I just wanted to get some sleep, so I told that little crybaby there was a pony in the back of the bus.
Chief YearOfTheNia is about to shut this Tribal Council down.
Hey! Was that a Dunkin Donuts? I told you to never pass by a damn Dunkin Donuts!
Sometimes all the world really needs is Jill Vertes making a crazy face. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I dunno what’s in this Aqua Net, but it is some strong s***. I swear I just saw dancing Indians.
You can do this. Cher is the Queen. Cher is the Queen. Cher is the Queen. Be the Cher, Nia.
Srsly. Will you look at that tiny crown. And I thought MY kid got the shaft every week…
Okay.
Let’s just address the elephant in the teepee right now and get it out of the way early so we can focus on all the choreographed hilarity.
Road to Nationals means heap big drama for Dance Moms.
There. You were thinking it and I said it. And now that we’ve started this thing off as politically incorrect as possible, we can get right to the good stuff.
I think I’ve proven over the last few years that I have absolutely no idea what the rules are anymore when it comes to being PC. Honestly, I’ve barely figured out the rules for dance competitions. And don’t even ask me how they judged Toddlers & Tiaras.
But I thought we weren’t supposed to call the Washington Redskins the Washington Redskins anymore. I’m so confused. At least I know the correct term is Native American.
So when Abby Lee Miller pulled out a feathered headdress in the first 3 minutes of this week’s episode I knew she was going to break Twitter. And she did.
Some people called it racist. Some people called it a glowing Native American tribute.
And more than a few fabulous gentlemen literally gagged over the outfits.
Because, let’s face it, they were to die for. Oh. My. Gawd. Dead.
Regardless, I’m just putting it out there before anybody gets themselves too tightly wound up over the subject matter. You know by now we’re just here for the party. Head over to the Gymboree chat rooms if you want to get into anything heavier. I’m sure they’re still bashing me for that whole home schooling fiasco.
So no offense intended, or taken, as we go all tribal this week.
And honestly, with all the money I’ve lost at Mohegan Sun over the years, I think they can cut me some slack just this once.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
First, the Pyramid of Shame. Which was actually the Totem Pole of Shame this week.
Which was actually just a bunch of photos stacked on top of each other. I mean, it’s not like there was an eagle head at the top or anything. It was just Maddie again.
It was, however, National Dress Your Mom Up In Crazy Pastel Summer Prints And Take Her To Work Day and all the Moms were representing like a double page spread in the Sunday Kohl’s flyer. I swear these women call each other every morning. How else do you explain them all ending up in the same color pallet almost every week?
All the matching Original Recipe Moms were there, along with Tami “She Who Wears Shorty Short Booty Shorts” Adamson (…her Native American name…) and her little daughter Tea’, who had both been asked to return after last week’s successful group routine. Just like when Loree and Jade had been asked back and Tami gave them crap for jumping the fence from New Team to Old Team.
Just like that.
Oh. And Christ-y was back. The loud Church Lady had returned, but apparently taken some Oath of Silence to prevent her daughter Sarah from being kicked out of the building for a second time this month.
Can someone either check Sarah’s body temperature or get her a sweater, please? She’s always shaking.
Since it was a Totem Pole of Shame this week (…to foreshadow the upcoming theme…) Abby zoomed from the bottom of the elevator to the top so fast that it made my ears pop.
Nia, MackZ, Kendall, Tea’, Chloe and Maddie “On Top Again She Is” Ziegler.
(That was supposed to be Maddie’s Native American name, but the more I look at it the more it sounds like something Yoda from Star Wars would say. I just can’t win this week.)
The gang was all headed to the Energy Dance Competition Regionals in Waterford, MI where the tiniest ALDC dancers would be battling it out for a spot at Nationals.
MackZ, Tea’ and Sarah all scored solos. So the pressure was on.
The group routine, if you actually haven’t figured it out by now, was going to be a sparkly Cher-inspired ethnic Native American tribal council dance.
Seriously. Inspired by Cher. From the Sonny & Cher Show. That Cher.
Apparently Abby had gone to see one of Cher’s never-ending Farewell Tour performances (…Seriously. This beeyotch has been saying farewell for the last 10 years…) and was so inspired by the iconic Half-Breed song that she raced back to Pittsburgh with one of those feathered headdresses they sell next to the ‘I Got You Babe’ t-shirts.
