"Farts a Lot," Plus 4 More Great Tweets

If my dad knew Bruce Jenner was turning into a woman, he'd be rolling over in his grave. But he's not dead so he just smiles and farts a lot
— SoulCoffin (@SoulYodeler) February 13, 2015

[raises hand puppet over your cubicle wall] "Pssssst. Your wife is cheating on you." [lowers hand puppet]
— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) February 13, 2015

*Interrupts business meeting* What if we didn't use acronyms? *Everyone's heads explode all over the walls*
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 13, 2015

*visits new girlfriend's house for 1st time* "Make yourself at home" Great. Thanks! *I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) February 12, 2015

If you sneeze around me and I don't say "bless you" it's because I secretly fantasize about your death.
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) February 11, 2015