Yaaaaaaaaaaaas! Rodeo Drive! Sunset Strip! Hollywood Blvd! Mama and her Amex are home!
I can’t believe I sat in coach for 2,500 miles just to find out I’m the most normal one in the bunch.
I can’t even see through the eye holes. Who keeps coming up with this crazy s***?
Left Right Left strike a pose, oh oh. Mom stop wearing my clothes, oh oh… No. Srsly. I mean it.
So, yeah. She had more people at her premiere, but I had way more hair. Let’s call it a tie, mmkay?
No way. You just answer the survey and they give you a free Whopper? This one’s a keeper.
Gurl. You see that mess? I don’t need a doctor’s note to tell me White People Are Crazy. Lawd.
OhMyGawd. Please tell me you can’t see up my skirt in that Beyoncé video.
They’re baaaaaack!
It’s Dance Moms: West Coast Addition.
No photos, please.
Finally.
Welcome to the ALDC…LA.
Brace yourself for the time change, because all the MamaDrama and DancingTrauma that you’ve come to love in Pittsburgh will now be coming at you three hours earlier. At least for the foreseeable future anyway. Hollywood or Bust, baby.
After threatening and/or bragging about it for the past 17 seasons, Abby Lee Miller finally uprooted her team and moved everybody to California this week to launch the second location in her ALDC Empire. It took a couple of trips, but now it’s actually happening.
And third time’s a charm, right?
The last time we saw everyone, the Real Housewives of Pittsburgh were all dressed up at the mid-season Reunion Show giving Jeff Collins some upper lip sweat as they rehashed the first 18 weeks of the season and phutzed with their holiday party hair.
Well, actually, that’s not even true.
The lip sweat part is true. Because that totally happened. The Moms freak him out.
Side note: Did you know that Jeff used to grocery shop for Leeza Gibbons? Or cook her dinner when he was her butler or something. I forget. I only skimmed the Wiki page, but it was something like that. How awesome would that job be? You totally know she requires the crust be cut off all her sandwiches. You can just tell. It’s always the nice ones that are high maintenance. She won Celebrity Apprentice, BTW.
Anyway. The last time we actually saw everyone together was down under during their Australian Tour. But apparently I missed out on some of that hilarity. Or all of it, maybe.
Clearly, I slacked on the Aussie adventure and I’d like to personally thank the Twitterverse for publicly shaming me and making me feel all like…
Basically, you missed a bunch of exceptionally cute koala bear photo opps, Maddie wobbling a turn that momentarily crashed the internet (…NewsFlash: She’s Human…) and my girl Nia Sioux (…that’s her new name now, I guess…) dancing like Janet Jackson.
Because Miss Frazier if you’re Nasty.
You might have also missed Mikey Minden being Fabulous. That’s his thing, you know. It just kinda happens, even when he’s sitting at traffic lights drinking a Starbucks.
And, of course, Jessalynn making some of the best crazy audience faces EVAH during Nia’s FrazierNation dance. You missed all of those. And they were awesome.
But you can clear your DVRs now. Because you’re caught up.
For the third time, the Moms arrived in California only to find out that the new ALDC location still wasn’t ready for occupancy. It wasn’t clear why, or when, or if the place would ever get a second coat of primer, a working door, a sign that wasn’t scotch taped to the window and a certificate of occupancy from Ryan Seacrest (…he still owns Los Angeles, right?…) so once again we were back at 3rd Street Dance for another Pyramid of Shame.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s a nice enough temporary base of operations, but going up and down those 8 flights of stairs every morning has got to wear a girl out. No wonder nobody points their toes anymore.
As everyone headed to the penthouse for Pyramid, Holly was still basking in the glow of Nia’s Australian concert as my MomCrush Jill began getting herself worked up for Kendall‘s own upcoming music video premiere.
Let’s get all the contractually required business out of the way early…
Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference: Jill actually brought it up this week and it happened before anyone had even made it though the front door. I forget why she even mentioned it. That’s how fast it happened.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Speaking of. Jill seems to be transitioning quite nicely from Muppet feathers to breezy summer weight cold-shoulder tops. The warmer California climate has to be a challenge for anyone who likes a good furry Star Trek vest and a popped collar. I feel your pain. Luckily, whatever Jill had to give up in layering pieces she clearly gained in Bump-It height. Because that thing was closer to God than I’ve ever seen it. And it scored the DanThat’sCool Seal of Approval.
Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch: Looks like somebody brought a GlamSquad with her all the way from Pittsburgh. Hollywood likes MamaZ. Half Jill Vertes/Half Ariana Grande, Melissa’s ‘do was definitely catching up to her new found LA fashion sense.
Jessalynn Hilarity Scale: This is a new one. She is a freakin’ riot. Period.
Unfortunately, before the Pyramid could even begin, Abby had the first of what would prove to be many unexplainable Moments of Lunacy (…Spoiler Alert: The working title for Holly’s second book…) as she dumped the entire contents of her Old West saddle bag onto the floor in search of earrings.
Because if you’re going to lose your nutty, it’s important that you’re properly accessorized.
Side note: We all know how everyone involved in this show has been overloading social media lately with complaints about editing and blah and blah and whatever and blah.
That’s why they call it social media, people.
But I’m sorry. That hot mess of a bag didn’t have anything to do with editing. Or fights with producers over creative differences. Or even Star Wars CGI graphics, though I did half expect Jar Jar Binks to fall out of that black hole eating a cookie when Abby dumped it upside down.
Srsly. There was a leftover Chips Ahoy with a bite taken out of it, some lady things that probably should have been blurred out like they do with Melissa’s mouth when she swears, enough scrap paper for a Coachella bonfire, a ziplock Baggie with whoknowswhat inside, half a kitchen junk drawer and even an acrylic fingernail that, thankfully, wasn’t still attached to anybody’s finger.
I see what you did there, Lifetime.
After Jill and Melissa dug through the Prada Landfill and found enough stuff to win the weekly Collins Avenue Scavenger Hunt, it was on to the Pyramid. Which, after all that build-up, didn’t really matter much on the first week back. Especially when this recap is already half over and we haven’t gotten anywhere yet.
The only thing I will mention is that Abby pointed out Maddie was on top of the Pyramid for one reason: Her Humbleness. And her insistence on including all the girls in her world-wide success.
Which is actually two things.
Clearly, ten minutes in and Abby was already as messed up as that bag.
This week the gang was headed to another Energy Dance Competition. Everyone but Abby, anyway, as she announced that she would probably not be attending the event.
Here we go again.
She rambled something about a contractor who shows up at the new location every day except Tuesday (…random…) and then I got so distracted by how flat her hair was that I stopped paying attention. Guess somebody forgot their hot rollers back in PA.
The ‘Shame On You’ group routine was going to be a poorly veiled dig at Nia (…I think it was when she called Nia a traitor that I figured it out…) even though Abby initially kept the theme a secret from everyone. Nia also scored a solo, entitled ‘Master Of Disguise’ where she was going to wear two masks on top of each other (…making her Two Faced, get it?…duh…) even though if you count her RealFace it would come out closer to Three.
Nothing really made sense this week. Let’s just call it what it is.
#StarInYourOwnLife.
#LetItGoAbby.
Speaking of faces. I couldn’t keep track of the HollyFaces. And I didn’t even try. Going forward, I really need to figure out some kind of spreadsheet or Apple watch app or something if this is how we’re gonna play it for the rest of the season.
Gah. We love Holly.
Kalani and Kendall also scored solos. But all that mattered right now was Kendall’s music video premiere!
Before the premiere, the Moms did attempt one last united front when they approached Abby to try and convince her to come to the competition, but she ended up telling them that “This is America. We don’t have to do this. We don’t have to be here.” which made so little sense that I dumped my own purse upside down and almost went to bed.
Honestly, ever since Vivi-Anne did her Fourth of July Citizenship Dance I don’t even know what’s happening anymore.
‘Merica.
It was time for Kendall’s military-inspired video to premiere at Universal CityWalk, which I swear must be owned by Lifetime since that’s also where Asia Monet Ray did her first booty popping live concert on Raising Asia. Oh hey, Boo! Miss you!
It was a hoot. Everyone was signing autographs and running in circles waiting for the premiere like it was another Nickelodeon Awards Show. Jill was gripping the biggest Slushie cup I’ve ever seen as everyone escorted Kendall to the stage. Anyone else notice the security guy who looked like a giant park ranger?
The crowd was screaming and sign-holding and iPhone-ing like it was their day job. I was especially fond of these overly excited girls below. I didn’t realize that you were only allowed access to the event if you had a cell phone or wore glasses. I guess if you had a cell phone AND wore glasses you were pretty much guaranteed front row.
