I said Who Run The World? Vertes Girls.
Where did I park? This isn’t even my damn car! I swear LA is worse than the Mall at Christmas.
I’ll gladly snap off Abby’s arms if she wants to see how hard it is to dance without jazz hands.
Sweetie, Imma need you to get yo’ Mama under control or I swear she’s going in Time Out right now.
When he said I was too tall to be in the video and to stop whipping my hair, it hurt my feelings.
I feel just like one of the Kardashians. Except with talent. And natural beauty. And a job. #SIYOL
That was like really good. They totally get a unicorn sticker with a smiley face. And some glitter.
Attention.
Ladies and Gentlemen, start your chopper engines.
And plug in your fog machine and marquee nameplate while you’re at it.
Because it’s the Battle of the Pop Stars: Video Edition. And it starts right now.
As Abby Lee Miller and the Dance Moms crew got ready to say goodbye to Hollywood for a second time, they made sure to pack the final week with enough shocking plot twists and MTV-inspired Mama Drama to keep everybody on their pointed toes. Video might not kill the ALDC stars, but it’s definitely going to take awhile for the bruises to heal.
The party started right out of the TSA security gate this week inside a super massive airplane hangar filled with enough MMC (…MilitaryManCandy…) to keep even Abby off her iPhone for a few hours.
Atten-hut! It was the filming of Kendall‘s “Wear Em Out” music video.
Part Vertes/Andrew Sisters doo wop, part Dance Dance Revolution for Xbox 360, Kendall and her girls busted their moves all over the place while a platoon of soldier boyz did their thang in the background. Marching in formation, doing morning calisthenics and getting Poland Springs water thrown in their face by Abby, the troops somehow managed to keep it together as KendallK (…like MackZ, but with a ‘K‘…) unleashed her upcoming single in front of the cameras.
Or at least most of them kept it together. Check out Left Shark here doing the wimpiest half-a**d jumping jack ever when Sergeant PrettyGirl walks by:
I don’t really know how many Vertes Sisters there are, because every time you turn around it seems like there’s another one on Instagram going to Prom or CheerCamp or something. But they’re all pretty, because they take after my MomCrush Jill. And it’s not creepy at all that I know they’re on Instagram and have boyfriends.
And check out Right Shark here looking all nervous that his Mom is gonna find out he skipped school for the video shoot and see Abby Lee Miller rubbing his belly like she’s making some dirty wish on a Buddha statue:
There was also a dog on set for some reason that kept showing up on social media.
And speaking of Social Media. Hold that thought until we’re done the Pyramid of Shame.
Shocking Plot Twist #1: The Pyramid wasn’t a Pyramid. It was just a stack of photos, two in each row. I know, right? Crazy pants.
JoJo and MackZ (…I think she might just be plain Mackenzie again right now…) were on the bottom. Nia and Kalani were in the middle. And then Kendall and Maddie were on the top. So it was pretty much still a Pyramid, but just not in a triangle shape. It was also kinda sorta implied that each level was a tie, but I didn’t think Abby allowed anyone to be tied with Maddie so I might have to refer to the judges for a decision.
Shocking Plot Twist #2: Who. Were. Kids.
Seriously. The judges at this week’s Dance Kids USA competition were going to be children. Which must have made my new girlfriend Rachelle Rak throw something at her television when that was announced, because how can one week be judged by The Sas and then the next week be judged by three girls who probably still wear retainers to bed?
It’s like we’re living in a world with no rules now. The Dance Apocalypse is upon us.
Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference: Maddie was going to perform at The Grammys this year. Polite applause all around.
Hopefully Melissa still has that lawyer on speed dial from a few years ago (…when she was going to sue all the Original Recipe Moms for talking smack about her Boo…I mean, Boss…) because I think Sia adopted Maddie when nobody was paying attention.
And I’m not jealous at all. I just want to be Maddie, that’s all.
JoJo and Kendall scored solos. JoJo was going to be strapped inside a straight jacket and try to dance her way out of it like a spunky Houdini, while Kendall needed to learn how to fling around whatever those big sticks are called that drum majors use when they lead the band at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
The group routine, entitled ‘Platinum,’ was a choreographed interpretation of record albums going platinum on the Billboard charts and would allow the girls to wear hats made out of leftover CDs since nobody buys CDs anymore.
Side note: Every word out of Abby’s mouth this week came with an implied dig at Nia.
You can insert them wherever you’d like, because that woman was relentless when it came to creating competition between Kendall and Nia’s videos.
