One of the most common questions I get asked all the time is "Does the No Contact Rule work to get my ex back?"
If you've been searching on the internet on how to get your ex back, chances are that you've probably come across the "No Contact Rule".
The No Contact Rule simply states that you should not have contact with your ex for at least 30 days, and after that, your ex will want to get back with you.
However, is it really that simple to get your ex back by simply not contacting them?
In this post, I'll be going through the exact details of the No Contact Rule...
How it really works...
When does it work, and more importantly, when does it not work...
And when should you use it, and NOT use it.
Let's get started.
What Exactly is the No Contact Rule?
The No Contact Rule is simply the notion of not contacting your ex after the break up.
The "rule" comes in terms of the actual number of days that you should not be in contact with your ex.
Some people say it should be at least 30 days.
While some people say it should be at least 60 days.
However, I do not necessarily think that here is hard and fast rule as to how long you should not contact your ex.
Instead, it should come down to your personal situation.
You see, each situation is different and unique.
Just because one person does the No Contact Rule for 30 days, doesn't mean you should do it for 30 days.
It ultimately depends on your situation.
In fact, in certain situations, you shouldn't even need to do the No Contact Rule.
When Should You Do the No Contact Rule?
Whenever my coaching clients come to me and ask me if they should do the No Contact Rule, the very first thing I say is "it depends".
And it really depends on many factors, rather than blindly doing No Contact Rule just because everyone says it should be done.
That's like telling children that in order to grow tall, they have to keep jumping.
But jumping does not necessarily make you taller.
Some kids will grow tall regardless whether they jump or not because it's in their genes.
Similarly, if your situation doesn't call for the No Contact Rule, then doing it will not help at all.
So when should you do the No Contact Rule?
Here are a few situations where you should do the No Contact Rule:
1) The very last interaction with your ex is a negative one
You both may have ended the relationship badly by having a conflict, quarrel or argument.
Or you may have begged, pleaded or shown your neediness and desperation to your ex.
In this case, it's better to use the No Contact Rule because if you were to immediately continue the contact with your ex...
You might only end up pushing your ex further away.
If your goal in being contact with your ex is to tell your ex to give you another chance...
Or...
To confront your ex on the relationship...
Or...
To try and convince your ex using reasons as to why your ex should try again with you...
Or...
To let your ex feel guilty that your ex broke up with you...
Then you should implement the No Contact Rule because doing either of the above will only reduce your chance to get back with your ex.
2) You are feeling very emotional
If you are feeling very emotional and unable to manage your emotions well...
Then it's best you implement the No Contact Rule too.
The reason is that if you get in contact with your ex, and your ex says things to you that you don't like to hear...
Then chances are you will get emotional and start to say or do things that will only jeopardize your chances of getting back with your ex...
And reinforce in your ex that the decision to break up with you was the right thing to do.
Ultimately, if you want your ex back, you need to let your ex feel positive towards you.
And if you can't manage your emotions well, then you will only push your ex further away from you.
That's not what you want to do.
So how do you know if you can manage your emotions well ?
A simple way is to rate yourself on a scale of 1- 10 on the following (1 being the worst and 10 being the best):
- Mindset - the ability to get rid of the negative thoughts in your head about your situation, and to be able to use your mind to change your negative thoughts into positive ones to feel positive despite how your situation is like right now, and be confident enough to know that you have what it takes to win your ex back.
- Personality/Attitude - the ability to not be affected by what your ex does or don't do.
- Emotional Control - the ability to be in total control of your emotions regardless of what your ex is saying/doing, or not saying/doing.
If you're not at least a 9/10 in any of the categories above, then you're most likely not able to manage your emotions well when you get in contact with your ex.
In general, anything less than a 10/10 that can potentially jeopardize your chances if you aren't able to control especially your emotions.
3) You have just recently been blocked by your ex (or have been issued a restraining order or warning)
If you are in this category, then you need to really listen up...
If you've just been blocked or you have been issued a restraining order or a warning...
Then you MUST do the No Contact Rule.
If your ex can block you or even issue a restraining order / warning, then chances are that you've already pushed your ex pretty badly.
The only reason your ex blocked you or reached out to the authorities to issue you a restraining order is because your ex feel very negative towards you.
You may have said or done things to annoy them and that has create a very negative perception in their mind towards you.
So it is vitally important for you to give them some space...
And let the bad memories and feelings gradually fade with time.
For example, think about someone else that did you wrong or made you feel very angry a year ago.
Chances are that you can't really remember already right?
Now, you may not have totally forgotten about the incident that made you feel very negative...
But your negative feelings are probably aren't as strong as compared to right after that incident that made you feel negative happened.
That's the same for your relationship.
The longer you leave your ex alone, the better your chances of reconnecting with your ex when you reach out again.
This is because your ex would probably no longer be feeling as negative as before.
And if you had used the No Contact Rule, it would have let your ex feel that you might have changed.
And that can lead to a reconciliation in the future.
When Should You NOT Do the No Contact Rule?
Now that you know when you should do the No Contact Rule...
Then under what situations should you not do the No Contact Rule?
Here are a few situations:
1) You are still in contact with your ex
If you're still in contact with your ex, then there's no reason why you should cut off contact with your ex.
And if you cut off contact with your ex, your ex might misunderstand and think you're rude or disrespectful.
And that can potentially let your ex feel that the break up was the right thing to do.
That's really the last thing you want your ex to feel if you still want your ex back.
So if you are still in contact with your ex, you shouldn't do the No Contact Rule.
Instead, you should try and build up the momentum of the communication...
