Gotta make sure I get a good shot of these new pants. There’s a lot going on down there.
I know, right? My first book! Which is one more than the rest of you. So suck on that for a few.
Honestly, I was just looking for the Glitz Pageant. But I’ll take two books, because your man is Fine.
Stop staring at me. I told you it’s gone.
Oh. Hell. No. I know that new Mom did not just throw shade in my face. Gurrrrl…this won’t end well.
I’m pretty sure I don’t need some bitch in last year’s blouse coming in here talking trash.
Think, Girl. Think. Did you unplug the hot rollers this morning? Cuz that could be an issue.
Road trip!
Pack some snacks and gas up the Rambler, girls.
Mama’s got a brand new Louis bag and she’s taking it to Detroit.
Dance Moms hit the highway this week to celebrate Motor City’s hot mess of a financial meltdown. Because nothing get those toes tapping like $18.5 billion in unpaid debt, right?
Clearly, if you can’t bail yourself out of bankruptcy, the least you can do is dance about it.
Basking in an 8 week glow as Undefeated Champions of the World, Abby Lee Miller and the ALDC gang were revving their engines in anticipation of Number 9 from the minute they all scooted in for the obligatory Pyramid of Shame.
Kelly, Brooke and Paige were still MIA. Never to return (…at least for now…) and clearly only mentioned in this sentence for the purpose of getting me more Google hits from their fan base. I’m not proud, but at least I own it.
Before the Big Reveal, there were a couple of topics to discuss.
One: Abby’s makeup. Srsly.
I don’t know if it was residual smear on my television screen from Monday’s premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race or what, but Ms. Miller was contoured and highlighted like she was about to lip sync for her life.
I’m not hatin’. Love you. Mean it. But whoa. Sissy that Face, Miss Thang.
Two: My girl Holly was all like Well That’s A Nice Story And All, But I Just Published My First Book. Hollah! And then she danced a little, I think.
That’s right. Dr. Beyoncé finally cranked out the first pressing of ‘Moments Of Clarity’ …a novel chock full of daily affirmations and fashion tips, which you can buy right here. Or if you’re really that lazy, you can just look to the left of this paragraph, go up a little and then click on her face. It’s really not rocket science.
But remember…it’s her old ‘do in the graphic. So don’t get confused. It’s still her, I swear.
Just before she got her hair did, mmmkay?
And no, I still don’t get commission. She just owes me lunch. With dessert, thank you.
All the other Moms gave Holly a big round of applause and immediately got all excited about an upcoming book signing. Abby even showed a little uncharacteristic support by doing that odd base of her palm thing that she always does to ensure that no acrylics pop off while she’s clapping. It’s like Monkey Clapping when you pull a surprise banana out of your pocket and they all start throwing themselves against the bars of the cage.
Unfortunately, the entire press release was overshadowed once again by one of Jill‘s crazy a** fur vests. I’ll even go out on a limb and call it the best one yet.
Well played, Mama Vertes. I did not know that Star Trek had a couture line.
Captain Kirk would totally tap that.
C’mon. How much do we love Jill? Muah.
Bottom row of the Pyramid was filled up with Nia, Kendall and Maddie. Nia had some headpiece issues in last week’s group dance. I swear those ALDC girls must grease their heads, because there ain’t one girl in that building who has ever been able to keep something on her head for an entire routine. Am I wrong?
Kendall did just fine at the last competition, but then Captain Kirk’s new girlfriend mouthed off and sealed her daughter’s fate this week. So there you go.
Since Maddie was off in Los Angeles last week getting an Oscar for Most Dances With The Same Facial Expression, she had to be on the bottom just because of the rules. Otherwise I’m certain that she would have been on top again.
The Middle row was special seating for Chloe and Mackenzie, for no real reason other than to leave room at the top for Kalani and that sassy hands on her hips soap opera headshot. You see that thing? I thought Abby was going to pull out one of those little plastic handheld fans that big girls take to the beach and try to make Kalani’s hair move in the photo. Werk.
And then the whole MoleGate Twitter thing started again.
I dunno wassup with Kira. Why would I? It’s there. And then it’s gone. And then it’s back again. And then it’s gone again. Rinse & Repeat.
Somebody even wrote to me specifically to find out what insider information I might have regarding Kira’s upper lip.
Really?
Yeah, I’m tight with the Dance Moms crew. They’ll deny it in court, but we’re BFFs now. But I draw the line at accompanying any of them to laser treatments. Even if there are cocktails involved. Because that would be uncomfortable for at least one of us.
So please stop asking me about you-know-what.
As mentioned earlier, the gang was heading to Detroit for another one of those SpellCheck Nightmare In10sity Dance Competitions.
Maddie and Kendall scored solos, which made both Before and After Treatment Kira question why Kalani was never allowed to go up against a Ziegler.
Spoiler Alert: She didn’t get very far in that argument even though she did manage to drag it out for the entire hour.
The group routine, entitled Riches To Rags, was a snappy little number about unemployment and financial hardships that got Holly a little concerned. She’s not big on mocking other people’s hardships. Even for a trophy.
As Holly voiced her concerns in the MomPerch, Abby was downstairs in the studio explaining why Maddie…and her solo…were both breathtakingly Timeless. Because she likes to push everyone else’s buttons like that.
All that really mattered during the conversation was Kalani, who instead of knocking Maddie unconscious in front of the cameras, chose instead to just scratch her head with one finger like girls do when their weaves or braids are too tight right before a playground fight.
We could all learn a lot about snarky attitude from that girl. She’s my new idol and she’s pretty and awesome and pretty awesome.
