I know, right? That chick is wearing pigtails again. Isn’t she the same age as Miley Cyrus now?
No, I’m serious. Is somebody gonna move this gold statue? It’s starting to freak me out.
I don’t remember yo Mama’s hair being so on point the last time. It’s Chica Mica on Fleeka. Halleloo!
#ThatsMyBaby!
#TakeYourOwnSelfie
I swear to Gawd I’ll block my own mom on Twitter if she screws up my hair again next week.
Just so we clear. When you’re this Fabulous, even yo’ fleek is on fleek. Mmmkay, girl?
Hello?
Anybody there?
Can you hear me? Anybody?
Waldo?
Not on Dance Moms, that’s for sure.
It was quiet this week in City of Angels. Eerily quiet.
Probably because Abby Lee Miller was gone.
Not RIP gone. Sorry. Don’t get your hopes up, all you people on Twitter who spend more time worrying about a reality television show than about what you’re gonna feed your own kids for dinner tonight. You know who you are. And don’t some of you have jobs or new grandkids or…I dunno…television remotes with a channel-changer button?
(Got that weekly rant out of the way extra early this time. I feel better already.)
I mean MIA gone.
Like nowhere to be found.
And she took the Pyramid of Shame with her, apparently, because as soon as the credits rolled we were already 17 stories up in the 3rd Street Dance Studios wondering where everybody was and how Mackenzie already has over 2 million Instagram followers.
Seriously. Did you see her laying there on the floor clicking smiley faces and “like” hearts while everyone else was worried that Abby’s lifeless body could be laying in a ditch somewhere under the northbound 14 overpass?
Or MackZ. Or MackenzieBoo. Or whatever her name is this week.
Even the Moms were having issues with Abby’s no-show status. Especially my MomCrush Jill, who was justifiably concerned that Abby’s absence could adversely effect the upcoming seven day celebration known as Kendall Vertes Week.
Drinking Game Alert: Slam one back every time Jill mentions that it’s “Kendall’s Week” and then find yourself a nice park bench somewhere to sleep off that bender. I dare you.
Side note: The way she was going on and on about it, I was a little concerned that banks and post offices would be closed during this newly christened national observance, because I always wait till the last minute to cash my payroll check and then try to float rent every month. But false alarm…they’re open. Just be aware that buses and subways are running on a limited holiday schedule.
Speaking of. Jill, I mean. Not me bouncing checks…
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Honestly, I don’t even remember what she wore this week because I was too busy trying to keep track of all the hairstyles that kept popping up on my screen like Mackenzie emojis. I mean…whoa.
There was NewBigHair Jill.
And AerosmithGroupieRockerChick Jill.
And ShortHairWithFrostedSideSweptBangs Jill.
And I don’t even know what this thing is so I’ll just call it PTABakeSaleFlashback Jill.
How’d she get all them fancy hairstyles in one week? How does that even happen?
I mean, I know how it happens with a Pretty Growing Hair Barbie if you inappropriately stick your finger up under her pink Mad Men dress, find her belly button…button…and yank on her ponytail like you’re snatching somebody’s weave in a Target parking lot.
But how does all that happen to a real human being in 60 minutes?
(Forty two minutes if you subtract all the Magic Mike XXL commercials. I’m starting to think that Lifetime ladies are just dirty girls like the rest of us.)
It was like somebody was using the same CGI special effects you always see in action hero movies or something. Like she’s really just wearing one of those old lady bathing suit caps and they’re green screening her hair on during every talking headshot. Not that seeing Jill shoot laser beams out of her eyes would be a bad thing, of course. It might be even cooler than watching her throw a shoe while wearing a cowboy hat in 3D.
But I doubt it.
One….Yes. Kendall’s Mom IS pretty much my hero. And Two…Please don’t tell me I’ve been crushing on an imaginary LucasFilm Jar Jar Binks Jill all this time.
Side note: It’s true. I love Jill almost as much as she used to love me until I started stalking her online and retweeting this MomDance gif every other week.
Side note 2: Kidding. Stalking is bad. This gif on the other hand? Hilarious.
