Bad Girls, Bad Girls. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Britney Spears comes for you?
And the award for “Best Whacky Gay Sidekick With No Name Helping Carry In A Butt Kissing Bench” goes to…
It’s The Dance Moms Drinking Game! Take a shot every time someone yells. Or swears. Or cries. Bonus shot ski if they yell and swear and cry all at once.
I’m taking the first kid I grab and hitting the road. This hair is way too big for a studio this small. Peace out, bitches.
All the Single Ladies. If you like it then you better put some Pork on it.
O. M. G.
D. M. O.
S. O. S.
It was Dance Moms Overload this week…somebody help me. You might need a snack to get through this one.
Abby Lee Miller is back.
That’s right. Before we even had time to rinse the Toddlers & Tiaras taste out of our mouths, all the Crazy Dancing and Dancing Crazies just came screaming back onto our plasmas, bringing with them two distinct options.
Rejoice. Or Run.
Remembering everything that had gone down so far this season, your first choice should probably have been to run, but I know how comfortable that couch is after a long day.
Short Term Memory issues? No worries.
The opening act was a full hour of Abby’s Most OMG Moments. Comfortably perched in that Liberace Glitter Closet where she can oversee All Things Dance, Abby flashed back through the Top 20 jaw dropping, forehead slapping, OhNoTheyDin’t moments so far.
Like the day after Thanksgiving, Abby’s hit list of OMGs gave us all the best parts of the bird reheated and shoved back down our throats one more time, whether we were hungry or not.
You’re gonna eat it. And you’re gonna like it.
#20. Put On Your Game Faces, And Maybe Fix Your Hair In A Room With A Mirror.
Making their entrance into one of the many competitions this season, Abby and her little dancers were about to come face to face with crazy villainess Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and the Candy Apples Contingent.
After letting her team sprawl all around the lobby doing the most technically unsafe, neck bending sit-ups ever seen in the world of fitness, Cathy huddled in the corner with all her Apples like meerkats do when they’re about to get eaten by a hawk. As Abby approached with her dancers, in that windblown flash mob way they always enter a room, Cathy whispered Don’tLookAtThemDon’tLookAtThem over and over like some kind of religious cult mantra.
Both troupes repeatedly hummed GameFacesGameFaces until Abby broke the tension and waved a quick “Hollah” at the Apples. That was nice, right?
The single pink roller still stuck in her hair was also nice touch. And it didn’t go unnoticed by Cathy or my favorite bad a** red haired Mom, as they both laughed like they had just backed over the neighbors’ annoyingly bratty kid with their SUV.
You know that red haired Mom totally tweeted about the curler as soon as Abby pulled it out of her ‘do. With a big LOL at the end.
#19. Oops…Peyton Did It Again. Hot For Teacher.
It was the Naughty School Girl Number, and Abby had slutted the girls up like mini-Britney Spears video vixens. Trying to channel Catholic school girls gone bad, Abby knotted up their white shirts and tore their fishnets to artfully imply that 7 foot tall bully Peyton had roughed them up on the playground.
Peyton’s Mom Leslie, who is clearly Pennsylvania’s authority on bullying, took some offense to the outfits and the fact that her Amazon kid was the one chosen to be the bad seed.
That sound you just heard was the apple not falling far from the tree.
#18. The Gift(s) That Keep On Giving.
In her never ending attempts at scoring Kendall top billing on every gymnasium marquee in America, Real Housewife of Pittsburgh Jill has invested a good chunk of change this season on bribery gifts.
Whether it’s one of those mark-down cologne sets they sell at TJMaxx on Black Friday or secret massages in the storage closet, Jill showered Abby with more gifts this season than the rest of us receive on our birthdays and Christmas combined.
The one that took the cake was her front lobby bench, complete with an engraved Things Remembered plaque, emblazoned with “To Abby With Love. Now Go Break Maddie’s Knees And Put My Kid On Stage” or some such gibberish.