And how about this guy in the Times Square Rockin’ New Year’s Eve hat waiting for his Nivea Kiss? The Dad behind him with the kid on his shoulders hates his life.
And is it me, or does that really tall dude seem a little old to be that much in love with Kendall? Look at his face. He hearts her.
And where were they showing this video, anyways? Off the side of the Goodyear blimp?
That can’t be healthy to tip your head back that far for 3 minutes, especially since you know every kid out there was sucking on gummy worms or jawbreakers from the CityWalk kiosk. You could swallow your retainer fercryinoutloud.
Bonus Points for how proud Mom was during the premiere. The one thing Jill always puts before anything else is her Family. Except for when the lighting is so good that you just gotta take a selfie. Werk, Mama. Werk.
Kendall is gorgeous, like all the Vertes girls. She kind of looked like Military Barbie, except that she’s not blonde. So she actually looked more like Barbie’s dark haired friend in the military, whoever that was. Was that Midge? There’s so many of them in that pink Target aisle now. No clue.
KendallK (…her stage name…) danced in what I originally thought was an unhealthy amount of helicopter exhaust fumes until I figured out that it was only the dry ice smoke they use at Celine concerts. Some junior high kid jumped the fence and gave Kendall such a big hug that I almost called the park ranger to pepper spray him in the eyes. I hope she knew the guy because he got enough KK to make him a Legend in gym class tomorrow.
And, most importantly, Abby wore the same outfit on stage that Bea Arthur wore in one episode of her Maude sitcom. Even the sensible shoes.
Wear Em Out, girl.
Bonus Points also given to #TeamFrazier for supporting Kendall and all the girls equally. I know everyone does, but they don’t show it onscreen enough, so it’s nice when it’s vocalized.
Group hug.
Back at 3rd Street the next day, Nia and Kendall’s face and head props were all missing. No masks. No hats. Nada. Naturally. Why does this show insist on using props when you already know how it’s gonna end up?
I mean…
As Kalani tried her best to not be beautiful during rehearsal (…that’s why the dance was called ‘Unbeautiful’...) Abby decided to dump out a second purse and go through all her receipts. Because sometimes bookkeeping just can’t wait.
Jessalynn Hilarity Scale: I know we already did it, but when did this lady get so funny? I mean, really. She used to drive me 400% nuts. Now she’s HIGHlarious. Dot com.
And then they premiered the second video of the week. Jessie J‘s ‘Masterpiece,’ danced to by all the ALDC kiddos.
I like Jessie J. And I like the fact that it was the real singer and not the karaoke version that they have to use during dances. I even liked that it was so similar to Beyoncé‘s 7/11 video that Jay Z is probably already on the phone with his lawyer as we speak.
But the best part was actually just seeing the kids be…ummm…what’s the word…?
Kids. That’s it. They were being kids.
They were goofing and spoofing and doofing around town like you’re supposed to do when you’re tweeny boppers and still swallow your gum if a boy talks to you. It was fun to see. Second DanThat’sCool Seal of Approval this week.
Finally, it was Showtime.
But we’re out of time. Guess that’s what you get first week back.
Here’s the wrap-up:
The makeup room was actually the principal’s office. If that. They cheaped out on the venue this week. Like Costco cheap. What was that place?
Nia thought she looked like one of the guys from Blue Man Group in her costume, but I think she looked more like a cross between these two guys from the Beatles cartoon…
Abby never showed up. Which meant that Kendall never got a costume. Which meant that Kendall didn’t dance. #RipOff.
Melissa was looking FLY. I’m out of DanThat’sCool stamps for the week, otherwise she would have gotten two just for that outfit and hair. IOU.
Kalani forgot her dance but pulled another one out of her brain and won First Place. Nia unfortunately lost half her faces before the dance even started and ended up with only Fifth Place. That mask must have been like those plastic Kmart ones you wore on Halloween that got really wet under your nose after 30 seconds. I hated those.
The group routine pulled First Place. Dat’s rite. The ALDC…LA…has arrived.
Too bad Abby didn’t.
They did try to call her at the end, but she was clearly tanked up on a double dose of Nyquil and started rambling on about hotel security guards and paralysis and having lunch with Elvis and how a unicorn was hogging all the sheets…and…and…and…
…and…
They just put the phone down and left.
Which seems like a good idea right about now.
See ya next week.
Muah.