Mackenzie. Can you handle it? I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly, Boo.
First my foot. And now this. Boned twice in one week.
Seriously, JLo. Did you just tell me to Suck It in Korean?
그것을 빨아 줘, Bitch.
Oh My God. Can I tell you how much I love this chick? She’s crazier than my hair.
Sometimes I am literally so overcome by my own good looks that I either burst into song or just smile really big.
Not gonna lie. I wouldn’t mind stuffing some of that and mounting it in my living room.
Ok. This is the deal.
We need to skip all the fancy introductions and smooth segues into this week’s episode of Dance Moms and just get down to bidnezz, because there was so much tasty goodness going on that we can’t afford to waste any time. We’ll get back to the drawn out skimmable stuff next time. Grab some snacks. It’s a long one.
Ladies & Gentlemen…Asia Monet Ray is back in the hizzle.
Boom. Boom. And Pow.
The pint sized spitfire with the uncanny ability to booty pop sight right back into the eyeballs of a blind man made her triumphant return to AbbyLand this week.
You remember Asia. She was the breakout star of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, who shimmied her stuff in and out of lion cages and Wicked Witch trash bag couture so hard that I swore judge Richy Jackson was going to grow another index finger just so he could toss up a fierce three finger wave.
Shout out to Lady Gaga. Werk.
But even the highly anticipated arrival of a four foot stick of dy-no-mite in a hair bow had to wait until the Maddie Memorial Pyramid of Shame was revealed. Rules are still rules, people.
After hosing down all the competition with last week’s Fosse meets Flashdance routine, the ALDC was feeling pretty good as the girls all marched in to report for dance duty.
To shake things up a little, and at the same time prevent anyone from doing some quick math and realizing that there were more photos than girls adhered to the mirror, Abby Lee Miller started the whole process from the top down.
Because she’s crazy like that.
Numero uno spot was once again all about Maddie. Feel free to feign some semblance of surprise and then enjoy a moment of light applause amongst yourselves.
Middle row was held down by Paige, Kendall and Chloe.
Paige did fine in the most recent competition, but her Mom Kelly still is not on Abby’s holiday card checklist, so second row is about all the poor thing should expect for a few more weeks. Kendall was in the middle because she came in Third Place, which was pretty respectable. But Third Place isn’t Second Place. And that would have been better. Chloe was in the middle for some reason, but I forget what it was. Kelly was still talking about Paige and it got me distracted.
Finally, the bottom row was reserved for Nia, Mackenzie, Brooke and the mystery photo. Nia had done a great job but flown under Abby’s radar, while Mackadoodle shouldn’t have participated in the group number at all due the fact that she was still fairly height challenged when compared to the other girls. And Brooke had been dismissed for a spelling test or prom or something, so she barely skewed the final scores since she never even joined them on the bus.
That left one photo still shrouded in secrecy. Who could it be? Was Sophia Lucia back from her World Domination Tour already? Drumroll, please.
Unfortunately, the Lifetime promo department had been working overtime the last days and done everything in their power short of letting the sassy kid ring the opening bell on Wall Street, so it was a little anti-climactic.
Most of America already knew Asia “Oh Hey” Monet Ray was joining the team this week and that there was also going to be a new episode of Jennifer Love Hewitt‘s dirty little show. DVRs had been set three days ago.
So. Rip. Taa-Daa. Asia.
The kids all went OMG hyper spaz, except for Mackawhacka, who appeared to swallow her gum when she realized that this could potentially end her dance career faster than that extra bone, or toe, or whatever it is that has been going on with her foot this month.
Mom Melissa grabbed her ever-handy iPhone, crunched some numbers and also came to the realization that Asia’s imminent arrival may have just put the ALDC over its allowed quota for cute, spunky dancers. Game On.
This week the gang was headed to another Energy Dance Competition in Highland, Michigan. And so were those Candy Apple people.