The gift itself was over the top, but it was nothing compared to whoever that dude was who helped Jill yank the bench out of the van.
I’m not too proud to say I’m officially obsessed with finding out how she scored herself a whacky gay sidekick/assistant on such short notice.
Wrapped up in his Dance Moms: Miami scarf, the guy shlepped the bench into the entryway and then clutched the previously positioned, yet suddenly displaced, trophy like he was Susan Lucci.
I applaud your win, Sir. No one deserved it more.
#17. Don’t Make Holly Smack You With Her Doctorate.
This one was Mom Holly butting heads with Abby.
Holly had a job and couldn’t always be at the studio. Abby wanted Nia to single handedly take on every ethnic dance ever choreographed, and do it dressed like a National Geographic Special every week.
We can skim right past this one, since it will happen again next week.
#16. Kelly Interrupts A Rehearsal And Swears And Threatens To Quit.
Ditto. Next week? Same scene. Different outfit.
#15. It’s An Audition For The Joffrey Ballet. Shut Your Pizza Hole, Woman.
Stick all the Moms, and all the Candy Apples, into one crammed hallway. Add some pizza slices and poor pointe shoe technique, and you have all the makings for a great bitch fest that was guaranteed to distract both Mr. Joffrey and most likely any cab drivers down on the street level.
As Team Abby worked on their ballet stuff in the audition room, Cathy and Kelly got into it outside the door when Cathy casually observed that Brooke’s feet looked eerily similar to Danny DeVito’s in the second Batman movie.
With that bad a** red haired Mom right in the middle of things again (…she has Fight Club radar, I swear…) one by one all the Moms pig piled on Cathy, like a nursery full of babies all waking up at the same time.
I have no idea how Mr. Joffrey contained himself enough to not slap the spaz right out of Cathy. I also have no idea how she found pizza upstairs at the Joffrey. According to the CW Network, ballet dancers don’t even eat.
Go figure.
#14. Cathy Goes For The Nose.
It was Cathy vs. Christi.
I love when they throw down. It’s Krystal and Alexis without the hair pulling.
At least so far. We can only hope.
#13. Kelly Swears Again. But This Time It’s The “W” Word.
Blah Blah Blah. Kelly and Abby went at it again as a random Mom scooted everyone out the door.
But this time Kelly called Abby a whore!
Yeah. For realz. And then Kelly took a drink out of her styrofoam cup, which was totally like she was toasting herself for saying it.
I still haven’t figured out Kelly’s hair, and it’s been almost two years. But I love her crazy face when she loses it.
#12. Taking Out The White Trash.
Another screaming match at the studio.
When all the Moms took their kids and their Vera Bradley bags and stormed out the front door, Abby called them White Trash.
Hello, Pot. Meet Kettle.
#11. Maybe If You Scream “Role Model” A Little Louder She’ll Hear You.
Another screaming match. By now I was losing track.
Someone screamed something about being a role model, which I found quite ironic.
#10. A Little Whine And Cheese Before We Kick You Out?
All the Moms got together out in the Real World, which was a great opportunity to have some snacks at a Mom home and snoop in the medicine cabinet while everyone else was downstairs in the kitchen.
After a few cocktails and half a Hickory Farms cheese log, the conversation got around to Abby’s favoritism and the special attention that Melissa’s two daughters receive at the studio.
Though not as sloppy as The Jersey Shore, you know what happens when you try to have a conversation after chugging down a wine box.
Melissa stormed out, quickly followed by Jill.
I’ll give the Moms all props. How they drink and eat and scream all at the same time without biting the inside of their mouths or the tip of their tongues is an art form. I can’t even answer my cell with a mouthful.
I bow to them.
#9. And Just Like That…Poof! Jill And Her Poof Are Gone.
Even with all the cologne and furniture, Kendall ended back on probation and Jill blew a nutty. As Abby spewed a veritable grocery list of Kendall’s flaws, both Jill and her Pittsburgh Poof got more tightly wound until they both finally popped.
