You want crazy? Check this out.
Girl, I am about to pop off on someone.
Why are they still talking? Seriously.
We don’t care if Maddie wins. As long as she doesn’t lose.
So.
When I saw the preview that Dance Moms was splattering back onto my TV screen one last time with their Most Outrageous Moments clip special, my first thought was “Do I have enough snacks to sit through a 12 hour show?” because every second of every episode this season pretty much fell into the Outrageous category.
It wasn’t until after I ran to Costco and got a case of Cheetos that I realized the special was only one hour long. I was disappointed. And then I was embarrassed that I was disappointed. And then I was disappointed that I knew enough about the show to even be embarrassed about being disappointed. The Circle of Life.
How did they suck me in? When did they suck me in? I don’t even remember. What kind of secret power does Abby Lee Miller possess that can keep my TV on for an hour even when I try to shut it off? I swear I tried to shut it off. I did.
Somehow her gravely second hand smoker screech and that over done metallic eye shadow wins every time. And I did have all those Cheetos, so…it’s gonna be a long one.
Props to the Lifetime editing staff for having the stamina to sit through all 12 episodes again as well as for having the patience to narrow down that Whackapalooza into 15 little segments. You know those poor guys took at least a week off after finishing this show. Forced medical leave or not, they probably ran screaming from the studio and didn’t stop until they hit the ocean.
Those Moms are crazy I tell you. They love their kids, no argument there. But as well as being the Poster Women for the Evolution of the Kate Gosselin doo, they are Krazy with a K.
Tell me I’m not right. Line them up side by side, and you have a pretty accurate timeline of Kate’s bad hair choices.
Cathy..the original skunk. Hair dressers will do anything for a big tip.
Kelly…growing the skunk out. Can’t do a thing with it.
Melissa…skunk is gone and getting longer, but still not bleached and full of Dancing With The Stars extensions.
Christi…bleached and ready to dance like a zombie on ABC.
Holly…well, she doesn’t get to play, but she has a doctorate. So there.
But anyway…
Plopped in front of the monitor and reading the cue cards like a news anchor on sedatives, Abby leads us through the Top 15.
15. Christi meltdown Number One. Crazy Christi decided to go to the hotel bar and knock back a few instead of working on Chloe’s headband for the dance number. I know, right? In the dance world that’s the equivalent of sending your race car out on the track with only three tires.
Instead of sewing that bad boy right into her daughter’s scalp, Christ chose to hang with the Electrolux salesman who were chilling out after the first day of the Ramada trade show, or something like that. Naturally, when the show finally went on, Chloe’s headband slipped down over her Cabbage Patch doll close together eyeballs, and she had to finish the number looking like she was wearing a fleece visor with floral appliqué.
Abby blows a nutty. Christi blows a bigger one. ”I pay your bills!” screams Christi. Abby must have a really cheap home cable connection if Chloe’s $250 dance tab covers the bill.
14. Kelly gets a fierce choreographer. Work it, boy. While on their never ending road trip to Nationals, the gang makes a pit stop in LA. Kelly throws another tantrum because little chiclet toothed Maddie gets all the special attention and all the private choreography time, while Kelly’s kids get the table scraps. Through the magic of Craig’s List she finds a fierce piece of BoyMeat who claims to choreograph for Lady Gaga and Adam Lambert. Keeping in mind that Adam Lambert makes out with everyone on this tour bus, you know how this one ends up.
Her daughter can’t quite handle all that BoyMeat and his sassy sideways head bop, and melts down a little. Then Kelly follows suit when Abby won’t let her kids be in the group numbers. While they are prepping all the kids in hair and makeup, the two of them throw down a little. Poor little Mackenzie in her snake costume onesie might want to watch out behind her head as Abby screams and flails her arms around, all while holding a mighty sharp pair of scissors.
Child Services, line 2.
13. Botox and a big nose. Since the evil Chaos Cathy is the fashionista in the group, she talks all the Moms into proving to their daughters once again that looks are all that really matter in life, and organizes a Moms Day at the Botox and Filler Spa. She swears by the stuff. Kelly is turning 40…a hard 40…and between the Kate doo, the stress of being a NutWad and bad lighting, she really needs a poke.
They all go in for a tune up and face tightening at the shop, but Cathy is quick to point out that Christi’s big nose ain’t going away. Since her forehead couldn’t move, I’m not sure if she got mad or not.
12. Cathy, Mom Jeans and Mom Dancing. Besides being a fashionista with skunk hair and no eyebrow movement, Cathy also owns her own dance studio, and is picked to choreograph the Mom Dance for a production. Her Candy Apple’s Dance Center, which is basically the hidden Evil Dance Lair base of operations for her never ending plot to overthrow Abby, has given her years of experience in choreographing little kids to play mice in the Nutcracker.
Moms, not so much.
Cathy puts together a Jazzercise warm-up for the Moms, and then busts out her own freestyle jam on the night of the performance. All the other Moms ending up standing at the back of the stage like they were in line at Target while Cathy tried desperately to prove that her dancing years are not over. Picture your least favorite uncle drunk at a wedding. There you have it.
