You got about two seconds to get that hand off m’weave before the s*** starts getting real in here.
If she don’t put me in that video I swear I’ll snap the heads off all her Barbies when I get home.
Mack Baby Z is in the hizzle, yo. It’s gonna be dope. And I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Put on your biggest Kardashian hair and pucker up those Instagram lips. It’s time for a Girl Party!
Not trying to throw my education in yo’ face, but it doesn’t take a damn PhD to count six costumes.
I know you see me back here watching you. I’m watching you so hard, Gurl.
The hellz this s***?
Grab your Capezio bag and a box of Kleenex, kids.
It’s time to dance your face off. And cry your eyes out.
Dance Moms was a downer this week. A big ol’ downer.
No other way to describe it, as the show dealt with family responsibility, growing old, illness and the impending passing of Abby‘s Mom Maryen Lorraine Miller .
Basically all the grown up stuff that I try to avoid at all costs. If you’ve been hanging around here for any time at all then you already know that I’ll do anything to avoid having an adult conversation. And this week was no different. But if we all stick together, support each other and make fun of a few people, I know we can get through this.
There was definitely more crying and less screaming this week as everyone tried to come to terms with the inevitable. A lot of crying, actually. Little kids crying. Big kids crying. Moms crying. Even some group crying thrown in there to make sure we all went to bed in a really bad mood on a school night.
Grab Your Kleenex Moments, as they say.
If that’s not your thing, I’ll do my best to warn you ahead of time if anything mopey is about to go down. That way you can either skim over it like nothing bad ever happens in real life, or save it for when you’re all alone and nobody can see you ugly cry.
Coming off twelve straight wins in a row, the ALDC Team was already sniffing out #13. A dozen wins later and they still hadn’t run out of steam. Just rhymes.
Gone were the ‘Eleven is Heaven’ and ‘Twelve on the Shelve(s)’ chants. Now it was just Lucky Thirteen, like they weren’t even trying to be clever anymore. Just win the damn thing, already. We’re dancers, not poets.
As everyone scooted in for the Pyramid of Shame, it was clear that Abby was going to be an emotionally overbooked hot mess this week.
Not only was her Mom sick, but she was also dealing with the upcoming auditions for Mackenzie‘s Girl Party music video and a studio floor that was completely cluttered with gigantic rolls of seamless green paper and camera equipment, thanks to an in-progress photo shoot for MackZ’s new gangster rap CD and puffy paint sticker collection.
Not to mention another competition.
You don’t just get handed the Lucky Thirteen. Der.
Needless to say, you could already tell what tracks this runaway train was headed down as everyone rolled into the building.
Bottom row of the Pyramid was everyone except Kalani. Boom. Done.
Every girl had done exactly what they were supposed to do in last week’s group competition, even when they couldn’t hear the music from the stage, so Abby just lined ‘em all up and kept it moving. Kalani had snagged the top overall score in Ohio, so she was the week’s top dancer.
Rules are still rules even when you change the shape of the Pyramid.
Sidenote: The OCD part of me can’t stand how some of the girls head shots are real head shots, while some of them are half body shots. Consistency, people. Drives me nuts.
First Grab Your Kleenex Moment: I think Melissa cut her own bangs. That wasn’t the saddest part, but I did get a little emotional during her solo confessional spot.
The sad part was actually when Abby gave an update on her Mom’s condition. Melissa talked about Maryen and how much she meant to everyone at the ALDC.
Abby cried. The kids cried. Melissa bawled. And then Abby motioned for one girl at a time to come forward for a hug. Just one. Like when the Pope pulls you from the crowd on Easter Sunday. No disrespect to the Pope or to the Abby. I just get uncomfortable when things get too sad and make Pope jokes.
This week, after months of threats and open casting call auditions, Abby would finally be deciding on her new team. A second ALDC Elite Team to send into battle and hog even more trophies from the folks over at Candy Apples.
Who would be on the new team? Who knows. Would the old team still be intact? Who knows. But all would be revealed as soon as the final round of cuts took place in Pittsburgh. So stay tuned.
Kendall and Nia both scored solos this week. Chloe and Kalani were handed a duet. And the whole team (…Spoiler Alert: Or not…) would be dancing in a Bollywood & Vine group number.
GYKM: After a few more hugs and tears (…Melissa was taking this harder than Abby was…) everyone got to rehearsing while the Moms hit the Perch for some dead silence and sad faces. This whole cloud of depression was really bringing down their mojo.
I felt especially bad for Kira, who was so new that she didn’t even know what to do with herself while the Original Recipe Moms reminisced about all their years at the ALDC. She looked at her nails a lot this week. I did notice that.
MoleGate. And that’s the last time I’m saying it. Don’t ask me again.
Nia and Kendall’s rehearsals were a little wobbly right out of the gate, but I had complete faith in both of them. Despite it being the Official Year of the Nia, my girl hasn’t had much luck with her solos this season, so it was really important that she nail her shoo bop a doo bop this week. And Kendall just needed to make it through one entire episode without crying. Which is totally doable, because she’s got the right stuff.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Pretty low key this week. Hair looked good. Nothing too outrageous going on in the wardrobe department. But don’t get too comfortable. I’ll bet you anything that she’s just laying low for a week or two before springing some signature crazy a** ostrich fur on us when our guard is down. Like she’s waiting in the fashion jungle for the perfect moment to shoot us in the neck with a dart when we’re not looking.
Love. Her.
Then it was time for some Mack Diddy Fo Shizzy Zig Ziggly in da house, yo.
Apparently Abby is the brains behind this whole Mackenzie music video concept that came out of nowhere a few weeks ago, because after shlepping MackZ to the recording studio to lay down some riffs, she was now running an audition for backup dancers.