Abby was still mad that Holly (…allegedly…) went behind her back and took charge of Nia’s blossoming music career. Holly was still mad that Jill was trying to turn the whole thing into a competition between the girls. Jill was still mad that Holly was trying to turn the whole thing into a competition between the girls.
I was still mad that Holly has Aubrey O’Day on speed dial and won’t give me the number.
I swear. Everyone was mad about something.
Side note: For a moment it almost felt like I missed an episode somewhere. All of the sudden, Jill and Abby were BFFs (…remember when my MomCrush was still a Studio Hopping Cowboy Hat Wearing Blah Blah Blah?…) and Jessalynn and Kira‘s pinky swear pact to support Holly had somehow been rendered null and void since last week.
Is it just me? Did I miss something?
As the girls rehearsed and the Moms chillaxed by the closed circuit SpyCam, Jill complained that Holly was doing nothing but name dropping every time she casually mentioned how excited she was for Nia’s upcoming video shoot.
Don’t shove it in my face, woman.
Let’s be honest here. If Janet Jackson‘s makeup person was applying my chapstick for me, I would freakin’ put it on a t-shirt. And a billboard. And even the butt of my sweats like they do at Victoria’s Secret and then back dat thang all the way up Main Street.
(Maybe not the part about Kim Kardashian‘s hair stylist doing my hair. Because, you know…Kim Kardashian. I’d stick with the Katy Perry spin on that one.)
But the other part? Fo’ sho.
Side note: When Nia asked Abby if she would be able to come to her video shoot, she was so mature and level headed when Abby tried to punch her in the throat. We could all learn a little something about keeping your s*** together from that girl.
Holly and I both agreed that we would have lost our nutty on the spot, but Nia kept it together and politely agreed to disagree with Abby on the whole MattyBgate scandal.
And the Aubreygate scandal. And the Momager/Managergate scandal. And the TodrickHallgate scandal. And the YouSoldOutgate scandal.
Apparently there are a lot of unresolved issues here.
But all that would have to wait. Because it was time for Nia’s video shoot!
Which was Off. The. Hook.
You know how in soap operas when sometimes a little kid will go upstairs after dinner and then come down the next morning about 10 years older played by a totally different actor because they needed to speed up the storyline for May sweeps? It was just like that.
Now you know I don’t like to play favorites, because all these girls are redoinkulously talented and deserve all the success and opportunities that this show has given them over the last five years. But you also know that Nia’s my girl.
And now she’s all grown up and I’m a little emotional.
Srsly. When they slapped that weave on her head I was all like LaQuifaWhaaa—? and probably had the same face that Mackenzie has in that picture with Maddie up there. The only way I can explain it is that somehow the Janet makeup brush must have still had Jackson DNA on it, because all of the sudden Miss Nia was legit FIERCE.
She popped it and locked it and bounced it and So You Think You Can Dance‘d it like a seasoned pro. There was so much visual stimulation going on that Holly and I were both told to take a seat or risk being removed from the set.
Memo to choreographer Mikey Minden: You might want to bring along JoJo’s straight jacket for the next shoot, because Mama was going off like she had just won a Dance Moms Meet & Greet or something. Ma’am, we’re gonna need you to simmer down or go to the back of the line to catch your breath.
Check out Nia werkin’ it like I do when I try on last year’s summer clothes and they still fit:
Aubrey even showed up wearing lipstick that was way too dark for that early in the day with a ginormous congratulatory floral arrangement. FYI: She hated Abby now. And wanted to check her. Like Shereè O’Day from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Who gon’ check me, Boo? (A pointless reference if you don’t watch the show.)
I’m not even getting into how Fabulous Mikey Minden was this time around, because if you don’t already know that Mikey Minden is Fabulous, I just need you to stop reading this right now and walk away from your computer before somebody gets hurt.
Fab. U. Lous. Fist Pump. Sparkle Fingers.
Back at the temporary ALDC studio, Melissa showed Abby all the social media postings that Holly had been sending out during Nia’s video shoot.
Side note: Melissa probably wouldn’t have had to hold the phone so close to Abby’s face if she’d stop refusing to wear her readers while the cameras are rolling. As much as Abby drives me crazy sometimes, I was sincerely concerned that all the bling from Melissa’s phone could possibly blind her if the sunlight caught it at just the right angle.
And then it slowly started to go downhill from here.
Abby didn’t approve of the new and improved Nia Sioux. Or the tweet from Aubrey stating that Miss Frazier If You’re Nasty was gonna kill any other Dance Moms video in the history of Dance Moms videos. Kill it.
