Haters gonna hate. Once I steal that big ol’ diamond, I’m set for life with these sparkly headbands.
I swear if you don’t let it go and stop wearing animal prints, I’m gonna have a stroke.
Wait. What?
You heard me.
Check it out, bro. The blonde one gave me 20 bucks and Kelly Hyland’s phone number.
No lie. I swear she opened her mouth and Pinnocchio jumped out just like in the cartoon.
Just wondering why someone’s all up in my personal space while I’m getting my hair did, that’s all.
Ladies and Gentlemen.
Please take your seats. The show is about to begin.
For tonight’s sold-out performance of the All-Dancing, All-Singing, All-Screaming Annual ALDC Dance Concert we ask that you refrain from bringing food and beverages into the auditorium. Realizing of course, that if there was ever a Dance Moms week when you needed a stiff drink it’s this one, you are more than welcome to slam it hard in the lobby and one of our ushers will do their best to get you back to your seat in one piece.
So if you’re ready…Light the Lights. Fight the Fights.
On with the Show, this is it.
That’s right. It was Dance Concert Week down at the ALDC. One last opportunity to try and recall all the dances you learned in under 48 hours this season and prove that you deserve a spot at Nationals. Because…you know…I hear that Nationals are coming.
But not before the Pyramid of Shame, they’re not.
As Abby Lee Miller got down to business, it was clear that she was changing up the game one more time. I’m starting to think that she likes doing that.
First clue: Kamryn Beck was back in the dancer lineup!
America’s favorite overachiever (…rockin’ one of her signature Olivia Newton-John Let’s Get Physical headbands, of course…) had returned and was patiently awaiting this week’s assignments while doing polynomial long division in her head to kill time.
Second clue: Christ-y (…with a very loud ‘Y’…) was also in the studio. Again.
Seriously. How does this lady keep getting back in the building? Abby tosses her out every week and then as soon as the opening credits finish rolling seven days later…there she is again with sunglasses on her head just looking for a rumble.
Remember the beginning of The Flintstone’s cartoon when Fred throws the saber tooth tiger out the front door for the night and it jumps right back in through the window?
I swear it’s like that with this woman.
Except for maybe the actual jumping through the window part. I’m thinking that it’s probably more of a clunky, hoisting-up type of maneuver that involves standing on milk crates or tiny Sarah‘s jiggly bow head right before one last running push.
But you get the idea.
Never say never, though. Stranger things have probably happened in the maternal pursuit of The Dance.
Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved for Chloe and MackZ. Chloe had missed a day of rehearsals for a scheduled MRI on that mystery foot ailment and MackZ had momentarily reverted back to the old MackenzieBoo Cutie Patootie Days during the group dance and forgotten to look up at the audience the entire time.
Kendall and Maddie made up the Pyramid Mezzanine. Kendall had let another teammate beat her in the competition (…because apparently there’s something in the rules now that no longer allows everyone to get First Place at the same time anymore…) and Maddie, as awesome as Abby keeps saying she is…just wasn’t Nia.
Because Nia was on top!!! #InternationalYearOfTheNia. Hashtag that, yo.
Maya Oh Maya!! It was Nia!! And the crowd went wild.
(Insert Proud HollyFace here: ____________________.)
Clearly, that’s not one of them. But it’s a funny one.
Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout Willis? We totally heart Dr. Beyoncé.
This week, on top of rehashing all the old routines, the girls would also be performing a new group number called “The Heist.” I love when everyone oohs and aahs and applauds right away even though they have no idea what the routine involves yet.
Because they did that again. Oooh. Heist.
This year, the Dance Concert would be a tribute to Abby’s Mom, Maryen Lorraine Miller.
(Insert Sad Flashbacks here: ____________________.)
Because that’s what they did. And they were. We miss you, Mrs. Miller.
Since this was all part of the Road to YouKnowWhat, each girl would also be performing a 45 second solo of their choosing at the concert, that would most likely determine their fate at Nationals.
I know, right? 45 seconds? No pressure there whatsoever .
But Abby didn’t want to see the dances until the actual performance. That way she could snark on all the girls without having any preconceived notions of what needed improvement.
