of what I’ve been up to these last few months. I promise I’m back better than ever!