The next day, everything completely unraveled when Abby took everyone to see the new ALDC LA space she had just rented. As she took the girls inside to check out their new West Coast crib, she left all the Moms outside.
Alone.
Which is never a good idea anymore.
Jill and Holly went at it.
Holly couldn’t understand why none of the Moms were willing to celebrate Nia’s success for one day. Just one day, people. She’s been supporting all the girls since way back when Brooke was still getting cake in the face on Date Night, so it didn’t really seem like an unreasonable request to me.
As always, since you know I hate confrontations, we’re skimming over most of the street fight. You can debate who was right and who was wrong in the chat rooms or in the comment section down below. I don’t like when people fight.
Jill got mad and claimed that Holly clearly went over the posted internet limit for video shoot postings, which I didn’t know even existed out there on the world wide web. Holly yelled. Jill yelled. They both talked with their hands a lot while the other Moms casually drifted in and out of both sides of the argument.
And then the whole thing just turned into a sloppy Mom on Mom pig pile. Abby even came outside and made things worse by stating that there was a lot of content in Nia’s video that she didn’t care for and pushed every one of Holly’s buttons she could reach. Here we go.
Side note: If we’re looking to find any humor in such a sad situation, Holly reminded me of myself in high school when I used to have fights outside the building while waiting for the bus to take me home. I’d yell and walk away and then think of something else to say and come back and then walk away and then come back with yet another zinger. I think I even had those Jordache jeans she was wearing with the big pocket stitching.
I swear, if they had Fitbits back in the good ol’ days I could have burned off my 10,000 daily steps just fighting over who said what at the the last cafetorium dance. Dump me because I’m too short? Really? Well, I’m still short and you’re still a bitch.
Wait. What?
Holly wanted to know how silver body paint was any worse than a nude body suit.
OhNoSheDin’t. A Sia jab?
Boom. Slam-dunk. Nothing but net.
But it was sad. And Holly cried in somebody’s car, which made me sad. She wanted to share the joy with her friends, but they were Abby’s friends now I guess.
Whoever let her sit in their car was a nice person, tho. So she has at least one friend.
And that’s a good thing, right? I don’t like it when my Moms fight. Especially when there’s a whole underlying life lesson to be learned about support systems and a Mother’s love and friendships and standing up for your beliefs and values.
Let’s face it. I’m not big on grown up stuff.
Finally…thankfully…it was Showtime!
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: That was the biggest butterfly blouse I’ve ever seen.
We love Jill. Period. End of sentence.
JoJo’s solo was sufficiently crazy, but unfortunately did not even place in the competition. When her arms finally came out of the straight jacket, it was like she trying to scale the walls of the ALDC Asylum and get the heck out of Dodge. I feel your pain sometimes.
I believe that JoJo is contractually obligated to only wear her side pony on the left.
Kendall’s solo was sufficiently Macy’s, but only scored Fifth Place. Abby told her backstage that if she cried she would have to do 100 push ups, most likely with her mother on her back the way things were going this week. Later in the afternoon when JoJo cried she didn’t have to do push ups, unless they just didn’t show them on television.
Side note: Was this event held in a prison? Did you see those lockers and that hallway?
The group routine reminded me of choreography that Chloe should have danced for some reason. Not sure why. But it made me miss her. Hey, Chloebird. Sup?
Side note again: During the group routine a little balloon popped up in the bottom left corner of my screen that said “Follow Lifetime on Instagram for more hairstyle pics.”
Let me get right on that.
Luckily, the ALDC group dance took First Place, which was the trophy Abby wanted the most. The rest of the chaos didn’t really matter now, since they were heading back to Pittsburgh in the morning, though I did notice my girl Nia run to that back curtain wall at a pretty good clip. I’m assuming it was for bagels.
Because that’s where they keep them, remember? The More You Know, kids.
And then it was over.
The music videos were off somewhere in post-production and the Moms were a divided mess. Hopefully they can fix that asap because it’s giving me anxiety.
Throughout all the drama, somehow, the girls were still supported by their Moms, each other and their fan base.
Nia Nation and Kendall Kingdom (…I just made that up…) rallied behind their faves and sent them internet huggies all night. Friends and Family are important. And not just for the 25% discount at Lord & Taylor twice a year.
Oh.
I almost forgot.
The judges. They had glitter cups, Britney headsets and booster seats. It was awesome.
Only in Hollywood, I guess.
Pittsburgh…we’re coming home.
#StarInYourOwnLife
#WearEmOut