Controlling myself when I can't walk away from the situation to compose myself is brutally difficult and something that I really struggle with.
Denying my needs and putting those of my children first is also extremely difficult.
Breaking the habits of the past is another difficult thing.
I've done it before and it's time to do it again. I've decided to stop yelling at my kids.
What prompted this? Last Friday.
Last Friday I totally lost it and screamed at the boys. I had a huge headache, Eljay had been crying for no reason all day, the boys were fighting constantly and I'd had enough. So I screamed at them.
I screamed as loud as I could.
I screamed out all my pain, rage and frustration until I felt better. I felt better but the boys didn't. Funnily enough, Eljay stopped his crying and didn't give a damn that I'd yelled at him. Chai was upset.
I calmed down, apologised to them and moved on. No point beating myself up about it. Accept it, deal with it and move on.
It's not okay, it's not acceptable and I'm not going to do it any more.
I don't like it when they yell at me so why is it okay for me to yell at them? It's not. And it's going to stop. Now. Today. No more yelling.
I won the smacking battle and now it's time to conquer the yelling battle. I can do it. I will do it. I will fail, probably a lot, but I will keep on trying until I don't fail any more.
I will win this battle because I am determined.
I will win this battle because I am strong.
I will win this battle because I want the best for myself and my boys. Yelling at my boys is not being the best that I can be.
I will do better and be better.
When I reach the day where I no longer want to yell at them I will know that I have become a better version of me. I'll also be a happier person because yelling at them does not make me feel good. I'm doing it for them and for me.
Wish me luck.