Did I forget to mention that little Sarah was standing off to the side, at the maximum allowed separated distance of 2 feet from her Mom, while all this was going on? Because she was. And you could tell that she was already having trouble taking full breaths.
I feel so bad for that little peanut. I was kind of hoping she would just cry and get it over with early, but that never happened.
As the girls all got down to rehearsing their individual and group routines, Christi tossed something to Chloe right before she left the studio. Did you see that? Right at her like it was batting practice or something.
What was that? Car keys? (She’s not old enough to drive yet, right?) Cell phone?
With all the grief that poor kid takes for her bum foot and sleepy eye, the last thing she needs is someone throwing things at her head. Seriously.
We love you just the way you are, Chloebird.
Up in the MomPerch, the whole suspiciously smelly controversy surrounding whether or not Abby had tried to sabotage Chloe’s mid-season win against Kamryn all came back up the pipes again. And it still stunk.
Word on the street was that Abby had tried to take away Chloe’s win with the judges and Christi wanted to get to the bottom of the rumor right now while Jodi was outnumbered by all those Original Recipe Backup Moms blocking the exit.
Luckily, Christi just happened to have one of the judge’s phone numbers in her iPhone Contact List. Because, of course she did.
His name was Francisco. Like the city, of course.
And he picked up on the first ring. Exactly like no one ever does.
(Raise your hands if you wondered why Christi didn’t just call San Fran the morning after the original competition instead of waiting however long it has been to hit him up on his Sidekick. Anyone? Don’t be shy. We’re all friends here…)
Francisco was all like OhHeyGurl! when he finally answered and all the Moms seemed to know who he was as they all holla’d back at their boy on speaker.
He admitted that a little sumthin sumthin may have gone on between Abby and the judges after the win, which got Jodi a slightly flustered and made Christi start contemplating revenge like she was one of those mean girls on the ABC Family channel.
Christi decided that The Best Revenge is Success.
Ok. It’s a family show. We’ll go with that one for now.
Side note: My MomCrush Jill going “How ’bout dat?” made me smile. In my head I made it sound more gangstah than it really was because I like Bad Girls.
Then it was time to watch a big, powerful sea creature wax some ManCandy chests before going butt up in a dunking tank. You might want to send the kids out of the room for this one, because it can’t be unseen.
To give the girls a break from all the pre-show stress and let them blow off some steam, Abby had selected a few samples from her seemingly endless deli case of fresh BoyToy meat to assist her with one of those State Fair dunking tanks.
Dave and Rich were their names. Two shirtless choice cuts of sirloin with all the fat trimmed off who seemed pretty adept at taking dolla dolla bills, yo, from housewives in the middle of the afternoon.
Unfortunately, the girls all pitch dunking baseballs like they dance hip hop, so in the end they had to bum rush the tank as a group in order to trigger the splash knob and send Abby into the water head first. And upside down. And booty, booty e’rrywhere.
Side note: Christi was kinda digging the one in the black board shorts. You could tell. I’m betting somebody added a few more digits to their Contact List.
After everyone uprighted Abby from the beach sand and pushed her back to the safety of the ocean (…hey, Kendall said it…not me…) it was time for Tech Rehearsal at the Dance Concert venue.
The short version: Chloe’s foot was getting worse. It was swollen and hard to cover up when she was wearing a rubber. Again…her words, not mine.
Moving on. Quickly.
Christi was determined that Chloe dance at Nationals this year, since Mom was pretty much responsible for them both getting kicked out of N’awlins last year after her infamous Slurpee Fight with Leslie Ackerman.
You remember that one, right? They called it the Big Easy Brawl.
(Insert Classic New Orleans Cage Match Flashback here: ____________________.)
Special shoutout to my boy Backwards Hat Guy who risked it all to throw himself into the middle of that pig pile between Christi and Leslie. Dude. Was. Fear. Less.
The next day, Chloe’s foot was now in a walking cast, because I guess overnight she had developed some kind of buckle fracture something or other that nobody seemed to have noticed until the MRI. But I’m not a doctor. Nor do I play one on TV.
