Rahul: Extroverts make me feel a bit awkward- especially the intelligent ones.
I’m an ambivert, I like introverts- the ones around me have pretty much the same lamentations of society that I have, and they can hold a conversation about intellectual shit without being arrogant as hell.
Extroverts are difficult. They’re extremely uptight and they are huge into the society’s rules BS. They follow society’s rules to an extreme degree and in particular have a list of subjects that can never be discussed that is about a mile long. I can get along with them though, and most of my girlfriends have been extroverts for better or for worse.
I will say though that they are experts in social skills, and they are very good at psychology. If you are saying something in a masked way or referring to someone else while actually referring to yourself to cover your ass, they will often figure out that you are actually talk about yourself and call you on it.
They hate to discuss psychology because they hate introspection, and they place extreme value in their defenses so they don’t want them discussed, as defenses don’t work quite so well when they are more conscious as opposed to less so.
But they understand psychology far more than they ever let on. Their deep understanding of psychology is what allows them to master social rules and skills because without deep psychological knowledge, you just can’t be a social actor. But their understanding of psychology is often suppressed if not repressed because they don’t like to look inside and examine their motivations. It’s painful, confusing, a waste of time, and it tends to thwart action by throwing all sorts of inhibitions, questions, and doubts about whether and how you should act or not.
The extrovert is a man of action. He acts first and thinks later. The introvert is a thinker and a man of inaction. He thinks about taking action a lot but often decides not to because his doubts, inhibitions, fears, and insecurities (often logically based) get the best of him. Believe it or not, introverts are better at social stuff than they seem.
They often think about every word they say and every action they take, analyzing them to make sure they are going to go over well. This delays action and leads to a sense of lack of spontaneity in the introvert. Since extroverts regard spontaneity as synonymous with life itself, the non spontaneous introvert on some level seems not quite human, almost a robot or a machine. Perhaps that is why they regard us as weird or crazy.
I’ve dated introverted women but they sort of bother me. They sit there for long periods of time and don’t say anything. They don’t tell you what they are thinking, what they want, what they dream of, what they fear, what’s on their mind, anything. It’s like dating a wall. I find it frustrating because I like to talk. Pure introverts always insist that I am not one because I love to talk.
Extroverts also mostly hate us introverts, and they call us weird, which I really can’t stand. They don’t even elaborate. They just siphon off this whole group of humans and call them weird and don’t make any efforts to explain what they mean by that.
When someone tells me someone is weird, that means nothing to me. You haven’t told me one intelligible thing about this human being. If you want to say he’s weird, fine, but I want you to tell me exactly what it is that is so weird about this person, in psychological terms, preferably.
I never make statements like that. If I think there is something wrong with someone, I will tell you exactly what it is I think is wrong with them, and I will even whip out DSM diagnoses and use a lot of psychological terminology in the process. I don’t really use words like weird or crazy. I work in mental health. Most people who work in this field don’t use those words, or they should not, anyway.
Someone tells me I’m crazy. Ok, fine. How does that help me? How am I supposed to stop being crazy? I don’t even know how I’m being crazy in the first place. You haven’t told me!
Someone tells me I’m weird. Fine, I’m weird. How does this help me? How am I supposed to stop being weird if that is what I wish to do? I don’t even know what I am doing that’s weird in the first place. You never told me!
Every single extrovert you talk to about this will say, “Just stop acting so crazy!” or “Stop being weird, that’s what you need to do! Just knock it off!”
If you tell them that you don’t understand how you are being weird or crazy in the first place, they will shake their heads and say, “Figure it out!” and walk away.
Completely unhelpful.
I have known quite a few extroverts who openly thought that introverts, especially shy people, were evil. Yep, they thought being shy was out and out evil. Shy people are devils, demons, sociopaths, psychopaths, scumbags, the dregs of society. I guess we all belong in prison since we’re so damn evil.
Extroverts get angry way too much. They get mad at their own friends all the time. I’ve had extroverts get mad at me one night and it was so bad that I figured our friendship was over. Then they came back soon afterwards. You ask them about it afterwards, and they act like, “Why are you so upset? I argue with my friends all the time. It’s normal.” They think getting mad and having arguments is a normal human mode of interaction. I’m an introvert. You get really mad at me, I might never talk to you again unless you explain yourself or apologize.
Which brings me to the notion that extroverts are mean. They are. Now I am not saying that they are just mean and they can never be nice. Extroverts can be among the kindest, most loving and sweet people you have ever met because they externalize their friendly and loving emotions, whereas we introverts, even if we are in love with someone, the person often can’t tell, and we get accused of not caring. We feel love but we don’t show it very well.
But at least occasional meanness is a part of extroversion. Most extroverts are mean at some point or another. It’s part of the personality to be mean sometimes. They usually think there’s nothing wrong with being mean, whereas we introverts are horrified by meanness. Extroverts also forget about their meanness and anger the next day and say in a baffled and slightly annoyed tone, “Oh, you are still worried about that?” the day afterwards, acting like it’s something that happened 10 years ago.
Extroverts blow hot and cold a lot, but they also get over negative stuff pretty quickly and they are experts at burying the hatchet.
Whereas we introverts are masters at holding grudges.
Nobody does it better than we do, and a lot of us take pride in it. You wrong me, sure you can come back to me. The door’s always open, as I like to say. But you better be prepared to kiss my ass, act apologetic, and quit doing whatever it was I tossed you out of my life for. I have actually had some old friends who figured out my new rules and came back around and followed my new rules just fine.
Extroverts are always baffled at us. “Don’t you ever get lonely?” I get that all the time. They don’t understand us. I’m a writer. We’re alone all the time. You get used to it or even learn to love it after a while. They are absolutely dumbfounded that someone could be alone as often as we are and still be happy. But I have dated introverted women who played guitar, worked on their artwork, made clothes, or read books all day and were happy as clams. They seemed baffled by my suggestion that they might be lonely doing solitary activities all day.
The introvert only needs himself. He has enough resources in his own psyche to keep himself plenty entertained and fulfilled in the absence of other humans. It’s not that we don’t like people. We do. But we just don’t need them.
And a lot of us ambiverts we can be around people no problem. I have lived for short periods of time (weeks) with girlfriends to where we were more or less glued to each other like remoras on sharks the whole time.
We separated to go to the bathroom, and that was about it. Sometimes she would go to bed and I would stay up to read a book. I have told introverts about this, and they were horrified. My Mom acted like it was terrible. In fact, after an hour or two of dinner and after dinner conversation, she says she needs to go in her room and be alone with books to have some alonetime and recharge from the draining people stuff.
I think extroverts simply live life to the fullest and express all of their emotions openly and loudly. All of the emotions, good and bad, can be found to varying degrees in your average extrovert. Sure, they can be mean but they can also be extremely kind. An extrovert can be the best friend you ever have, and they are very good friends because they need to be around people, so they are always calling you up or coming around. Whereas an extrovert may like you a lot as a friend, but he doesn’t need you, so he can go long periods of time without phoning or getting in touch to the point where you wonder if he even likes you or not.
N.B. I think I am actually an ambivert because true extroverts are shocked and even a bit horrified at how extroverted I am. For instance, I walk right up to complete strangers and start talking to them about this, that, or nothing at all. My Mom has told me that she would and could never do that. She finds the idea horrifying.