Side note 3: No. I did NOT play with Barbie dolls when I was little. My sister did, thank you very much. I was all about Captain Action back in the day. Did you know that his Spider-Man costume in mint condition now goes for enough bank on eBay to cover all that rent I’ve been bouncing? Keep your toys in the original packaging, kids.
Trust me. Just do it. Never play with your toys ever. Sacrifice your childhood.
Anyway. Where were we?
Oh, yeah. A Programming Note: For tonight’s performance, the role of Abby Lee Miller will be played by Gianna Martello and her ombré highlights. Please do enjoy the show.
Since there was no Abby in the hizzle, we zoomed right past the Pyramid and let “G” assign solos. Cuz that’s what the Moms call her, you know. G. Cuz she’s so gangsta.
Like a G-6. Sippin on sizz. Imma make it fizz. Poppin bottles at the crib. Google it.
To shake things up at the competition this time, EVERYONE was getting assigned solos.
Wha–? That’s crazy. Everyone? So not only was it Kendall’s Week…but it was also Solo Week! Which means that for the next month and a half we’re going to hear the word “Nationals” so many times you’re gonna want to pull out your own Ariana Grande clip-on by the time we get to the Reunion Show.
Brace yourself. The Road to Nationals begins now, folks.
We’ll cover who got what solo at some point, I’m sure…but right now we needed to scoot over to the recording studio and see what sort of Fabulousness my boy Mikey Minden was about to spray in our unprotected faces, because it was time for The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia to put on a funky chapeau and get working on her new rap song.
Clearly, this #StarInYourOwnLife Acela train is showing no signs of slowing down any time soon, so you might want to secure those Louis Vuitton carry-ons in the overhead compartments before anyone gets hurt.
This week, Mikey fabulously hugged everyone and then fabulously introduced us all to Music Producer Andrew and some very nice lady with no name when Nia and Holly arrived for a Skype call with singer Coco Jones.
You remember Coco. She sang a song on that Dance Moms Holiday Special right before Abby gave Nia Sioux all those pots and pans and told her to get back into the kitchen and bake her a cake. Coco also hosted that sleepover slumber party thingamabob where all the ALDC girls ate too much candy and then tried to see who could text a boy fastest with one hand.
Coco was also on some Disney something or other movie, because that’s kind of a thing with this show lately. I blame Todrick Hall. Who’s awesome, BTW.
Basically, Nia and Coco Skyped and got all excited to meet up soon while Holly just sat back and made a bunch of ProudMama HollyFaces.
We love Holly. When she gets excited she just needs to watch what she’s doing, though, because she almost slipped in some of the Fabulousness that Mikey dripped on the floor.
Back at the temporary ALDCLA, the Moms were still wondering if Abby would ever show up again after last week’s massive blowout with Kira. Jill was concerned that Abby was neglecting her duties as Kendall’s manager (…especially important during this National Kendall Week when her new single was dropping on iTunes…) and I was concerned that if Abby never returned, the last thing I would remember was seeing her in a bra.
So there’s that.
Side note: I think I forgot to mention that Kira and Kalani came back after storming off to Arizona last week. And that JoJo with the BowBow was performing at Disney’s Kidz Bop this week, whatever that is. And that I saw Abby Lee Miller in a bra.
Because I did. And still do. Even when I close my eyes.
Side note: As each girl rehearsed their respective solos, I hope everyone was paying close attention to all the subtle zingers that Gianna was tossing at their heads like grenades. You haven’t won lately? You got beat by who last time?
Jessalynn Hilarity Scale: Best. SideEyes. Ever.
And then this happened.
Shangela Laquifa Wadley arrived, bitches.
Remember back in Season One when Shangela first taught Nia her signature move and almost gave the kid an aneurism? That was a moment for the Time Capsule.
This time, Holly had called up Shangela for help with Nia’s rapping skills. Because, I mean, what good mother doesn’t have at least one drag queen on speed dial for just such an occasion, right? You never know when you might need to lay down an eight count bar or duct tape a leaky pipe.