But no rumble today, kids, because it was time to press some flesh and hug some babies at Holly’s Book Signing.
Held in one of those big hotels that made me miss Toddlers & Tiaras even more than I already do, Holly and Barack Obama were holding their first Meet & Greet Autograph Session.
Um. Hello? Dr. Holly’s Man Evan? I have no clue what office he’s running for, but I’m totally voting for him in September.
Dude was schmoozing and waving and hugging s*** like he was a parade marshal or something. All the Moms dropped by in a show of solidarity. And Abby. And most of the cast from The Cosby Show.
Totes jealz that I wasn’t there. I would have totally sat at that other table with those two Girl Scouts and minded my own business just selling books and Thin Mints.
Back at the ALDC, Kendall was working on her solo while some random baby was being tossed upside down next door in Studio C. Not sure why we needed to actually see that, but watching some tiny preemie being flipped around like a bean bag did kind of give me life for a second.
Nice try on the somersault, too. I’m also 80% Head. So I feel your pain, kid.
Kendall’s dance involved wrapping a pair of pointe shoes around her neck and then whipping them in circles like Britney Spears does with her fake hair.
Meltdown in 3…2…1.
Kendall lost it. Gianna lost it. Jill lost it. The Swinging Is Too Much! Not Doing It! Crying. Doors slamming. More crying.
And then Maddie went into the studio, learned her entire solo, baked a cake and cured polio in 2.5 minutes. It was starting to look like a set up. Or was it? Hmmm.
All I know is that it was the most I’ve ever heard Kendall talk in 3 years. She’s sassy.
On the final day before the competition, Abby was MIA and Gianna was large and in charge. And the first item on her to-do list was to have Melissa come down from the MomPerch and videotape Maddie’s rehearsal for some reason.
One: Melissa’s snuggly wuggly pajama jeans were like dropping acid and then sticking your head in a washing machine. I don’t even know where you find a factory that still makes that pattern in stretch fabric now that the 1960′s are over.
Even Jill hated them. And when Jill draws the line…well…there you go.
Two: Everyone was moisturizing up in the Perch. Which is fine. It’s cold and dry in Pittsburgh. I get it. But when they’re all up there chewing gum and lubing up like a cult it’s just a little creepy. No wonder their kid’s hats never stay on their heads.
Finally, it was Showtime! And cameo appearance by a new whack job Mom time!
Fresh from the ALDC Open Call Auditions in New York City, wannabe Mom Jeanette Cota swooped down from some open ceiling tile like a dancing ninja and pounced on Abby as they entered the venue.
Remember me from the Open Call? Remember me? And my jungle print Kohl’s blouse? The blouse that is no where near as cool as Holly’s new flowing Wilma Flintstone animal skin? Or Mackenzie’s zebra print carry-on?
Do not adjust your set. There was a lot of Jersey Shore going on this week.
Abby claimed that all these crazy Moms were now stalking her across the country in the hopes of getting their kids onto the ALDC Elite Team. Jeanette apparently hitchhiked all the way from Michigan to sneak her daughter Ava onto the team.
Which made me wonder what ever happened to that girl from Nebraska who showed up at the studio with Kalani that first day? She waved, sat down and was never heard from again. I hope she made it home safely.
They’re from Nebraska, you know.
Backstage was a mess. I don’t think you need me to tell you that the entire back wall looked like a mall pet store. At least the part that wasn’t covered in hot pink fabric. What are they hiding back there? Why are there cages everywhere? I think this goes way deeper than any of us initially suspected.
But don’t worry, though. When Evan gets elected he’ll clean up government.
Kendall and Maddie’s solo went like all the Kendall and Maddie solos. No news here.
The group routine managed to mock Detroit’s welfare system without anyone in the audience even realizing what was happening on stage. Luckily Motor City isn’t the one where the Mayor does crack, or that would have substantially more awkward. And probably harder to score.
Mackenzie did throw a nicely choreographed hissy fit on stage, complete with one of the girls picking her up mid-tantrum. I almost forgot that she was even on the show this week until she dropped that spaz on us.
Backstage in the pet store, Jeanette busted down the door and started talking smack about Kendall which got both Jill and Kira noticeably wound up.
Fake Kristie Ray Hilliker has gotten much better at tossing her head and whipping those big earrings around lately. She gets points this week.
And then suddenly it was another Improv Dance Off. Because they do that a lot lately. But this one was on stage. For money or something, I guess. I dunno. It just kind of came out of nowhere. Like Jeanette.
Chloe, Kalani and Random Girl #25 from WhoKnowsWhere ended up being in the Final Three. Which meant that Ava got cut early, which made Jill and Kira pretty darn happy. Then Random Girl #25 won the whole thing.
Followed by the Awards. And some serious MomDancing in the seats.
Sit down, Jill. You’re drunk.
Kendall scored 9th Place. Maddie scored 1st Place. And the group came in Numero Uno.
Nine weeks in a row, beeotches!
To celebrate, Christi and Abby decided to throw down in the hallway again. Git In M’Face! Git Outta M’Face! Keep It Up! Keep It Up! Not Scared Of You!
Check out Melissa’s nervous blinking. And Holly autographing books in the background.
And then Christi called her own mother something that got (bleeped) out. They even blurred her mouth out like VH1 does when the Mob Wives threaten each other with a fork to the throat.
Nine weeks. Can they make it Ten?
Will they even live that long?
And what about Kalani? Is she officially on the Team yet?
And how about that Jeanette lady? And Ava?
So many questions that will have to go unanswered for now.
At least until next week.
When Candy Apples return.
That’s right. She’s baaaaack.
But for now…just go away.
It’s over.
(Bleep)