Q. Do you like eating sugar straight out of the bag, kissing Cody Simpson posters and jumping up and down on Austin Mahone bedsheets during a sleepover?
A. Yes? Then do I have the audition for you, Miss Thang! Sign at the glitter ‘X,’ please.
Sitting behind one of those tables that block every grocery store exit during Girl Scout Cookie month, Abby and MackYoWhack put every girl who couldn’t get a ticket to the Kids’ Choice Awards through some backflips and age appropriate booty pops before deciding on a team of dancers. Chloe was cut. I think it was her height, because otherwise she werked it just fine. They played some mind games on Maddie before allowing her to participate and then finished up by adding a few random girls into the mix.
I’m thinking that Brooke Hyland is probably throwing herself off the roof of that Big Apple Tour bus right about now if she witnessed all the attention that Abby smothered over Mackenzie this week. I’m pretty sure I don’t recall this much TLC when Brooke wanted to break onto the iTunes charts. Wasn’t Brooke’s entire video shot with last year’s iPhone?
And you know Abby bought the bus tickets during a Groupon promo.
I do miss all that Hyland Hilarity.
Then it was back to the group dance. And more problems in the costume department.
Turns out that Abby was short one costume for the Bollywood routine. Five instead of Six. Which I didn’t understand at all, considering that there were only six kids in the whole ALDC team. The same six kids from last week when you had the same costume drama.
How hard can all this be to remember?
Due to the shortage, she ran everyone through the rehearsal one more time and then cut Nia. OhNoSheDin’t.
Holly was all like OhHellNo and I was all like YeahWhatSheSaid and then I realized that I forgot to put the link to Dr. Beyoncé’s new book in the recap last week. And if you don’t buy the book, then they won’t make the movie. And I’ve already picked out what I’m going to wear during my walk-on cameo…so let’s go, people. Chop Chop.
But what I really don’t get with the whole CostumeGate thing (…let’s see how long I can milk this trend before I lose readers…) is how Abby can order a complete size range of outfits but then randomly cut a dancer. I mean, what is she had cut Mackenzie instead?
Would Nia end up on stage wearing a costume made for a tiny 9 year old girl? How does she keep messing up the counts? And while she’s online, why doesn’t she just order a damn calculator from Staples? Geez, Louise.
GYKM: This one was too sad to even make jokes about. I already crossed the line last time when I picked on that stuffed dog, so I’ll just take a pass on Melissa’s visit to the Sterling House if that’s ok. It was heartbreaking to see Abby and Melissa crying in the hallway after catching a glimpse of the dark room where Maryen was spending her last days. Nobody wants to see anyone suffer.
Back at the ALDC, Gianna was large and in charge this week, getting the girls ready for their Dance USA competition in Ohio. The only thing larger was a gigantic Pinterest board that had mysteriously shown up in the middle of the studio. If Pinterest had a Messed Up Mind Game category, that is.
The board was tacked full of the old Team’s photos across the bottom and a bunch of new faces all slapped haphazardly across the top. Subliminal much?
Needless to say, the Moms were not big fans of Abby psyching out her Dream Team from the other side of town. Even the girls were all like WTF? as they rushed the board the same way everyone on Glee used run to the wall when the leads in the Spring musical were announced.
MackZ sez that shiz is whacked fo’ shizzle. Let’s just have a Girl Party instead!
Finally, it was Showtime!
GYKM: The bus ride to Ohio when the girls each took a second to remember their favorite Maryen Moment. Ruined only by Abby on the other end of Gia’s phone making it clear that she didn’t need the girl’s love….she need their win. So there’s that, I guess.
The duet was like looking in a mirror. OMG. Chloe and Kalani were totes twinsies.
Kendall’s solo was on point. I’m pretty sure that she was wearing Mom’s pleather pants.
Nia gave Face for days when she hit the stage. We don’t need no stinkin’ group number, mmmkay? I’m thinking that Sasha Nia is back, bitches.
GYKM: Holly’s backstage prayer circle.
As everyone scrambled to drop their buns lower (…a joke right now would be way too easy even for me…) it was clear that Nia not only gets all her sass from her Mama but all her faces, as well.
Clearly, she was not happy that she couldn’t be in the group routine and some of Nia’s soon-to-be patented FrazierSideEyes gave me life. I’m totally stealing that one look she gave Kalani and Chloe the next time I’m stuck in a long line at the DMV.
Scroll up and enjoy it one more time, if you’d like. I’ll wait.
The group dance brought the house down. And it looked pretty legit, even though the only frame of reference I really have is that first year they did Bollywood on So You Think You Can Dance and the Pussycat Dolls‘ Slumdog video.
I’m also going to assume that the night before competition the Moms all went out for shots and got henna tattoos, because that totally happened. I think all that intricate body art is really cool until it starts wearing off and then you end up just looking like you forgot to wear gloves when you refinished your dining room chairs over the weekend. They need to figure out a better way for it to fade out. Just saying.
Speaking of the Pussycat Dolls. The Moms all busted out some redoinkulous MomDancing prior to the Awards ceremony. Please let their be a blooper reel when the Season 4 DVD comes out. I don’t ask for much anymore.
Results? Nia took Third. Kendall took Second. The duet pulled First Place. And the group routine gave them all the Lucky Thirteen they had been dreaming about all week.
Even with all the tears, it was a big success.
And over.
Time to gather all those wads of kleenex up off the floor and call it a night. Don’t worry…next week doesn’t look nearly as gloomy. So pull it together.
The preview even showed some screaming, a couple of swear words and MackJackKnife cutting a bitch during the taping of her sleepover video. I think we’re back in business next time.
So now it’s just the final GYKM of the week: Saying goodbye to all of you.
Kisses.