Snatching her kid like she was hoisting her Louis bag off the conveyor belt at JFK Airport, Jill vowed to leave and take Kendall to a studio who could appreciate her talents.
There was crying, and big hair and over accessorizing…everything that we’ve grown to love about Jill.
She set the GPS for Ohio and you know how that story ends.
#8. Leslie’s Golden Rules Of Parenting.
Take the criticism and shut up. If you don’t like it, go somewhere else. I said shut up.
The End.
#7. Is That Jerky In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
Tommy’s Jerky Emporium Palooza or whatever it was called, needed to get more business. Run by Cathy’s husband Mike, whose Broadway stage name is Canton’s Jerky King, both the business and Mike himself are both basically dead weight stuck to Cathy’s side.
Times are tough, and Cathy figured a commercial would bring in more customers and put more money in the cash registers.
Filling the freezer with sellable jerky and preventing Mike from eating half the profits would also benefit the business, but maybe that’s just my observation.
Figuring she could kill to birds with one stone, Cathy somehow coerced Christi into allowing smiley little Chloe to appear in the commercial. As Mike chewed off another percent or two of company profit, Chloe was forced to dance in the now infamous Meat Unitard.
Looking like a Jennifer Lopez lint roller that was dragged through a deli counter, poor Chloe survived with her dignity intact, though she did lose a slice of pepperoni or two in the back I noticed.
#6. More Drama At Peyton Place.
After finishing up the Naughty School Girl number, everything fell apart in the back room. Even though Peyton had incorrectly taped the “Kick Me” sign on a Good Girl’s back, she still felt that she had done better than most of the other dancers.
Snotty attitude, much? Let’s just say that Abby Lee Miller don’t play dat.
#5. Melissa’s Matrimonial Meltdown.
Since I don’t get why Melissa is so freaked out about the other Moms discussing her upcoming nuptials, I leave this one to the lawyers.
You would think that finally legalizing your relationship with the Mystery Man who has been cutting dance checks in exchange for booty calls would make everything less covert, but that’s just me. Since her beau and Judge Judy are both on speed dial, we’ll move right along.
#4. Brooke Shakes Her Pom Poms Somewhere Else.
Another Kelly vs. Abby kind of thing. This time because Brooke wanted to try out for Cheerleading, which in my day required that you smile once in awhile.
She’s back.
#3. Cathy Goes For The Nose, Again. This Time Under The Sparkling Disco Ball.
Krystal and Alexis got a little closer to some hair pulling in this round. Between witty repartee surrounding Christi’s metallic ensemble and some Goodwill donations, I almost missed the crazy old lady from Candy Apples taking it all in like she was at the best Bingo Night evah. She was so captivated I think she missed the Early Bird Special.
Someday I hope to be trapped in an elevator with Bingo Lady and Jill’s whacky gay sidekick and marvel at them both until my head explodes.
#2. Git Along, Little Jill Doggie.
Second only to the infamous Meat Unitard is Jill’s out of character cowboy hat.
Apparently thinking that the straw iParty hat would allow her to more easily blend in with the locals, Jill was looking like that person we all worked with who always dressed up for Theme Day.
When Abby refused to allow Kendall to wear the $500 costume that Jill was trying to sneak in under the radar (…and call it home made, natch…) our little cowgirl got her saloon pantaloons all in a bunch, threw a shoe and then headed out of Dodge.
Again.
#1. Abby Cried? You Mean…No…She’s Human?
With a nod to Victor and Angel (…I’m from Miami, bitch…) we finished off The List with Abby in tears.
The last time we had seen Abby she had just lost a competition by .999999999% or something to the Candy Apples. She had witnessed the Golden Child Maddie forget her routine and run off stage. She was also taking heat from all the Moms over her ongoing favoritism.
Not a good day at the office.
After a butt shot that filled my entire 50″ screen, Abby had left the competition early and headed off into the sunset.
It was, like, totally OMG.
But she’s back., Candy Apples.
Chew on that.