I just ripped this out of a little girl’s head. You seriously don’t think I won’t come for you next, lady?
Violence is never really the answer. Except for when shoes go on final markdown at Saks. Then it’s on, bitch.
Oh. And then this totally happened.
I’m pretty sure I remember seeing something in the contract about not throwing a beat down on the owner.
Describe that crazy hair? Really? Just watch the damn show, dude. It’s on like 50 times a week.
And THAT is why I got my new hair UP. Nobody’s grabbing any of my stuff. This s*** ain’t even paid for yet, mmkay?
Don’t even tell me I’m being carjacked by a freakin’ Dance Mom. Really?
Sorry, kids.
No witty banter and clever intro.
The shizzle got Real in the Dance Moms hizzle this week and there’s way too much too much meaty goodness to digest to waste time casually segueing into the latest episode.
It all went down in New York City this week. Just like TMZ said it did.
They were right back when they said Justin Bieber was a douchebag.
And they were right when they said it was ALDC Madness in Manhattan.
We got to see the strength of the human spirit during a crisis. How some step up and take charge like a Boss. How some freeze in their tracks like a Saturday morning cartoon.
And how some just continue to put on mascara like it’s another day at the office.
Yeah. Loads to cover. Get a snack. It’s super long.
So blah blah blah. Pyramid.
As everyone bounced into the studio for the weekly Pyramid of Shame, Fake Chloe #2 and her facially rejuvenated Mom Kim were clearly MIA. Already.
That didn’t last very long now, did it? One competition under their belt and they were gone before noon checkout at the Ramada. Thanks for playing, tho.
I tried to act really surprised, but it came across more like Kim’s face. So not so much.
Before the Big Reveal (…lemme guess…Maddie, maybe?…) Abby announced that instead of bringing one or two new stragglers into the mix, she had decided to create an entirely new Junior Elite Competition Team after completing this week’s final Open Call Auditions in Noo Yawk Citaay.
Say whaaa—? A whole new team?
There were some eye rolls, jaw drops and the music they play on Survivor right before someone eats a jungle bug. And then the bottom row.
Kendall, Nia, Mackenzie and Real Chloe were all in the basement.
There was some discussion about issues with last week’s duet and some other sumthin sumthin, but all that really mattered was that Holly was rockin’ an extremely fresh, tight & right new Asia Monet Ray hair bun during one of those on-camera interview bits where they show her name and then she makes a funny HollyFace.
It’s been four years. I think we know all the Moms’ names by now, thank you.
The Pyramid Mezzanine section was filled with nothing but Hylands as far as the eye could see. Paige. And Brooke. And Brooke’s All That Jazz chair.
I’m trying to decide at what age people should stop asking a young girl to do more elaborate chair dance straddles. Is there a rule? I think 15 years old is still ok, but somewhere between 16 and Freshman Orientation at Pittsburgh U is when you should probably hope she grows out of it and gets a real job at the mall to help pay the bills.
Maybe that’s just me. But for now, Abby wanted more and she wasn’t getting it.
She was getting more than enough attitude from Mom Kelly early on, though. You just stay tuned for a few more minutes.
Top row of the Pyramid was Maddie. I attempted another unsuccessful KimFace and then we all got the rundown on this week’s itinerary.
Paige and Brooke scored solos. Paige and Chloe scored a duet. Paige would also be participating in the group routine. And then, to guarantee Paige a better chance at blacking out from complete exhaustion, the Hyland posse was also invited to New York City a day early to help assist with the Open Call Auditions.
Along with Chloe and Christi of course, because when those two on again/off again BFF Moms aren’t punching each other in the throat they always come as a matched set.
Somebody else in the room did some quick math and realized that Abby had left out four of the kids from the Sheer Talent Competition checklist, but it was a false alarm.
The remaining girls would all be staying local for an extra day or two and participating in the NUVO Dance Convention right there in Pittsburgh.
That’s how you spell it. I checked. Be careful, tho, because the first time I Googled it I spelled it wrong and ended up on a birth control website and now I think I have at least two of the side effects from not reading the directions on the box first.
As the Moms all hit the MomPerch to have the same conversation they had last week, the rehearsal studio was rushed by two former AUDC finalists and then some serious cross-promotional pandemonium broke out.
Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition in the house, yo!