That meant not only would Abby & Co. have to deal with the most inexpensive, poorly projected image backdrop in all of competitive dance, but also come face to face once again with Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her newly formed Boy Band.
Losing was not going to be an option, girls.
The group routine was all about Reincarnation, and was for Big Girls only. So no MackSmack. And no Asia. Sorry. You need to be this tall to ride the ride.
Kendall, Maddie and Chloe scored a Trio. Which is harder than a duet I hear. And bottle rocket Asia, who had yet to even show up, was given a solo, which was good for a few Christi faces before the first commercial break.
As everyone waited for the Asia Bus to pull up to the bumper, we all scooted over to Ohio for some jazz hands and jerky at Canton’s very own flagship Apple Store.
According to Cathy’s oversized digital photo flip frame, her Pyramid consisted of Brandon, Gino and The Return of The Zackster, as well as top seeded Nick and his freakishly Stretch Armstrong hip flexors.
While Asia had been the breakout star of AUDC’s first season, Zack had clearly been the heartbreaker. You do remember the mass hysteria when he was cut from the competition, right? Holy Beatles first US appearance, Batman. We need a medic in the lobby, stat.
If you’re still filling out your Dance Madness brackets, the tiny kid who always spun on his head was noticeably MIA this week. No explanation. And no high fives and chest bumps since Dad was also not in the building. Maybe next time.
To guarantee a win at Energy, Cathy excitedly revealed her Secret Weapon. You think T & A can sell it on stage? Try T & T.
Tanning & Teeth. Guest Choreographer John Culbertson.
Looking like the guy in those backlit mall kiosk ads for one hour veneers, John popped up behind the Apple TV waving and smiling as though Cathy was pulling him in on a Grand Marshall parade float. Dude was happy to be there.
Pop-an-artery-in-your-forehead kind of Happy. And very tan. Very happy and very tan.
Turns out that he likes to be called Mr. Dance of America, which I kinda felt was my thing when the DJ puts some records on and I dance with my baby. But whatev.
He is also a close friend of Abby’s, so it was pretty clear that a few more people were going to risk stroking out before this competition was over. And according to the photos on his Facebook page, Johnny also doesn’t like wearing shirts very much. So tear it off like they do on the Chelsea Piers and let the games begin, I guess.
Back in PA, Asia finally arrived.
Boom. Boom. Pow. Finally. Thanks to AUDC, it has already been well documented that the best thing about Asia, besides her mini Destiny’s Child butt and that head bob thing she always does whenever she opens her mouth…is her Mom Kristie.
Love. Her. That’s Kristie with a K. And Christi with a C was not likin’ it. Not one bit.
Asia’s Mom, best known for not owning one single top in her closet with sleeves and always wearing ginormous Jennifer Lopez earrings, is also pretty famous for throwing down with that looney Mom Yvette back on AUDC (…”What? You want some of this? Hit me. Hit me. Go ahead. Come at me”…)
Yeah. Instead of the front door, Bitch could totally have entered the ALDC building through a cloud of Vegas stage fog. Because she’s that bad a**.
I’ve already added her to the limited list of fierce Pageant Coaches and crazy Toddler Moms who I need to go clubbing with at some point before I die.
Kristie’s also pretty well known for never leaving the house without clutching a water bottle or Starbucks grandé sumthin sumthin. She does like to stay hydrated.
Melissa started sweating it out, Kelly became immediately mesmerized by Kristie’s awesome sauce and The One that’s spelled with a C just made some more faces.
(Note: Moving forward, to avoid any potential Kristie/Christie confusion, Christi with a C will be referred to as Christi. Just like before. The bad a** one will just be JLo, because deep down part of me still believes that’s who she really is and that starring in Dance Moms is the real reason she gave up American Idol.)