Are you kidding me? Shangela on speed dial? First Mikey Minden and then Aubrey O’Day and now Laquifa What? Can I just live in Holly’s iPhone for one day, please?
Gurrrrrrl.
Shangelas was all like flippin’ it.
To help Nia Sioux channel her Inner Snoop Dog, Shangela had brought along a blinged-out necklace that was kind of a cross between Flava Flav‘s clock and one of those tiny DIY chalkboards they sell at Crate & Barrel to identify what kind of cheese balls you’re serving at a party.
After ceremoniously placing it around her neck, Shangela and the the Royal Family of Frazier announced that, from this day forward throughout the land, Nia Sioux’s rap name would be Chica Mica. All hail Chica Mica.
Whose eyebrows are on Fleeka.
Foshizzle, Jill was groovin’ on the dope a** beat dropz, but she didn’t seem very happy that Shangela was taking up valuable studio time during National Kendall Week. Let’s just say that it was an issue for the remainder of the episode and keep it moving.
Side note: There was also a lot of discussion surrounding whether or not Melissa knew where Abby was this week, what she was up to and why she wasn’t answering her cellphone. I guess some friends of the Ziegler Familia had gone out with Abby the night before but refused to turn her over to the authorities, so Melissa stuck with the story that she had no idea what happened to Abby and then (…according to Kira…) somehow ended up calling herself a liar before running out of the room.
Melissa also firmly stuck to the story that all the other Moms were being big bitches before she slammed the door. Honestly, I was too busy thinking of words that rhymed with ‘Fleeka’ to really know what was happening for a few minutes.
Finally, it was Showtime! And time to fix that nasty gash in the Sheer Talent backdrop.
You see that thing? It looked like a human head went through it during some frantic acro jazz flip gone awry at the last competition. Sheer Talent keeping it klassy with a giant bandaid and some pink paint. That’s how they do.
Sorry. Not even close, folks. So not cool. Especially since it was right down there where all the kids were crawling and flipping and flopping all day.
Side note: I’m pretty sure that if they can give Jill Vertes 23 different hairdos in one episode, somebody could have pixelated out that eye sore in post-production.
Kalani’s ‘Reign’ choreography fit her perfectly. Plus she looked like one of the ladies you always see on a deck of cards in Vegas, so bravo. Mackenzie performed to ‘SuperStar’ in an attempt to get her to stop dancing “so little” even though somebody gave her more kindergarten hair again. One step forward. Two pigtails back.
National Kendall Week continued with a ‘Welcome To My Life’ introspective routine that Jill wasn’t loving from the second it hit the stage, mostly thanks to Abby’s lack of support. Nia Sioux had much better luck with her ‘House of Voodoo’ performance, thanks in part to a crazy good costume and Skeletor makeup. And mad talent, of course.
Maddie was head to toe gold spray paint during her ‘Golden Girl’ dance, which was ok I guess, though I had hoped for more of an homage to Sophia, Blanche, Rose and Dorothy.
And then some kids won some stuff. And right before Nationals, too.
MackZ took First Place and then finally took out those stupid pigtails. Kendall snagged Third, Maddie came in First, Nia scored Second (…which was huuuuuge according to Mom…) and Kalani was back on top with First Place.
I probably forgot to mention that there were 27 different age categories, which is why none of that scoring probably made any sense. My bad.
Maddie did manage to get Abby on her cellphone at some point after the awards were handed out, but it was pretty insignificant so I can’t remember much of what they said. Abby sounded all messy, tho.
And then the Moms fought some more.
Nothing compared to last week, because everyone kept their tops on. But Jill still got mad at Holly for taking advantage of opportunities.
Which made Holly get all like…
…again.
And then it was Jill’s turn to say “I’m Done!” before heading out the door with two roly poly suitcases that kept tipping over. Five seasons later and I swear that slapstick routine never gets old. Wheelie luggage is just not meant for dramatic exits.
And that’s all I got for this week. It’s over.
I think we drag (…queened…) this one out as long as we could.
So just go now, please.
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