Kalani Hilliker and McKaylee True dropped down through the air ducts or broke through the plate glass window or something. I don’t know how they got in. But they got in. And once they got past security they came stampeding into the room like the some Radio Disney boys were hiding under Abby’s Lane Bryant tunic.
For those of you with short term memory issues, Kalani was Abby’s favorite during last season’s AUDC run and McKaylee was the one with the Mom who wouldn’t shut up about being from Nebraska.
Turns out that Kalani would be doing a solo with Maddie at the upcoming NUVO Convention, so she was already in town. They kind of skimmed over how McKaylee ended up in Pittsburgh, but she’s from Nebraska. So there’s that.
The next day, all the Moms were back upstairs doing some kind of assembly line tailoring on matching pink costumes. I still haven’t quite figured out why one week they get these fancy special order FedEx costumes for every dance and then the next week they’re all back up in the MomPerch weaving fabric on a loom so their kids don’t go on stage with sequins hot glued to their underwear.
I dunno.
During rehearsals, Paige was already filled with self-doubt and Brooke was missing one leg of her Purple Rain lace unitard. And you don’t even want to get me started on Abby’s spray tan in that scene.
Seriously. You don’t.
It was like that episode of Jersey Shore when Future Snooki came back to Seaside Heights and told Present Day Snooki to lay off the macaroons.
GTL in moderation. Write it down somewhere so you don’t forget.
McKaylee’s from Nebraska, by the way. Did we already cover that?
Then it was off to the Big Apple. For Open Auditions. And complete hysteria.
I’ve never seen so many screaming kids in onesie leotards in my life. That had to have been way above New York State fire code. Not to mention the rules regarding decibel limits for heavy metal concerts and construction demolition.
Seriously. If I was working the Sheraton front desk and saw all those BunHeads piling out of a Greyhound I would have just left the room keys on the counter, turned in my name tag and hit the bar before they cut off my employee discount.
As you’ll recall, last time when Holly and Melissa accompanied Abby to Open Auditions, they got a swanky bake sale table and the Ziegler Zombies led the crowd in the group rehearsals. This time around: No table. No rehearsals. And the girls were even stripped of their ALDC logo tops.
It was right about now that someone plugged in the Kelly Keurig Coffee Maker and it started to percolate. Is it getting hot in here?
One of the wannabe Moms mouthed off to Abby a little and talked some smack about Chloe, but it was nothing compared to the whack jobs in Atlanta so we can move on to the good stuff.
Like Showtime! And Throw Down Time!
Sidenote: Please tell me you saw Mackenzie stop dead in her tracks and look back at some boys in the hallway when they arrived at the venue. Oh Oh Spagetti-Os. Better keep an eye on that one, Melissa.
Paige and Brooke’s solos went just fine. But if we’re being completely honest, I can’t stand upside down on my neck with my legs split open like I’m uncorking a wine bottle with my head, so I don’t really know if Brooke nailed the form or not.
But from the couch it looked pretty good.
Throughout both performances, Abby trash talked the Hyland girls before sneaking off to meet Melissa in some hidden underground passageway where she spilled the beans that Kalani and Maddie’s NUVO duet might be making a surprise return in front of the judges.
Then all the Moms were in the freight elevator. They spent a lot of time in the bowels of that building this week trying to figure out if Melissa knew whether or not the duet was happening. And whether or not it would be judged and scored. And whether or not Mom and Maddie were lying about any prior knowledge.
Let’s be honest. Seeing Jill just hanging out inside a freight elevator in stilettos was worth the price of admission. It was like she was breaking into a Neiman Marcus through the loading dock or something.
The drama was intensifying. So this calls for the Cliff Notes version of the recap:
Chloe asked Maddie if she was doing the duet. Maddie said No. And then they performed the duet. Which is the opposite of No.
Back in the makeup room, the confrontation got ugly. Maddie lied. No she didn’t. Yes she did. Mom flat out asked her if she lied. No, I didn’t lie. I was talking about the NUVO duet. Chloe and Maddie aren’t friends anymore. Yes you are, honey. Apparently we’re not. Why can’t someone invent lipstick that doesn’t get on your teeth?
Out of the blue, Abby then paraded in Kalani’s Mom Kira, who was still all half Cher and half Fake Kristie Ray just like back in her AUDC Days. Not too much of an awkward moment there.