Up in the MomPerch, JLo threw herself to the wolves and let them have at her. Melissa continued to pretend that she was not the least bit threatened by Asia, Kelly kept getting the giggles and Christi felt that Asia looked kinda naughty. Jill couldn’t understand why the Team needed another dancer, Doctor Holly pretty much just phoned this episode in and JLo kept hydrated throughout the inquisition.
She and Asia had just returned from Korea, where they filmed television shows and did whatever it is that tiny little dancers do in Korea. Asia had been so booked out (…dance term. Google it, and don’t be jealz…) that she could not even compete in the past season.
That went over really well with the rest of the Moms.
At some point in the midst of all the hilarity, Abby had decided that she was probably going to have her dead dog Broadway Baby stuffed and then either placed on the mantle or mounted to the hood of her SUV because she was having a really hard time dealing with the passing of her puppy. As the Moms were putting JLo through some freshman hazing on the bus, Abby visited a taxidermy joint to look at zebra heads and realistically posed action figure monkeys to see what they could do with her baby leftovers.
I feel for Abby, because I know how sad it is to lose a pet. But as much as I loved my childhood dog, I was not in the mood to dust him every week and chase a marble eyeball under the couch every time it popped out. That just creeps me out.
Save it for the Addams Family.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Abby arrived a little later than usual, due to her taxidermic side trip. We’ll have to wait and see how that all worked out, even though for a brief second or two I did think that she had somehow magically resurrected Baby and brought him back to Earth in human form until I realized that it was just Asia running around in a puppy costume. Then I also remembered that Baby had a bad hip and was always being pushed around in that Cabbage Patch stroller, so there is no way that it could have been him backin’ all dat up on stage.
As the competition began, the ALDC did their hallway gladiator stroll to the stage as Malibu John stretched out Nick in probably the most inappropriately awkward manner I’ve seen since I don’t know when. I know you can’t go in front of an audience and do that one leg up in the ayah ayah thing without warming up, and I am beyond jealous at how easily Nick can whip that thing out and up (…c’mon…his freakin’ leg touches the back of his freakin’ head…) but the whole process almost made Chris Hansen jump out of a locker with some lemonade.
Asia’s solo was Absolut Asia. Even John smiled. But he always smiles, so I’m never really sure if he’s in the moment or thinking about his next topless Facebook photo shoot. But dude can dance like a Boss, so he gets my vote, regardless.
Since we’re cutting out the fluff this week, this is how it all went down.
Even with some sickle feet, Asia pulled out a Best In Show for tail wagging and not peeing on the stage. Everything else was all Candy Apples.
Gino’s Dancing With The Stars tango duet took First Place, as did the Depression Era “Will Dance For Food” Boy Band routine, which scored a perfect 300.
John almost smiled the teeth right out of his head while Abby percolated to a dangerously high boil in the seat behind him. Even the ALDC Moms knew they didn’t stand a chance this week as they watched the Apple Cores unleash their boyish charm under that nasty Energy logo.
(Seriously. Is that supposed to be a dancer’s silhouette on the wall or the outline of a soon to be discovered 52nd state? Get it together. I’ve seen how much you charge for entry fees.)
Backstage, Cathy and her posse knocked down the ALDC door and got right up in Abby’s grill as soon as they put all their trophies in the van.
Melissa kept texting (…who is she always talking to?…) as JLo sat back and let the lights ricochet off her body buttered shoulders. Seeing the Abby & Cathy Show up close and personal has got to be way more horrifying and entertaining than it is from my couch, so you could tell she was getting a little WTF on her first dance camp sleepover.
After a few pokes from Cathy, Abby snapped and started screaming that the bitch had gone too far this time and, by the way, the bruise from that purse swing had still not healed. When Abby goes completely postal, all the years of yelling at small children finally catch up with her and her voice cracks in and out like when you try to pick up faraway shortwave radio stations late at night. So I only got about every other word.
But I could tell she was not happy.
This ain’t over. It’s War.
And it looks like it might be time to reload and launch some more Asia Bombs.
Boom.