On New Year's Day, God revealed something to me. He held a mirror up to my face, + I couldn't believe what was on the other side reflecting back at me. Don't get me wrong, I knew I had flaws + things to work on, but geesh! I thought all I had to do was go around + touch-up the paint on the walls, I didn't know I had to open them up + rewire the electrical! I thought I was close to perfect. Boy, was I far off. This revelation was the start of my new journey for NeNe Talks Love, + there is no looking back from there.
He disclosed that I was a narcissist, a person that has an inflated sense of self-importance. The way that happened was insanely crazy. Let me share that story with you. I was staying at a friend's house that day. I have been there all week, basically. We went to church on New Year's Eve, + when I woke up, I immediately called my sister. (I don't actually have a blood sister, but she is as close as it gets. She knows me better than I know myself, so she qualifies.) I have been going through some things lately, + she always helps cheer me up. Because of what I am going through, I usually wake up "stressed". (I used that word lightly because the devil tries to stress me out, but I have ways to combat his tricky, calculated tactics.) You know how women get once they are on the phone ... yeah, it was exactly like that. I start venting about this guy + how he gets on my nerves. That's when God started raising the mirror to me, but not enough to see my whole face. Maybe just like my chin + a little bit of my nose. At this point, I was waking up but I was still 60% unaware of my issue(s). That convo ended, + I came downstairs to where my friend was. She was in the kitchen making us tea + breakfast. She is the absolute cutest! Anyhow, something inclined me to ask her how she felt waking up today. She responded + returned the question. I responded with, "I don't know. I feel a little weird. My heart is heavy. Maybe it's because now I have to distance myself from *insert guys name here* + I have to re-heal from that relationship." I kept talking + next thing you know, that's when it hit me. I said, "I know I am not supposed to be with him, but that fact that he doesn't feel like I am the best thing that happens to him, bothers me. I have never dated a guys who didn't think they could live without me. I know, technically, they can, but you know what I mean. I always walk away from the relationship feeling like they can NEVER replace me because I am all that. With him, it's different, + I can't stand that. Even though I broke up with him, I felt like I had to come back to his life just to make him fall in love with me + leave again. I know I am not supposed to be with him, anyways. It's like I try to convince to him that he needs me, just like I was able to do with my other exes." As I was talking, I actually heard myself. It was the first time, I have actually put my actions into words. I never knew what was going on, I was just doing it. I guess you can say I was stuck in my ways, completely oblivious to my flaws. I kept talking some more + my friend says to me, "well, maybe you are the narcissist."
Let me rewind a bit. My friend I am referring to is an old co worker. We worked together at the job I had just quit to take my blog full time. She was the partner to a narcissist for 16 years. I shared her anger + agreed with her when she was venting because I grew to love her. Seeing her hurt made me hurt. After not seeing her for a couple months, she tells me how she recognized that her former boyfriend was a narcissist, + how she's healing from it. Narcissistic behavior includes: 1). excessive need for admiration/ sense of entitlement 2). disregard for others' feelings 3).an inability to handle any criticism, just to name a few. So to hear her go from "I am healing from narcissistic abuse" + me being happy for her to "maybe you're the narcissist". That was super heavy for me. It was at the moment that I realized the pain I have caused others in the past for my own unintentional enjoyment. Here I am hurting with her about her ex not even realizing that I have left others hurt, just like her, from my own actions. I felt horrible. I sat quiet for a while, just reflecting on the past + connecting the dots of the reality I just stepped into.
As I sat pondering about what I just learned, I was deeply saddened because I never intended to hurt anyone. I am so loving. I sincerely seek out to help others. It's like I am operating from two different people- my true self + my ego. I go through this continuous cycle of having my true self/heart + intentions seek out to love, support, + help someone; after a while, my ego steps in, dominates everything, controls my environment, + manipulates people. After the dust settles, suddenly my true self/heart wakes up, sees the damage, feels genuine remorse, + tries to make it right/ help, then the cycle starts over. In my video, I made a reference to it being like one of those drunk nights where right before you black out, you text + call all your exes saying the unthinkable. In the morning, you see all the damage + you just want to die. Yeah, it's just like that. It's a terrifying thing to recognize the hurt I have caused people, how I have controlled people I truly love, etc. It gets way deeper than that, but I will reveal that later on in the following segments.
I honestly do not know what to do with this revelation. All I know is since I have this platform I have a responsibility to share this journey with the world. Understand that I do not mind being vulnerable, but this is very personal. A trait of a narcissist is the overwhelming desire to be perceived a certain type of way + an even bigger desire to make everyone like/ approve of them. So this is kind of scary for me. Waking up to this information this just made me rethink my whole 24 years of existence. It is truly life changing. I realized it affected my life in all areas. Take this journey with me as I break down what's going on, how my life has been affected by this, how I deal, how I heal, everything. Please keep in mind that I am learning just as you are watching + reading. Keep an open mind + do not judge. Just try to use my pain + struggle to relate to something personal in your life, + try to heal yourself. That is the mission. I open myself up for the world to see my wounds + how I (with the guidance of God, of course) put myself back together. Tune in + buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Until next time, love yourself. Love God first. Peace!
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*In this video I talk about how being a narcissist affected my personal life.
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*In this video, I talked about being a narcissist directly affected my romantic relationships.
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