Cuz it’s my world, bitches. That’s why. Any questions?
When she screeches that Cutie Patootie nonsense, release the nukes.
Not even an army of tanked up Pixie Stix Stormtroopers can stop our quest for World Domination.
Does re-tired mean I’m tired again? Cuz I am. Hold all my calls…I’ll be in my Barbie trailer.
Whaddaya mean this isn’t Toddlers & Tiaras? They promised me this was gonna be on Toddlers & Tiaras!
The time is upon us.
The Ancients predicted it, and now it has finally come to pass.
The prophecy has come full circle, and a Young One has arrived to lead us.
All those past their prime, 13 year old Pageant Princesses with their faded glitz photos and absurdly oversized gem encrusted tiaras tried to warn us, but we didn’t listen. It could never happen. Not here. No way.
But it just did. With one hyper spin of a makeup chair and a whiny “Hey, Y’all…!” we were invaded.
Eden Wood is back, bitches.
The Gods of Reality TV just dumped a BeDazzled doozie on us this week, with the premiere of Eden’s World on LogoTV.
While the network choice alone is a head scratcher, the premiere episode itself is so chock full of hot mess moments that I’ve already set my DVR to stun. And Season Pass.
After owning the Toddlers & Tiaras pageant game for a number of years, Eden and her crazy puppeteer Mom Mickie parlayed that initial success into books, frilly outfits and a daytime talk show tour that would make Cher green with envy. For a time it seemed that everywhere you turned you bumped into an Eden Wood appearance, or a book signing (…choose your favorite Crayola color…) or some form of spontaneous pre-pubescent EdenSpaz whenever she got out of a taxi at the Mall.
But that wasn’t enough for Mom.
No. Mickie wanted her baby girl to be the next SuperStar! And at any cost, which in these situations usually translates into a substantial chunk of lost childhood and a math tutor.
(Seriously, these stories would be a lot shorter if you guys could do all the backstory research yourself before all the shows each week. Not that I mind getting everyone up to speed. Just saying…)
So that brings us up to date. And all the way to New York City.
How do I describe it in one sentence? It’s like if you took every other Reality TV show ever created in the history of the Universe…ever…and shoved them all into one of those Vacu-Seal SpaceSaver bags and let Mickie Wood suck all the air out of it in Times Square.
Compressed into an easy to store 30 minutes…I give you Eden’s World.
The show itself had a few growing pains over the last few months, and little Eden was already kinda sorta demoted to co-star status of her own show before the opening credits ever aired. Word on the street is that in an effort to ramp up the drama, the producers are letting Eden’s Manager and Publicist go at it like junk yard dogs going after raw scraps…all in the name of good television, of course.
Bleeping out adult potty mouth always makes for great ratings, even when the show is supposed to be about a 7 year old pageant retiree.
The Powers that Be also probably realized early on that there ain’t no way, no how that anyone in their right mind is going to sit through 30 straight minutes of babysitting Eden without getting the going rate. Plus refrigerator privileges.
So bring on some crazy grown-ups, please. And they did.
Barely 15 seconds into the show opening and we got to meet Andrew Sullivan, Eden’s publicist.
Or should I say faaaabulous publicist?
Looking like the poor man’s Brad Goreski (…from The Rachel Zoe Project. Der…) our boy was definitely brought in to keep the Logo in LogoTV. Every show needs a whacky gay sidekick to succeed, but seriously…when is the faux hawk’s 15 minutes up?
At some point, someone really needs to do a more mathematically accurate research study on the gay boy to sissy dog ratio than just me simply going on my Reality TV assumptions. But until that time comes, I’ll go on record and say that one dog must come with every membership card in that fraternity. And some bronzer in a gift basket.
Draped in a whacked out fur number, holding his little puff puppy and hitting up his peeps on his Sidekick, Andrew was textbook cartoon wannabe Fierce.
I immediately joined his online Fan Club, because you know I love me some crazy. Once he loses his noodle that first time you know I’ll be hooked.
Next up was Heather Ryan, Eden’s Manager.
She’s textbook Woman in a Man’s World. She’ll cut you if you cross her. She also talks on her cell like she’s speaking with the President every time the phone rings.
Chill out, honey. You manage a 7 year old.
To keep the Toddlers & Tiaras contingent happy, the show jumps back and forth between pageants and the Eden Brand, which made for some Star Trek-like Time & Space Continuum issues. One minute they were in NYC…one minute they were in Wisconsin. And then back again.
Part of the premise of Eden’s World is that when she is not pimping out her kid, Mickie is also looking to unleash her inner Pageant Yoda on young newbies who need help.