11. Nia Gets Her Groove On. Let me go on record as saying I love me some Nia. She is a hoot. She is the little Beyonce wannabe who is all braces and OhNoSheDin’t head snaps. Abby apparently wants her to be the lead in the next Al Jolsen Revival, and Mom Holly is none to pleased. Every number that Nia is asked to do either involves an afro wig or hakuna matata jungle vine swinging, and Mom doesn’t play the token card. She and Abby go at it as she tries to prove that Lincoln actually freed the slaves, thank you.
The only sign that Holly wants hung around her daughter’s neck is the one that says “My Mom has a Doctorate, bitches.”
10. Prostitots. I got all excited thinking that someone came up with a cool new brand of microwave Tater Tots, until I realized that Abby was hooching up her girls again in more age inappropriate attire and some of the Moms were not ok with it. Kelly will do anything to get her daughters noticed, so she was fine with a pint size bra top and high garter stockings. Holly, who has a doctorate by the way, hated the outfits. Keeping in mind that they were in Pennsylvania Amish country, the hoochie factor would definitely have knocked a farmer off his horse carriage.
9. Mediocre and Proud of it! During yet another Kelly nuclear meltdown, she and Abby go at it again…and again…over Abby’s claim that Kelly’s kids are slow. Wicked slow. And border line stupid.
In an odd bit of parental support Kelly proclaims to the world and all the Lifetime Facebook people that, why yes..gosh darn it…my kids ARE mediocre and that’s ok. They aren’t going to amount to anything and I’m happy with that, and so are they.
The freakiest part of the whole argument was when Kelly screamed that the kids spend 8 hours a day dancing, and 8 hours a day in school.
Screech. Hold that thought.
School? Prove it, because I didn’t see one school book in any of those faux leopard trolley cases. Just saying.
8. Cathy ain’t going nowhere. I’m starting to think this should be the Kelly Show. Naturally, Kelly’s kids are again on the losing end. Brooke, who somehow magically goes from 8 to 18 years old and then back again in every episode, gets some ratty a** polka dotted glued together costume mess that even Cirque du Soliel wouldn’t be caught dead in. Abby suggests that she wear the top from Cathy’s daughter Vivi-Anne’s outfit, since that poor little niblet doesn’t stand a chance of ever making it in the dance world.
Cathy says fine, and then at the last minute says no, and wants it back, which sends Kelly into orbit. It quickly turns into a contest to see which Mom can humiliate their kid fastest, and a good chance to point out that Kelly’s kids have gnarly feet. Brooke is never gonna get a man at this rate.
Before Kelly can shove Cathy into the sheetrock, Cathy proclaims that she is here to stay. So Like It!
7. Paige forgets her choreography. Uh oh. Maybe those kids are mediocre. Yikes.
6. Cathy ain’t going. Make up your mind, woman. Ok. So she is here to stay. But now she is going. Or not going, actually.
When Abby pulls another last minute addition to the seemingly endless bus ride and announces they are all going to Las Vegas, Cathy bails. Another screaming match about how everyone is replaceable…even dance teachers. Oh. She went there.
Of course, little did we know at the time that Cathy was going back to the Evil Dance Lair to plot revenge against Abby. Don’t touch that dial.
5. Laqueefa WHAT?! Straight (no pun intended…) off the RuPaul Drag Race comes Diva Shangela to show the girls how to do the Death Drop. The girls wet themselves while the Moms clutched their pearls. The entire hour was worth sitting through just to see little Nia go completely hyper spaz when Shangela collapsed into the Death Drop. Did I already mention I love me some Nia?
4. Jealous of an 8 year old. Christi and Abby in the hotel room having another fit. And yes, they are all jealous of their kids. Don’t even try to squirm out of that argument, girls.
3. The return of Chaos Cathy. She’s baaaaaaack. Cathy shows up at the competition bearing her checkered basket of chopsticks (the better to poke your eyes out with…) and tries to take down Abby and her team. She calls Abby’s choreography tired. That didn’t go over so well.
2. Jesus save my soul, and my studio. Crazy Minister Dawn sends her daughter to acrobatic class with socks on. Shut the front door.
Abby kicks her out, then Dawn blows that same front door wide open and…well, let’s just say I don’t ever remember having to call the local Mall Cops on my home town minister. I can officially testify to the Lord that she is CrazyCakes.
1. Christi…again. And Abby finishes us off with one final breakdown, showdown, throw down trifecta.
Maddie, of course, gets two solos at the competition so she hauls in all the trophies. Christi goes completely off her meds, and off her rocker and terrorizes the entire auditorium looking for Abby. It was the complete unrated directors cut box set version of Moms Gone Wild.
Screaming and yelling to the point where I’m pretty sure I even saw the valet guy out front get into it with them. One by one all the girls started crying as the Moms got into the Ring.
Have you ever been on a plane that is landing, and the change in cabin pressure makes all the babies’ ears pop and they all start crying at the same time?
Totally like that.
Classic moment when Melissa scoops up all Maddie’s trophies and makes a run for it, leaving half her kids behind. Remind me not to be at her house when it catches on fire.
And then, just like that, it was over. For the whole season.
I think my ears just popped.