It was hard to tell how much Kira really knew about what was going on since she probably hadn’t even unpacked her stuff yet. So we’ll cut her a little slack on this one since she looked a little dazed.
After Abby compared Brooke’s wonky chair dance to Kalani’s offer to hit the stage and improv a solo like a rockstar, the rest of the room all watched Kelly start to unravel.
Except for Nia. Did you see her way in the back just putting on eye makeup like it was Picture Day at school? I love that kid. If TMZ is showing up, Hellz to the Yeah I’m gonna have my two coats of Maybelline on. The camera don’t lie.
Plus, don’t forget that it’s the International Year of the Nia.
But back to Brooke. Mom? Any thoughts? Well, maybe you should replace her. Kira was trying to figure out wassup with this crazy bitch. Abby was sitting there going See…See how she talks?
Kalani…are you in the group number? I don’t think so. Do you even want to dance, Brooke? Answer me.
And then it happened.
Brooke sat there in dead silence wondering what happened to her phone while Abby tried to get a response out of her. I just want your mother to stop talking for you.
Abby: You’re 15 years old. Grow the hell up.
Kelly: Why don’t you shut the hell up?
It should probably be noted that throughout the entire screaming match Kelly was waving around one of those little Toddlers & Tiaras wiglets that made it look like she had just snatched somebody’s weave in a Target parking lot. Just needed to be said.
Everybody got in everybody’s face. Abby pointed. Kelly pointed. Abby tried to bite off Kelly’s finger like a State Fair corn dog. Kelly pushed her finger into Abby’s cheek.
Wait for it.
Kelly slapped Abby.
Hard. Not like on the Spanish channel telenovelas. I mean a real chick fight one. That you could hear over all the screaming. And then Kelly lost her nutty and yanked Abby’s Lisa Marie Presley poof like she was trying to throw her to the ground in the middle of a WWE ring.
I know, right? Whoa.
And then…chaos.
Luckily, Dr. Beyoncé was there and went into Flight Attendant Mode as soon as Kelly cracked Abby’s skull. Girls! Out of the room! Girls! Out of the room! Girls! Out of the room! Girls! Out of the room! Girls! Out of the room! Girls! Out of the room! Girls!
She literally said it 4200 times. I counted.
It actually sounds cooler if you sing it to the tune of the Beyoncé We Run The World song. If they ever do a Dance Moms musical, I thought of it first.
Holly was pointing to the exits at the front and rear of the plane. Oxygen masks were deploying from the ceiling. The room tipped right and then left. A rogue snack cart went rolling down the aisle. Jill even put her head between her knees and covered her body with a Louis Vuitton pillow. Melissa sent out a couple of texts.
Christi, on the other hand, just stood there motionless like she couldn’t remember where she had parked the car on Black Friday. Not sure what that was all about.
Call the cops! Assault! 500 pound hog! More crying kids. Holly all large and In Charge.
(Except for when she pushed Abby out of the way and ran out of the room ahead of her. Please tell me you caught that. Sistah ain’t no fool when the building’s on fire.)
All the Moms and kids huddled up in another one of the hidden catacomb rooms under the auditorium and shut the door in my face. How rude. I think the Phantom of the Opera guy even ran by in the background, but it was so fast I couldn’t be certain and the camera would never be able to find him with all those secret hallways.
Emotional scars and parental role modeling aside…what I really need to know is who was driving the getaway car?
Holly clearly has a Hall Monitor or two from her educational days working on the inside now, because she knew the cops were on their way before Abby even finished explaining to the 911 guy how Kelly gets her hair to look like that every day.
You can’t even make this stuff up.
You need to go now. Go now. Just go. Trust me. Go. Through the back door and down this alley. Hide in a dumpster until you hear two knocks. Ditch your ID and you’re safe.
I don’t know what was going on, but some black SUV with no license plates suddenly squealed through the parking lot and Hyland & Co were gone before the Po Po even made it out of the station. It was over. Nothing to see here, people.
Oh, shoot. Except we still had one more dance to perform.
The girls reblocked the group number. And came in First Place.
Paige was no longer in the country, but her routine won 5th Place and Mackenzie stole her trophy right out of the MC’s hands. Check the DVR. She totally did and it was awesome.
Then some other kids won some other stuff. But it really didn’t matter at this point.
The damage was done.
Dance Girls. Dance Girls. Whatcha gonna do?
Next week: The Fallout.