I thought it was high time I explained FFS Friday as I have never done so, I just started writing the posts. FFS Friday is supposed to be a funny look at the things that have happened in my week and it's a way of keeping it real. As Sarah says, "it's cheaper than MOFO therapy" and it is. FFS Friday is my way of venting. Something happens, I write about it and then forget all about it. It's not about anger or negativity, it's supposed to be a fun, lighthearted look at what's happened during the week. That's all.
Sunday started out like any other solo parenting day. In fact it started better than most solo parenting days because we all slept in until 5.45am. Winning.
I should have got a little clue at what was to come, when in the morning the boys were playing. I was about to lay Eljay on Chai's stomach when Eljay did a huge spew all over the blanket and Chai. FFS.
We had some stuff to do so went to the the shops. When we got there I got Chai out of the car and then Eljay. Whilst I was getting Eljay out of the car Chai was playing with the car door. I went to close the door and it wouldn't close. FFS.
I thought that my handbag must have been in the way so moved back a bit and tried again, but it still wouldn't close. FFS.
That's when I noticed Chai's fingers were all black. FFS.
Naturally he couldn't tell me what he'd done to the door. FFS.
Feeling rather pleased with myself, I figured out that he must have put the child lock on. He hadn't. FFS.
Next I tried unlocking the doors. Didn't work. FFS.
By this time my mind was starting to run wild with the only possible outcome that I could think of and that was that we'd have to wait around in the hot sun for the RAC to arrive and fix the car. FFS.
In desperation I locked and unlocked the doors again and it worked! Not FFS.
We did our stuff at the shops and came home. No big deal. Eljay screamed the whole way home, stressful but nothing unusual. There was no hint of what was to come.
Eljay had a huge 3 1/2 hour sleep which gave me plenty of time to play with Chai, it was turning out to be a really good day. When Eljay woke up I was feeding him and Chai was doing his usual thing of climbing all over me. FFS.
He climbs up behind me on the lounge suite and lays across the back of my neck which is not only annoying, it's painful, so I went into the bedroom to finish feeding Eljay. Halfway through the feed, Eljay had fallen asleep and Chai came into the room to tell me he's done a poo. I asked him if he'd done it on the potty and he said no. FFS.
As he was taking me into the living room to show me where he'd done the poo I realised he had poo all over his foot and was walking it through the house. FFS.
Turns out Chai had poo'd on the chair in the dining room. FFS.
I told Chai to stand still until I cleaned him up and went to put Eljay down. That woke him up, poor little bub. FFS.
Meanwhile Chai was crying and upon realising he had poo on his foot, promptly vomited so there was poo and spew everywhere. FFS.
I grabbed a towel, wrapped Chai up and took him into the bathroom where I washed the poo and spew off him then put him in the bath. I cleaned up the spew then crawled around the house cleaning the poo off the floor. FFS.
It was all through our bedroom carpet. FFS.
I had to keep on calling out to make sure Chai was okay as he was in the bath unsupervised and I didn't want him to drown. FFS.
I got the steam mop out and gave the spew and poo areas a good clean to make sure it was all clean, then used half a spray can of air freshener to stop the house stinking. FFS.
So instead of smelling like spew our house smelt like a toilet. FFS.
By this time poor Eljay was starting to get upset, so I picked him up then went to get Chai out of the bath. I got him out of the bath and dressed without any major problems then sat down to finish feeding Eljay. Chai chose this time to start playing up and was being a little horror. When his behavior wasn't getting the desired outcome he threw a huge tantrum. FFS.
When he was still screaming twenty minutes later, I called for backup so my brother came over to help. As soon as I told Chai his uncle was coming over he cheered up and stood at the door waiting for him. Not FFS.
My brother stayed for two hours and there were no dramas. Not FFS.
That evening we were sitting in bed talking to Tiger on Skype when Chai did a huge spew all over himself, me, our pillows and the bed. FFS.
All hell broke loose. FFS.
Chai started screaming, Eljay started screaming and I sprang into action. I lay Eljay in his cot then stripped off all my clothes as I was covered in spew. I stripped off Chai's clothes and he started screaming because he didn't want a shower. FFS.
I told him I wouldn't put him in the shower but he didn't believe me so was kicking and fighting me when I was trying to pick him up. That just spread the spew further. I managed to get him into the bathroom, stood him in the bath and wiped him down with a cloth. FFS.
Poor Eljay was really, really upset so Tiger was talking to him trying to calm him down. It didn't work. FFS.
I got Chai cleaned up, stripped the bed, covered the spew with Febreeze and towels, remade the bed, got Chai dressed, all whilst stark naked. FFS.
Next I put on a dressing gown and calmed Eljay down. Then I sat there, stinking like spew, feeding Eljay whilst cuddling Chai and talking to Tiger on Skype.
Both boys fell asleep and I was trapped. I had Chai cuddled up on one side of me and Eljay on the other side of me and I couldn't move. FFS.
How they could sleep anywhere near me when I stunk so badly is a mystery. FFS.
I sent a message to Tiger telling him that I was trapped and to send help. The first part of the message didn't come up straight away so he had a heart attack as the first bit he got was "send help". It wasn't until a few seconds later until he saw the first part with a photo of me and the first line saying "I'm trapped". FFS.
At 8.30pm I had only just got both boys to sleep, I hadn't had tea, had a shower or cleaned up the second huge spew. Fun times.
Things like this never happen when Tiger is home. FFS.
I have more, but as Sunday was such a spectacular day I'm going to leave it to share the glory on it's own and I'll tell you the rest of my FFS Friday worthy moments next week.