Nia was going to be the featured lead in the dance. I hate to keep saying ‘I told you so’ when it comes to the International Year of the Nia…but…well…look at that, will ya…
I told you so.
Pssst. Newsflash: Booty Short Tami let Abby know the ‘word on the street’ was that Jeanette had entered her daughter Ava into the competition as well, which would mean that 12 year old Ava would be going up against Abby’s pint-sized triplets.
Something about a 9 -12 year old category that magically changed to a 10-12 year old category at some point during the episode. I guess Tea’ was in her own category for Mini Grand Supreme or something (…I think I’m getting my toddler shows confused…) but then her overall score would put her up against Ava.
Or maybe I was too busy you tubing Half Breed to pay attention.
I mean, come on. Who didn’t want to slap on a Village People headdress and ride into Study Hall on a horse when they were little? Cher is…gah.
She’s f***ing Cher, for crying out loud.
Oh. And ps…‘word on the street’ is code for ‘Jeanette told me at Starbucks.’
They’re BFFs. Just saying.
As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls got to rehearsing.
Sarah had the nervous sniffles. Again…sweater, please. Or can we at least turn the heat up a skootch? Abby wanted her to drag herself across the floor like she was in a horrific bus accident and could no longer walk. (Spoiler alert: I think I just figured out what the next scene’s trauma stems from…) while MackZ had a sassier, more mature solo.
Work it. Work it. Walk it. Walk it.
Tea’, on the other hand, was straight up little girl Boop-Oop-A-Doop 1920′s crybaby, complete with a face down hissy fit like she had just missed out on front row Cher tickets.
Upstairs, Christi was trying to psych out Tami just like she had psyched out Loree the week before, by suggesting that even though Tea’ made an awesome crybaby, she was going up against an even bigger crybaby and didn’t stand a chance.
Remember last week? Ava sat on her mother’s lap and almost ugly cried herself into a blackout. You’re like 12 years old. Going on 6 feet tall.
Pull it together, sister. You’re an amazing dancer.
The group rehearsal is when it started getting good.
Abby wanted more Face from Nia. More! More! I wanna see Cher!
(Gurrrl, pleez. Who doesn’t? Have you seen the ticket prices?)
Maddie can do it, why can’t you?
Wait. What? What did she just say? Ooooh, Holly didn’t like dat. At all.
Do it, Maddie. Show Nia how to give Face.
And then Maddie jumped in and showed Nia how to give Face. And then Holly noticed that it was the same MaddieFace that she had used last week in her solo. And then…wait. It was the same face she had used the week before that, too.
Are we talking FaceGate? Hold up. Maddie’s been using the same face every week for four years? And nobody told me? Good thing Holly’s on the case.
When Holly turned to Melissa and pointed out that she’d never seen one 8th grade social studies book with a photo of Chief MaddieFace, I just ’bout hit the floor.
By the time Abby came up to the MomPerch for some NiaFace-Bashing, Dr. Beyoncé wasn’t having it. All right…whatever. Shut it down now. Game Over.
Stick a fork in it. I’m done.
And then Sarah had some major bus anxiety.
I mean, major. Like breath into a paper bag kind of anxiety.
I’m not really sure where it all stems from, though the last time there was an issue with public transportation Christ-y tried to peg it on home schooling and the fact that Sarah had never been away from her side in 9 years.
Now unless they do one room home schooling, I’m not sure why the poor little nugget couldn’t go to the back of the bus without her Mom, because I’m going to assume her bedroom is on the other side of the house. There has to be a point in the day when Mom is not her in sight line.
I felt bad for Sarah. Especially when Abby yelled at her to pick a damn spot and sit down.
And so did Holly, who took Sarah under her stylishly on-trend Gap dark denim jacket wing and helped her to the back seats, explaining that buses only break apart in the middle and lose the front half over a cliff in the movies. Not Real Life, honey.
And I don’t know why your Mama isn’t helping me. Now go blow your nose.
Side note: Abby said ‘Bull Crap.’ With the kids in the car.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Christi lost track of all the kids as soon as they arrived, which was hilarious. Anyone seen the children? Where are the children?
(Wasn’t that the name of a dance or something? The one where crazy Vivi-Anne just sat in a swing? I miss that kid. I hope she’s getting enough ice cream up there in Ohio, because you know how I worry about her calcium levels.)
Jeanette and Ava showed up. Mom was wearing some tight jeans from Not-Forever 21 and had that kind of curly hair that never dried the entire episode.