Speaking of, though. On General Hospital they give you MRI results while you’re still standing there covered in your own blood from a Mob shootout, but I guess in the Dance World you actually have to wait a day or two for somebody to figure out that your toes need to be taped together for a week.
And right before Nationals? What a drag.
Jodi also told Christi she was acting like an idiot in the middle of yet another argument. I should probably mention that part. And the part where Christi volleyed back with how Jodi was nothing but filth on the bottom of a shoe? That’s probably important, too.
Ooooh, Girl. Smack Talk in da Perch.
With two days to go before the Concert, Abby showed up in a full head of curlers. For some reason, she chose to do that a lot for the rest of the episode. And they weren’t just curlers. They were the big kind of curlers like your Grandma used to leave in all day.
And a quick run thru, Abby did the math and cut Sarah from the group routine because she was making the dance all lopsided now that Chloe had been sidelined.
Wait for it. Wait for it.
Meltdown in 3…2…1…
Boom. Christ-y went bonkers.
Sarah cried. A lot. Just like the last time she was on the show. And the time before that.
Sarah wanted to go home. Mom wanted her to suck it up, get a drink of water and go back inside the studio to face Abby. She was relentless. In between hyperventilating and hiccup crying, poor Sarah literally belted out the entire Frozen soundtrack as she kept begging her Mom to Let It Go….Let It Go…Let It Go. It was like walking down the aisle at Toys ‘R’ Us when one of the talking Elsa dolls has her push button crystal gem necklace jammed and won’t stop singing no matter how hard you shake it.
Truth: If you mute your TV screen and turn up the volume on your iPod, Sarah’s mouth actually moves in sync with Idina Menzel‘s singing no matter where you start the track.
I swear. Try it.
Then more screaming. And more crying. I don’t even remember what they ended up doing. I think they finally left the building, but I’m not sure. All I really remember is that Sarah wasn’t the only one of us who needed a drink when it was over.
So much screaming and crying, I tell you. My nerves. Oy vey. Let It Go already.
On the final day of rehearsals, it became clear that Kamryn was now the lead in the group routine. You can probably fill in the rest of the conversation on your own.
Finally, it was Showtime! And time for more curlers!
And that one guy in the director’s booth who had his face blurred out the entire time. Like they do on COPS when they raid a trailer park. What’s a dude in the Witness Protection Program even doing working for the ALDC anyway?
The group routine went well. The big fake diamond that Kamryn heisted was almost as sparkly as all the Moms in their fancy clothes. They clean up nice.
Nia did a back tuck flip thang that I didn’t even know was called a back tuck until somebody tweeted it. Whatever you call it, she nailed it like I don’t know what.
Hashtag Boom Boom Pow.
Chloe cried in the audience because she couldn’t dance with her friends, so that made me sad. This really hasn’t been her year.
Side note: Words of Wisdom from the Mouths of a few Babes. Kendall pointed out to Maddie that these 45 second solos were probably not the Most Important Thing Ever in the history of their Entire Life Ever. Dance Life, maybe. But Ever Ever Life? Not so much.
Those Vertes girls are pretty smart.
By the time Nia finished explaining to everyone how Abby doesn’t even usually pick her dancers strictly on who has the actual best technique, it was clear that some of these girls are wise beyond their age.
Oh, yeah. Nia sees what you’re doing there, Abby. She sees.
Some of the girls nailed their solos. Some had a few weeble wobbles. But don’t worry. Abby put all their weaknesses down on report cards before leaving to finally pop a few of those curlers out, which gave the Moms just enough time to go one more round over favoritism at the ALDC.
Abby’s written remarks made Nia cry, which made me sad. I think I still had some left over sadness from Chloe crying, so Nia didn’t help my mood by getting her own feelings hurt.
But Christi came to the rescue with one of the best morale boosting Mother/Daughter pep talks ever. Granted, she had the wrong daughter, but her heart was in the right place and she really made Nia and me feel better. Huggies.
After a quick curtain call (…Nia’s shoes, tho. Dang, girl…) everyone headed to the Memorial Dinner, where there was more crying. And James Washington in a bow tie.
And now I just need to let it all go before Nationals.
Because…you know…they’re next week I heard.
See you there.