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I'm struggling with the transition into summer. FFS!?
The endless landscaping required so that I don't give anyone a friction burn if they come in close range of my uncovered legs. FFS!?
The constant danger of blindness via the whiter than white state of my pale, pasty self, thanks to exposing the parts that had been happily covered up through the colder months. FFS!?
Being all sun-smart and wise to the dangers and aging effects of too much sun (and too lazy to spend much time outdoors doing anything in the sun beyond donning a large floatie in a pool with a swim up bar), I am decidedly white. FFS!?
I believe the term is Lily White. FFS!?
I debated spray tanning, but couldn't decide if it was PC to ask them to wait while I lifted my wobbly bits so they could spray underneath in order to get an even coverage. FFS!?
So I've gone the DIY route and started slapping on the good old fake tanning cream instead.
For another year. FFS!?
With the same results as every other year. FFS!?
I'm now part Lily White, intersected with very clear segments of Oompa Loompa Orange. FFS!?
Cue "Oompa Loompa loompity-do, I've got another problem for you!" from the movie, repeating in my head. FFS!?
I never apply too much at once, and I'm always careful to spread it out. I walk like a rusty robot for at least an hour after application, to ensure I don't rub any off or smudge it.
And yet, always with the streaks and obvious lines. FFS!?
Don't even get me started on the smell. FFS!?
There was a time when going Lily White was fashionable. I rocked it. No FFS!?
Unfortunately, that was in a previous decade. FFS!?
Where is the fake tan that says "gently sun kissed into a completely safe bronzed state" that also makes me appear slimmer than I am. Because I've heard that a good fake tan can do that thanks to contouring or some such shit. FFS!?
Don't even get me started on the smell. FFS!?