It warrants a dedicated FFS!? Friday post because it received a Triple Face Palm rating from The Feral Threesome. Observe:
I went to Miss6's school assembly for two reasons (certainly not because I'm one of those parents who participate and like to be informed and stuff):
Firstly to elicit booze from minors. Again. Addressing the parents that were hardcore enough to remain at assembly after their kid had performed/collected an award, I made witty reference to the upcoming school holidays (FFS!? right there, school holidays start at 3pm today), and how I was positive they'd be stocking up on the good stuff in preparation; that I'm sure all the kids will be so well behaved they'll definitely have a few bottles left over for me.
Insert nervous laughter...
OH WAIT...I FORGOT SOMETHING.... A few bottles left over for me to use in the school fete raffle, not specifically for my personal consumption. FFS. While I did this the Twin Tornado were stuffing their face with the snacks I'd bought to distract them with, so that they wouldn't rush the stage and take me down. My second public appearance came approximately 20 minutes later, when I returned to do my First Lady type duties as Vice President of the School P&C committee (the over-committed parents group that gets involved in every single aspect of the school and takes charge of the fundraising....refer to this post for details of how I was stupidly conned into such a role, being that I am not even close to one of those commendable, over-committed parents). I had to thank the retiring school Registrar for her years of dedicated service.
She seems nice. I've spoken to her once. I had to ask her name before taking to the stage, to ensure I addressed her correctly.
I swear someone told me she'd been at the school for 30 years.
Dedicated, yo.
So I looked at her, all misty eyed.....and it happened....my sympathetic random teary eyes started. FFS!?
I can now confirm I do an awesome Gwyneth Platrow blubbering Oscar's acceptance speech impersonation. FFS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE WOMAN - but here I was fighting back tears, speaking with a clearly emotional voice, about her many years of dedicated service. Thanking her for going above and beyond for the P&C and the school. Saying how she will be missed after so many years of service and hard work. Yeah...she'd been there no more than 3 years. Not 30.FFS. And the over-emotional tosser at the podium - IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL - lost all credibility earned with the witty jokes about enticing parents to give up their booze supplies for the upcoming school fete raffle. FFS.
It was like an out of body experience, witnessing my very own train wreck, unable to look away, unable to stop. FFS. Now I'm not only seen as a wino (FFS), but a wino who has serious emotional issues (I repeat, FFS). Of course I couldn't protest my innocence. Retiring School Registrar just loved my passionate farewell. She felt truly valued. How was I supposed to say
"Oh my bad, sure you'll be missed, but not quite that much. I swear someone said you'd been here almost as long as I've been alive." And also "And don't be thinking I'm going to miss you fiercely on account of the whole fighting back tears, and speaking with a voice thick with emotion....because that's just a nervous reaction for me. Inspired by your own misty eyes. Something that happens when someone wins a car on a game show, a cat is rescued from a tree, when I watch other people arguing or fighting - even Brooke and Ridge on The Bold & The Beautiful cue my emotional response and associated water works display." Finishing up with
"So don't go feeling special or anything, okay?"
Explaining all of that, as tactfully and eloquently as I (would've) put it, most likely would've killed her buzz. FFS So instead I will now be the parent that others visibly step to the side to avoid at school. FFS.
Should've taken my own advice and STFU. FFS
All the while, the food-less Twin Tornado had seized the opportunity to scream and laughing and play at the water fountain to the side of the undercroft while I was otherwise occupied. They were having a great time, yelling "SHIT LIV! BAHAHAHA" "SHIT JJ! BAHAHAHA". FFS.
As I beat a hasty exit from the podium everyone watched as I collected said swearing toddlers. Awesome. Awesome and FFS.
I bet I never get hassled to car pool or pick someone else's kids up after school. No play dates coming my way. And, for the record, I was not even drunk. But I totally get that you may feel the need to ask that question. FFS.