Drawing from Eden’s massive…what was that, six years?…of experience in the industry, they search out lost pageant souls and train them in the ways of the Pageant Jedi.
This week they found 12 year old Adrianna Harris, who was getting picked on by her Wisconsin BFFs for doing the whole pageant thing instead of hanging out at the Food Court on Saturdays.
I’m not gonna lie. I kind of live for those moments when Mickie gets all verklempt and has to take an over the top soap opera pause to collect her thoughts as she speaks of The Pageant. I may use her techniques when I give presentations to IBM.
Since Mickie, Eden and Heather were all out in Wisconsin, Andrew was feeling out of the loop. He also was feeling that Eden should be back in NYC if she was really going to make it into the big leagues.
The only things he wasn’t feeling were the country bumpkins and hard nosed Heather after he jetted off to join them at some kind of Chuck E Cheese meets Jungle Jim’s Jamboreee playground joint.
With Eden wandering in and out of the scene like she was lost at the Mall, Heather and Andrew had their first throw down.
She accused him of whoring off The Brand and hijacking her job. He accused her of a bad dye job and not doing as much work for Eden as he had been doing.
Andrew actually got Heather so tightly wound that she had to pause and “find the Zone.”
I don’t know what the f*** that meant, but if you haven’t seen the episode yet…right there is a good time to go brush your teeth or get a snack, because nothing happened. I thought my cable froze.
Back at Adrianna’s house, it was pageant make-over time as all her catty BFFs got an invite to come on over and live in her world for a day.
Eden’s hair and makeup girl Fran Gonzalez was there to help do some doos, and all the girls totally drank the Kool-Aid. By the time Eden led them all in a “Cutsie Roll” flash mob, they were born again.
After a few seconds in the transporter, the gang was suddenly back in NYC where Heather had scored Eden a meeting with some poor A&M Record execs.
This was big. BIG. At least according to Mickie, who OMG’d her way through a list of things that were not even close to being this big. BIG, I tell you.
After comparing Eden’s potential record deal to the polio vaccine and those QVC candles that look like candles but aren’t really burning, I think Mickie went out back to adjust her panties and light up an unfiltered Marlboro.
BIG.
When they finally composed themselves and made it upstairs to the studio, Eden immediately jumped up on the table to do her presentation, which was a point of concern for the executives.
Not just because it was unexpected, but because they also eat off that table during working lunch meetings. Put your Pretty Feet shoes back on, sister. You’re in the City now.
As Andrew tried to slip under the table in humiliation, Mom cranked up the iPhone backbeats and waved it like a lighter at a Neil Diamond show. Eden busted out her signature go-to “Cutie Patootie” theme song, complete with pouty face and a booty pop, right up in the uncomfortably amazed and slightly horrified faces of the execs.
You can take the girl out of the pageants, but…
When her two numbers were over and Mr. A&M began sterilizing the laminate with a WetNap, he asked Mickie about the realistic possibilities that they could be in NYC enough to make this all happen.
Let’s just say that Mickie was a little eager to move to NYC and leave it at that. She’ll be there. Anytime. Anywhere. You name it. Whenever. Wherever.
It was like he asked a dog if she wanted to go for a ride in the car.
Then they all zapped back to Wisconsin for Pageant Day, where it appeared that hair stylists are in short supply. Fran had somehow overbooked herself to the point where I think she was doing every head in the ballroom. The stress was making her a little loopy.
But nothing compared to crazy Pageant Mom Karen who melted down and got all up in Andrew’s face about the delays.
It was basically two women getting all Bravo Reunion Show on each other’s a**. Andrew needs to work on his bitch face, because he let a Wisconsin homemaker get him all flustered.
Just walk away! Is that how you do?
Dude. Now you’re embarrassing men and women.
As Adrianna’s age group was being corralled up on stage, she was MIA, which catapulted Mickie into a 4 minute mile across the hotel. Fran was falling behind on the big hair and more drama erupted.
Fran needs space. And an assistant, apparently. A Learning Annex course in time management probably wouldn’t hurt either.
But Adrianna got her weave on just in the nick of time, and made it to the stage to win Grand Uber Whatever.
Mickie got almost as excited as she does when Eden walks a straight line, and actually motioned for Eden to rush the stage like a groupie.
No lie. She sent her own kid up there to steal the spotlight from their young Jedi Knight. Guess that is one more lesson Adrianna learned today.
Gah. I love Pageant Moms.
To celebrate their victory and the inevitable takeover of Planet Earth, the E-Team gathered for a little nosh at some deli.
Really. The E-Team.
Like the A-Team. But without the van or the bullets.
At least for now.