She’s got Big Ones. Gigantic Bull Ones. Like the ones they eat on that Food Network show.
Hell, yeah. I’ve got RND. Righteous Natural Diva. And trust me, there ain’t no way you all are gonna catch this.
You know that only works if you’re like 6 months old, right? I can still see you.
Seriously. Maybe she’ll answer the call when my shiny new iPhone is up her a**.
Really? Really? Look at my hair, honey. I’ve got bigger problems than you and your BFF right now.
Hell, yeah. She gets it from her Mama.
OMG. It’s that cute boy from Miami who always stands on one leg. OMG. Is he looking at me? Tell me he’s looking.
It was only Tuesday.
But it felt like Freaky Friday.
Opposite Day in Reality TV Land.
While the Mob Wives were over on VH1 hugging it out like one big happy sitcom family and helping Staten Island recover from Hurricane Sandy, the Dance Moms were screaming and swearing and threatening to (bleepin’) cut a bitch if they didn’t return a (bleepin’) phone call.
Yeah. A phone call. And (bleep) you if you have a problem wid dat. Cuz you do NOT wanna got to (bleepin’) Dance War with me. Trust me.
Freaky Friday, I tell you.
After last week’s poor showing and post-competition Super Soaker fight between Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and Abby Lee Miller (…and Jill “Don’t you EVER talk about my kid again” Vertes, of course…) everyone was a little wired as they arrived for the latest Pyramid of Shame & Potential Suspension.
The ALDC had not only lost in Detroit, but had lost to the Candy Apples Crew. Which in AbbyLand is a bazillion times worse than just losing. Probably actually closer to two bazillion if you do the math.
So needless to say, coming off a low performing week Abby was already cranky before she even got out of bed.
Last week was also National Christi-Free Week, thanks in part to Mrs. Lukasiak’s paparazzi hallway meltdown and that Sharpie magic marker “Suspended” which Abby had scribbled all over Chloe’s face. So it was anyone’s guess whether they would be joining all of us for the next competition.
Turns out that Kelly had tried to reach out to Christi during her stint in the Witness Protection Program, but had not received any response back from her BFF. Within the first three minutes of the episode she was already starting a slow boil about the whole situation, and I was already slowly fogging up on how many times she had actually tried to call and text Christi or why they were actually fighting in the first place.
Somehow between all the Poland Springs water bottles being tossed in Cathy’s face last week, it appeared that Kelly had managed to somehow offend Christi via an unintentional slam against Chloe.
Or something. They’re fighting. That’s all that really matters.
Naturally, the C&C Dance Factory showed up at the studio as we started out, and if they could make it past the front desk guards the whole gang would be back together again.
Every time a Mom stampedes out of the ALDC they are contractually obligated to come back with their tail between their legs and say that they are only there because their kid wants to dance. Trust me. I’ve seen the paperwork.
Christi apologized to Abby, the competition, the guy at the toll booth and to anyone else who would listen and then scooted Chloe back to Studio A for some high pitched screams and hugs.
Mom was pretty proud of the fact that she got up the kahunas to waltz back in after all the pre-suspension hallway drama, but all Abby could focus on was the actual size of those kahunas. As in she felt that it was pretty ballsy of Christi to even show up.
Incredibly ballsy, as a matter of fact. Enormously ballsy. Like there’s probably a dashboard camera photo of those kahunas somewhere in Russia that keeps getting mistaken for the giant asteroid that almost took out the Kremlin.
And then Abby said the word “Balls” way too many times for my liking and I had to mute the television before she gave me intimacy issues.
As the Pyramid began, it was clear that Kelly and Christi were not going to play nice in the sandbox this week. You might want to get your finger on the 5 second delay censor button, Mr. Lifetime Audio Guy.
Bottom of the triangle went to Nia, Paige and Kendall.
Nia was in the basement because Mom Holly had called Abby a “Monstrosity of Evil” during a minor hissy fit, and had gotten her duet pulled from the competition.
It should be noted that when you have a Ph.D. you call people things like “Monstrosity of Evil.” When you don’t, you just call them fat. Or ugly. Or both. Am I wrong?
Paige had been caught in the duet crossfire, so she got dumped next to Nia because you can’t have a duet with just one person. Kendall hadn’t even placed in the top 10 after months and months of Mom’s nagging to get her a solo, and since there was no 4th level to the Pyramid , Abby had to stick her on Deck Three.
Second Tier was all about Mackenzie and Brooke. Reasoning? MackaBooBoo had done a good…but not great…job and Brooke still needed to smile and work on being a role model. But most importantly, Abby needed to leave the top open for Maddie.
Who was back with a vengeance.
This time around everyone was headed to Ft. Lauderdale for another In10sity Dance Competition.
Brooke and Maddie were given solos. Maddie got all excited, while Brooke stared blankly into space so hard that I thought my cable box had frozen. One smile. That’s all I’m asking for, honey. Just one. I’ll pay you.
As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls all got to work on the group routine, which was a bluesy, jazzy Speak Easy liquor hall dance.
Jill pulled out her cell phone and Googled Speak Easy while Christi sulked and Kelly boiled a little hotter.