Tami kept finding excuses to sneak out of the back room and go narc on the ALDC Moms with her BFF. I’m not sure how she expected to keep that one a secret with two cameras following her down the hallway, but all right…whatever.
And then the editing just turned into a hot mess. Hot. Mess. And you know that’s my pet peeve.
The group routine went on first, even though in reality it clearly went later since the girls were in and out and back in their Native American makeup about ten times during the rest of the show. Seriously, people?
Nia was a-maz-ing in the Cher Dance, even though Maddie kept hogging the lead spot.
(Did you see them all standing on the giant Tom-Tom? Git out my center spot, gurl.)
Was it just me, or did that seem a little odd? And what was up with MackZ’s crab crawl handstand thingamabob around the drum? Is that a contractually required move every week now? Because I’ve never seen any Native Americans bust that one out before.
Sarah clearly drew on all that bus angst during her solo, which was a mix of that kid from Les Misérables and those old Italian women who throw themselves on top of caskets at funerals. Her Mom’s face when she was dancing, though.
Tea’s hair bow looked like bunny rabbit ears but she Betty Boop’d herself into a meltdown quite nicely. She totally has a silent movie face.
And then MackZ proved once and for all that the Bumble Bee costume is a thing of the past. Our baby is all grown up.
Side note: They came back from commercial break and showed some mystery group doing a Li’l Abner looking dance with a double wide trailer and lawn chairs. Excuse me? I need to see that Redneck Dance in its entirety, asap. Dolla makes me holla, yo.
Next up, Ava did her solo but Kendall missed it because she was out back putting on her NativeAmericanFace for the 2nd time. Seriously. Editing, people. Don’t make me keep saying it.
And then all of the sudden Maddie was dancing. Giving some unexpected, and not even listed in the program, MaddieFace to all of Michigan.
Don’t ask. Abby had asked her to bring a costume under the premise of ‘psyching out Ava’ in the wings of the stage, but then all of the sudden there she was in the spotlight doing the dance that lady from Greenwich Village had written for her last week.
I said don’t ask.
Backstage, all the Moms ganged up on Melissa, accusing her of sabotaging MackZ’s chance at First Place by shoving her out of the way so Maddie could perform. Melissa said Nope. The Moms said Yup. And Abby said it was done to make sure Ava didn’t win.
My MomCrush Jill (…who was rocking some serious snake skin, BTW…) accused Melissa of throwing MackZ under the bus, which almost put Sarah into cardiac arrest until someone told the kid it was just a figure of speech.
Lawd, that girl’s gonna be the death of me.
Holly even called it a Defining Moment for America…and probably MackZ’s career…and I vowed to vote for Dr. Beyoncé in 2016 instead of Loree’s husband. I think an American flag even unfurled behind her as she spoke, but everyone was so busy putting their NativeAmericanFaces back on for the third time that they all missed the I Have A Dance Dream speech. Love me some Holly when her hair starts curling.
Not so much the Post-Production Editors and the Continuity Guy.
Wax On. Wax Off. Hats On. Hats Off.
And then all the little Chers went out to collect their awards.
Sarah won First Place Petite Solo, which I now realize is not the same thing as Mini Grand Supreme. Kiddie Pageants give out waaaay better crowns.
Did you see that tiny thing on her head? It was like the ones you buy at iParty and put on cupcakes for Disney Princess Birthday Parties. I’m afraid she’s gonna swallow it the next time she starts hyper-ventilating.
What a rip.
Tea’s solo came in Fifth. MackZ took Third. Ava Second. And then Maddie won First Place, even though the judge with the bow tie was going to have to UPS her trophy to her on Monday since she was such a late entry.
The Native American group dance easily took First Place. Probably something to do with that whole International Year of the Nia thing I keep hearing about.
Abby still wouldn’t admit that Nia was amazing, even when Holly pressed her for feedback and her special recipe for sugar cookies.
(Seriously. Did you hear that interaction? What the what?)
And then Jeanette and Ava got booted off the New & Improved ALDC Select Team because of this week’s sneak attack against Abby. When will these people learn?
Tami did ask Abby if it was okay to use the restroom, though. I guess even Narcs need a potty break.
And then it was over. Until next week when the Road to Nationals brings the ALDC face to face with the Candy Apples again.
Oh, yeah. Me see heap big trouble brewing.
Sing us outta here, will ya Nia?