YOUR BLOG OFFENDS JESUS!
Though I never intended for it to be this way, apparently my blog is the devil’s playground, where sinners gather and frolic about giddily like Michael Jackson at a Wiggles concert. Luckily I had Joan C. to inform me of just how horrible of a person I am. I think the “C” stands for Crusader.
Sent by: Joan C.
To: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
On: 9/05/12 9:43 a.m.
Subject: God is watching you
Your blog is a disgrace to all that is good and holy in the world. It’s so frustrating to work so hard to spread love and the word of God to people who really need help when there’s Satin worshippers like you are poluting people’s minds with obscenities and immoral thoughts. you should be ashamed of yourself. God is watching you!
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Sent by: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
To: Joan C.
On: 9/05/12 11:19 a.m.
Subject: Re: God is watching you
Dear Joan, while I appreciate the work you do spreading the word of God, I’m sorry to say I may be past saving, for I am addicted to Satin and worship it with all my heart. It’s just so shiny and silky smooth, like at wet baby seal. I love to roll around naked on top of it and feel the cool, frictionless fabric caressing my skin. I imagine it’s what taking a nap in Heaven must feel like. Because of numerous stains, I was finally forced to wash my Satin sheets last week for the first time since converting, which meant I had to sleep on 100 thread-count cotton sheets, and I now know exactly what Jesus must have experienced while nailed to the cross. Scratchy.
Nevertheless, I appreciate you looking out for my soul.
Sincerely,
Dave
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Sent by: Joan C.
To: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
On: 9/06/12 8:06 a.m.
Subject: Re: re: God is watching you
This is exactly what I am talking about.. Making fun of people for things like spelling. You knew exactly what I meant but you chose to make light of it. Its hurtful and its mean. You are a very misguided indvidual and I feel sorry for you, but its obvious that you don’t want to be helped. God will decide what to do with your soul!!! I will pray for you.
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Sent by: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
To: Joan C.
On: 9/06/12 3:26 p.m.
Subject: Re: re: re: God is watching you
Dear Joan, thank you for the prayers. Despite your distaste for me, I respect your religion and understand what it’s like to worship a notorious deity like Jesus. I once worshipped Justin Bieber until I found out he didn’t write his own songs. He has since ben ostracized from my life, and I have ripped all his posters down from my wall.
As a show of gratitude, I will pray for you as well, except I will use my Harry Potter Ollivander wand which I received in the mail in exchange for 15 Lucky Charms box tops and a $14.99 shipping and handling fee (it’s the best wand ever made, bar nun…hahaha, get it?). Also, instead of “prayers” we use “incantations”. What would you like to wish for? I’ll practice my Harry Potter Latin this week and see if I can get it to work. If you do pray for me and talk to God, tell her I would like a new Foreman Grill, as mine is corroded and makes my bacon taste like an old exhaust pipe. I’ve tried to get one with my wand but Voldemort must be casting a counter spell because it hasn’t appeared yet.
Sincererly,
Dave
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Sent by: Joan C.
To: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
On: 9/08/12 10:35 a.m.
Subject: Re: re: re: re: God is watching you
Do not patronize me. I know what your doing but it won’t work. You can’t hide from who you really are. You are a despicable human being, I know it and more importantly God knows it. READ THE BIBLE and you will see that people like you will be begging for mercy when Jesus returns and apocalypse is upon us. By the way, God isn’t santa claus. You can’t just ask for things like a foreman grill. And HE isn’t a SHE!!! It just shows how ignorant you are. Have your fun while it lasts, which won’t be for long. We’ll see how funny you are when your burning in hell!!!
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Sent by: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
To: Joan C.
On: 9/08/12 2:18 p.m.
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: God is watching you
Dear Joan of Arc, thank you for the book recommendation. Unfortunately fantasy fiction is not really my cup of tea, although I did read a book recently that reminded me a bit of the Bible. It was called The Rise and Vengeance of Zombie John and it’s about a plumber who gets needlessly betrayed and murdered by his best friends and he comes back to eat their brains. The only difference is he didn’t rise on Easter Bunny Day and he didn’t have to hunt for eggs like Jesus did.
As far as burning in hell goes, I believe I’ll take a rain check on that one. However, I do appreciate your tactics on teaching children what hell is like by having them sit through 2 hours of church every Sunday. This alone should cement their faith in a protagonist Jewish character such as Jesus.
Sincererly,
Dave
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Sent by: Joan C.
To: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
On: 9/09/12 7:25 a.m.
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: God is watching you
Like I said, I will pray for you.
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Sent by: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
To: Joan C.
On: 9/09/1:11 p.m.
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: God is watching you
Expecto Patronum.