I swear Jill’s phone gets more blinged out each week. I need to pay more attention next time, because I don’t remember it having that ginormous piece of Mariah Carey ice on the back the last time she flung it at somebody.
Then I sat on my remote and got switched to either The Hills or some teenage show about two girls who text and fight and make up and then text some more and drink too much. Or maybe it was just Kelly and Christi starting in on each other. I’m not sure.
But somebody didn’t call somebody else even though the other person said they did call and one of them never saw a text from the other one even though both of them certainly know how to use an iPhone since they never put the freakin’ things down and then somebody accused somebody else of making out with their boyfriend under the bleachers after school.
Or something. But that’s totally how they talked. OMG.
Then somebody noticed that Squeak Toy Sophia Lucia was MIA. Again.
But this time it wasn’t a movie with Meryl Streep or whatever it was she had going on out in Hollywood the last few months. Nope. This time she just realized that these Moms were cray cray and the tiny thing pried open the bars of her cartoon cage and headed for the other hills.
Run like the wind, Alvin. And don’t look back.
During the group rehearsal, Abby was still holding a grudge against Christi’s kahunas and was taking it out on Chloe. Big Time.
You. Girl in the front. Hey. You. Blondie.
Remember my name. FAME. You knew where this one was going. And it went there.
After a little Christi nutty, Melissa and Kelly went down into that odd little costume warehouse/swap shop thing to whine a little. The scene itself was pretty insignificant except for the hilarity of seeing Kelly whine about Christi in front of one of those HomeGoods country store plaques that said “No Whining.”
Well played, Mr. Lifetime Prop Guy.
After lurking in the shadows for the past few weeks, it was time for Sasha Nia to get her Laquifa back, and she werked it right down to Miss Abby and asked to have the duet put back on the marquee for this week. No Mom. No nuthin. Just Laquifa and some crazy hair.
Miss Abby loved the fact that Nia had the (…slightly smaller…) kahunas to come down and ask for something without dragging Holly along, and you totally knew she was going to cave and let them do the dance, but she stalled for a bit just to mess with another child’s head. Cuz that’s how we do, mmmkay?
Abby needed to see the dance again, just to make sure that Nia and Paige hadn’t erased the routine from their ALDC memory chip. So everyone came down to the studio and then they….umm…then…I don’t know…
Honestly, I got so distracted by all of Abby’s matchy-matchy jewelry that I started picturing that room in her house again, all the way down at the end of some Wizard of Oz hallway, filled with nothing but Zip-Lock baggies and those color coded HSN hanging jewelry bags and forgot to pay attention.
But I saw on a commercial that they did the duet, so I guess it went well.
And now, you too can try and remove this visual scar from your brain: Abby Lee Miller, standing in her underwear every morning, trying to decide if she feels Purple or Orange or Yellow today and then going to some massive hi-tech motorized Wall of Pantone Headbands to choose just the perfect hue to sync up with yet another StarFish ring.
You’re welcome for that.
And then there was a seemingly endless montage of Kelly and Christi moments. Some involving them. Others just involving random Moms talking about all the shade they were throwing towards each other. Complete with another couple rounds of who called and texted whom and when and why and how life went on without Christi.
Umm. She knows she was only gone for 7 days, right?
Finally, it was Showtime!
The makeup room was full of aerosol and tension as Kelly and Christi both pretended that the other was invisible and went on with their curling iron business. A couple more minutes and you knew some explosion was going to set off the sprinklers.
The judges all wore those Microsoft headset microphones you wear when you play World of Warcraft. Whatever. Just needed to be said.
Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo. She did great, and flipped Sophia another Bird by doing as many signature spins as she could before she blacked out. Take that.
Brooke’s solo was good stuff entitled “Careless.” Or “Care Less,” depending on who you talked to. But according to Abby, the old Brooke was back. Which bodes well for the dancing part, but still not great if you’re looking for anything close to a smile.
Baby steps.
Nia and Paige brought some big hair and big attitude on stage for the postponed duet and everyone was a happy camper.
The Speak Easy group number required that real money be pinned and stapled and hot glued all over the costumes, which was clearly done more for the pleasure of Abby trying to bankrupt the Moms than for serving any real decorative embellishment purpose.
The moral of that story? Dollar bills on the outside mean you’re a Speak Easy flapper.
Dollar bills on the inside means you’re working your way through college. Just saying.
Maddie did some more mean spins on stage and Jill did Gangnam Style in her seat.
For real. And I can’t un-see it. Ever.
Then some kids won some stuff.
The highlight of the awards ceremony was Lady Killer Lucas Triana back in the hizzle!! Everyone’s favorite one leg straight up in the air boy from Dance Moms: Miami was chillin’ on stage and got all the girls a little giggly.
Cuz the little dude’s a Playa. And probably still my hero.
And then it all hit the fan.
Kelly and Christi went outside to (bleep) and (bleep) their way through a few more rounds in the You Should Have Called Game.
And those bitches went full-on Mob Wives.
Screaming. Swearing. And more swearing. You should have. No, YOU should have.
(Bleep) you.
No. (Bleep) you.
OMG. They, like, totally Unfriended each other.
Delete.
TTFN.