Make it more positive by letting your ex feel good about themselves whenever you two have communication...
And let your ex feel positive towards you through the constant communication.
When you do that, it can let your ex start to doubt their decision to break up with you.
I've had a number of clients that got back with their ex by simply focusing on making their ex feel positive through their communication.
So if you are still in contact with your ex, don't even think about doing the No Contact Rule.
Unless of course you're starting to feel emotional and afraid you can't control your emotions towards your ex.
2) If you're in a situation where you can't avoid any contact
If you live with your ex, or work in the same office or business with your ex, or you're in the same class as your ex, or have kids together with your ex...
Then obviously it would be impossible to implement the No Contact Rule.
In this case, you shouldn't think of doing the No Contact Rule...
But rather, focus on how you can make every interaction with your ex even more positive.
Here's an analogy that I always tell my coaching clients:
Imagine that your ex is holding an empty cup. Each time you link pleasure to your ex, that cup will be filled little by little. And each time you make your ex link pain to you, that cup will be emptied. Your goal is to make that cup overflow.
When you focus on letting your ex feel good...
Then that can eventually lead to your ex doubting their decision to break up with you as well.
3) If you're already not in contact with your ex and the last interaction was positive
If you and your ex had broken up amicably or the break up ended peacefully...
And you two just somehow stopped being in contact with each other...
Then there's no reason why you should do the No Contact Rule because you essentially have already been in No Contact for some time.
Furthermore, if you both ended on a positive note or the last interaction was somewhat neutral to positive...
Then there's no need to implement the No Contact Rule.
Instead, you can reach out to your ex, but of course, you need a proper strategy in place.
You certainly don't want to reach out to start a general conversation and then tell your ex you still want your ex back.
That will only likely get your ex to pull away.
You want a complete plan and strategy that starts from how to reach out to your ex...
All the way to how you're going to get your ex to commit to you in the relationship again.
Does the No Contact Rule Work?
Ever so often, I get people coming to me asking whether does the No Contact Rule work to get their ex back.
So I want to answer this question once and for all for good.
And here's my stand with the No Contact Rule...
First of all, the No Contact Rule is NOT actually a strategy to get your ex back.
Many people mistaken that the No Contact Rule is meant to get your ex back...
That you can just leave your ex alone and your ex will somehow magically come back to you on their own.
While it can work like that in certain situations...
For the most part, the No Contact Rule is not meant to get your ex back.
So if the No Contact Rule is not meant to get your ex back, what's the purpose of it?
And why do it in the first place?
So, from how I see it...
The No Contact Rule is a time that is meant for you to work on a strategy to get your ex back.
And by "strategy", I mean how you will get back in contact with your ex...
What do you say to your ex once you make the first contact...
Identifying the objective to achieve with the first contact...
How to carry on the conversation with your ex and how to end the conversation...
How to follow up with your ex...
What's the perception you want to create in your ex towards you...
What are the different scenario to expect when you make contact...
How to handle the different scenarios when they actually happen...
And how to eventually get your ex to come back to you.
THIS is what I call the "strategy" to win your ex back eventually.
As you can see, this is a complete strategy from beginning to end.
So the No Contact Rule isn't a strategy to get your ex back...
But it's a time to work on a strategy, and also to work on managing your emotions well.
So whenever my coaching clients are in either of the 3 situations I mentioned earlier in this post...
I will tell them to get into the No Contact Rule and work with them on the strategy...
As will as the mindset needed to approach their situation.
So how long do I advise them to do the No Contact Rule?
It comes down to how ready my clients feel to reach out to their ex WITHOUT letting their emotions get the better of them.
Once they feel ready and I put them through a questionnaire that shows they are prepared for all the different scenarios that can happen...
Then there's no need to do the No Contact Rule any further.
But of course, the strategy and plan has to already be in place and my coaching client has to know EXACTLY how to interact with their ex...
And they must also know how to handle every scenario that we have prepared for beforehand.
So What Should You Do to Get Your Ex Back?
The most important thing to get your ex back is to first realize the main relationship issues that led to the breakup in the first place.
Once you've identified that, ask yourself whether you can resolve those issues.
Then ask yourself whether you can make your ex feel happy.
And finally, to get your ex back, you cannot just tell your ex you have changed and that everything will be better from now on...
Or ask your ex to give you another chance and hope that will work.
More often than not, that will only make your ex want to run further away from you.
The strategic way to get your ex back is to first let your ex feel that you can have a conversation with your ex without the need to ask your ex to be back with you.
When your ex feels safe and comfortable that you can just converse without talking about the relationship...
Then your ex would be more open to communication.
Once you have communication with your ex, you want to strategically let your ex feel good about themselves when conversing with you.
Because when you do so, your ex will link pleasure towards you in the conversation...
And that can let them consider getting back with you.
Now, this won't happen immediately, but rather gradually over time - this is very important to understand.
Only once your ex starts to feel more positive towards you, then you will have a much better chance to get your ex back.
And lastly, if you feel this is too much to do on your own or you feel confused or overwhelmed on what you should exactly be doing at each point in time...
Then go get help.
Just like if you're ill, you don't want to diagnose your sickness yourself and just hope everything will turn out fine on your own.
Instead, you go to the doctor to seek help.
Similarly, in your relationship, you do not want to try and do things by yourself and potentially make your situation worse by pushing your ex further away.
Get a Relationship Coach to look through your situation and have the Coach guide you on exactly what to do every step of the way.
Your Next Important Step: Before you actually think of getting help, you first need to know whether it's too late to get your ex back.
Click on the box below to take the 2-minute quiz below to find out now: