I was emotionally, mentally and sexually abused up until the age of 19. Left with an empty void inside these cracks in my soul. I am ever lost in the nothingness of a disconnected mind, avoiding the pain. Numbing it away with the winds of addiction.
Falling deeper into a hole of depression. The weight of my sins seem to be too much to bear. I am ashamed of what I have become. neglecting and abusing myself in low self-esteem. I am the estranged. I feel like I have lost the fight. So filled with worry inside I can not eat, or sleep. Food has lost all its taste. Lost an appetite for life. Lost all drive and direction.
Ever searching for the parts of me that are long ago forgotten. Searching for meaning and a sence of peace to fill these ugly memories. To erase the nightmares. How to find healing in a dooming sence of hopelessness? How to mend a broken heart in a hurting world? How to find my way when I seem so far off the right path.
I want to believe that I can be forgiven, I want to forgive. Concepts seems so distant when mistakes seem so huge. No one knows the things that were done…I am too afraid to even look the demons of the past in the face. I find my body frozen in time. Too afraid to move…..stuck.
I feel alone in this big scary world. I long for a place that feels safe even within my self. Silence fills the times. To scared to speak in groups. hiding deep within myself in attempts to avoid more failure and hurt. Love has gone numb. Whispering prayers beneath my breath. God please save me from myself…
Please drown away this pain
There must be hope for brighter days ahead
Stay strong <3 You are not alone