Live-blogging the Emmy's:
6:49pm: I’m behind, because I was watching an episode of Revenge (The count Of Monte Christo meets The O.C.? I’ve watched 12 episodes in 2 days). And guess what? The fucking main actress on Revenge is on the screen right now.
6:50pm: My keyboard is sticking—no more mochi ice creams while I’m typing, I guess—so this might be a disaster.
6:51pm: Oh, it’s the fat kid from Modern Family, and I don’t give a shit. I like fat people though. On a side note, Charlize Theron is dating the fat gay dad on Modern Family. I’m not even kidding.
Breaking news, you heard it here first (if you don’t read the daily Mail), you’re gonna feel bad about calling me a liar.
6:53pm: Tina Fey’s dress severely diminishes her boobs, and I don’t like it.
Actually, I take it back, I like the way it falls beyond the bodice.
6:53pm: Ginnifer Goodwin always looks like a insane goth fairy, but I like her dress.
RED CARPET TREND PREDICTION: Skirts that are shorter in the front than in the back. Snore.
6:54pm: Is it just me or has Kerry Washington aged ten years since the last time I saw her in the Vagina Monologues? I seriously saw her in that.
6:55pm: Connie Britton looks a little Dallas, but also super hot. You guys know that Nashville, her new show is gonna be awesome, right? Even though it’s a musical. Y’all don’t forget to tell everyone I told you first.
6:56pm: There are so many things to be said about Damian Lewis, the terrorist in Homeland. First of all, he’s British (I’m just kidding, he’s Australian). Second of all, he’s wearing dumb sunglasses. Third of all, I can’t wait for Homeland Season 2. Fourth of all, there was a really funny article about his role BBC miniseries “The Forsyth Saga” in the New York Times this past weekend. Basically it’s like the precursor to Downton Abbey. I tried watching it a few times on Netflix but got bored. I did read the book, however, which I used to bring to seminars in graduate school. “What the fuck are you reading,” my professor asked me the first time I plopped all 1,000 pages of it down.
7pm: These live TV introducers are clearly the most miserable people on earth, right?
7:01pm: ABC is making it impossible to steal photographs off their website, so blame them if I don’t get them uploaded quickly.
7:02pm: FASHION BREAK
Padma Lakshmisiji: Why did you marry Salman Rushdie? And also, BLAH.
7:02pm: Honestly Jimmy Fallon, shut the fuck up. Oh wait, you’re fucking hosting this shit. Oh wait, maybe you’re not. Your cocaine stream of nonsense is confusing my un-drunk mind.
7:04pm: Ok, so Kat Dennings. Your boobs look UNREAL in this dress. Like, I didn’t even know those perfect little ladies were in there. You’re always wearing button down shirts and shit. WHY.
I have a bone to pick with you though. I saw your new movie, Bachelorette, last night, and I did not laugh one time. Except a few times at Isla Fisher, because she is cute and has pretty hair. I’m kind of not into your bitchy yet desperate brand of female. I just want to tell you that.
7:05pm: Oh my God. Amy Poehler. You brought the puppies out!! You sound so depressed though. Is it because of Will Arnett? Is it because your chest is cold? I love you so much.
7:06pm: Steve Buscemi is so cool. I bet you could like life him up and use him to pick something out of your teeth. I’m watching Boardwalk Empire later tonight.
Oof, Amanda Peet. Oof.
7:09pm: Kelly Osbourne looks like I did her make-up in a dark room after I drank a bottle of bourbon, but I have to say, I’m digging the gray hair…still. The combination of the tattoos with your black nails makes you look like the dirty girl at the prom.
7:12pm: Heidi Klum looks like a MILF. Her boobs look like they’re saying “auf wiedersehen” and running towards her waistline.
7:14pm: I just found a picture of Hayden in the Marchesa, and she looks stumpy.
Would have looked killer on Blake Lively. I hate Blake Lively, lately, these days, after the wedding. I kind of feel like Ryan Reynolds is one of those guys that has a small dick but treats you really really well, which you like but then get pretty sick of after a while, especially if you’re 25. I’ll like her again when she realizes that.
7:16pm: Did Michael J Fox cure Parkinson’s? I feel like you can joke around about it after he made an appearance on Curb Your Enthusiasm. I really like him.
7:18pm: Ugh, Kristin Wiig. It’s almost like, if you can’t get it together on the red carpet, where is your career gonna go? You can only do Bridesmaids one time. Go crazy, go glam, or go sit on the fucking royalties. (And if you’re not watching, Wiig is wearing, as she puts it, a “ghostly” gown, which actually looks like some weird maternity dress my mom wore at a yoga store in 1995. It’s Balenciaga. The bangs are messy, I think the thing has a ruffled collar, and her make-up is caked on like she’s 75.)
7:22pm: Wow, these commercial breaks are really long. No stars?*
*I don’t even know what I meant when I typed that.
On a sidenote, from earlier in the night, Skylar from Breaking Bad looks less annoying in real life.
I take that back.
7:23pm: Ooo, Julianne Moore. Your boobs looks like they’re being cut off by fabric in such a way that you have a “boob butt” situation going on right now, but I love your Dior Couture gown. Bright yellow, long sleeves, full skirt. Amazing, long hair. Beautiful red lips. Probably will be one of my favorite looks of the night.
7:24pm: Do you think Sofia Vergara tries to be funny, or she just talks? I mean, she’s really pretty, and she has an honestly amazing body. She’d look at home at the 50th birthday of a dictator in Latin America, but on the Emmy’s red carpet, she looks like an exotic bird or a Telenovela star. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
7:26pm: Overweight woman from Gilmore Girls wearing a long sleeved black gown. NEXT.
(Sorry. She’s really nice though.)
7:27pm: Is it just me, or does NO ONE ELSE want to see or hear any man speak the entire rest of the night? All that I want is dresses, and talking about dresses, and maybe some relationship tidbits, and boobs. Oh yeah, the gay red head from Modern Family is being interviewed right now. I think he might actually be gay. No flash judgements though.
7:29pm: Jennifer whatever her name is that’s married to Jon Hamm is uninteresting to me. I take back what I said. I want to hear a man speak. And that man is Jon Hamm’s penis. Why did he wear underwear tonight??!!!
7:30pm: Alright, really quick fashion break with some images I just screenshotted. SUCK IT DISABLE DRAG FUNCTION.
I think this girl might have been on the movie Thirteen or something. She’s kind of like Rooney Mara downgrade version, right? I like her shoes, and I like that she’s being a LITTLE bold.
Jesse from Breaking Bad got himself a hot little piece! Won’t last.
Ok, so just quickly, a million stars have already worn this dress, Edie Falco, to lesser events, the most detestable of them being Gwyneth Paltrow. Did you cyro-freeze yourself for a year, and miss that or something?
On a side note: You been working out? Your arms look great. And so do you, in all honesty.
7:36pm: Jessica Paré (emphasis on the é), you look just…eh. I mean, come on, you’re fucking Don Draper’s wife! I can’t see her career going anywhere after Mad Men, but that could just be me.
7:37pm: HEIDI KLUM YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I don’t know, it just looks like a stripper. Heidi’s dress, that is. Her face looks pretty though.
7:38pm: Ginnifer Goodwin actually does well with what she has. She’s not strikingly beautiful, so she keeps her hair fresh, and she wears daring stuff on the runway. I admire her.
7:39pm: Ooo, Elisabeth Moss, I always feel so bad for you. But you look great blonde, actually. And your dress looks a little bit like a coral rash growing out of your armpits, and vagina.
(See what I said about the long in the back ,short in the front trend?)
7:40pm: I guess it’s really hot in LA because that’s the only question this idiot interviewer can think to ask his subjects. He seems very nice though.
7:43pm: Best call of my life—Blossom is going to get cast as some kind of half-down-home-girl, half-earth-goddess in True Blood, and resuscitate her career. That dress is very Melisandre from Game Of Thrones meets a mere mortal who broke her hand from giving too many Vampire hand jobs, am I wrong?
7:45pm: Christina Hendricks boobs are bigger than her face. How often a day do you think her goofball of a husband sticks his face in them and goes: “Blubber blubber blubber.”
7:46pm: This fat kid from Modern Family has arrived like 3 times already.
Sally from Mad Men is so super cute. But she could have gone like the Emma Thompson/Chloe Moretz route, and done it high fashion. Instead, she looks like she’s on her way to her Confirmation party.
7:48pm: Not a single one of these people is sweating, even though everyone is talking about how hot it is. Is this being filmed in hell?
7:49pm: Edie Falco is so cute, and she’s wearing orange nail polish. Swoon.
By the way, here’s Gwynie wearing the same dress. Edie does it so much better.
7:51pm: January Jones, I’m still groaning 30 seconds after first laying eyes on your hair and make-up. Your dress, no matter how goth, is still gorgeous. Red doesn’t suit you.
7:52pm: It could just be that I’m a Firefly-ite, but Morena Baccarin looks like a Companion on her way to visit a particularly kinky customer on a slimey planet in this dress. But I like that she grew out her hair.
7:55pm: So Emily Van Camp from Revenge looks…BLAH.
And Zosia Mamet looks like Princess Leia.
7:57pm: The Red Carpet is over. Is it just me, or is there like no stars here tonight? I always feel like that.
I would not be surprised at all if this was J.Crew collection on Leslie Mann. I like it a lot. I am still befuddled about how J.Crew sells things though. Like, all of their clothing looks like it’s made for anorexic moms. I couldn’t even fit my arm in one of their new floral printed/pencil leg/rolled at the bottom slacks.
8pm: Ugh, Zooey Deschanel. So annoying.
Is Mindy Kaling not going to be funny anymore now that she was on the cover of New York Magazine?
8:01pm: Ok, so something needs to be said about Lena Dunham’s haircut, which I’ve known about for a few days. When I first saw her, I thought she looked like a small boy, but now, I’m realizing that I actually really like it. It suits her.
Her eye make-up looks amazing. I wish I had a stylist to re-invent me. Sigh.
8:29pm: Ok, so Tumblr, this piece of shit platform that doesn’t autosave anything, just deleted all of the past 30 minutes of my live blogging. Now I’m too furious to continue. Also, my keyboard is sticking like Caleb masturbates all over it every night, so I’m not sure how much more I can write.
Still, I’m going to do some fashion analysis.