Confessions of an Expat: How to Talk Dirty to Any Traveler
It’s funny what turns you on as a kid, and even funnier to to see how that changes over time as you grow up. What once might have got me all excited and giggly as a kid just doesn’t do it for me anymore. No matter how much root beer I find when I open the fridge, I won’t share the same excitement I would have at the age of 11 and no friend telling me their parents are gone for the weekend is going to have the same effect it did on me in high school. And so it goes, from year to year what excites us changes and what turns us on and off does as well. One thing will always stay the same however, we all still get turned on and if you want to talk dirty to any traveler, here is how to do it.
1) ”We have free wifi” – Like hearing your friend stole a six pack from their parents basement, being told you are somewhere with free wifi just makes the day or night a bit better. In this day and age it really isn’t cool to not offer free wifi, but some places still try to charge for it. A 24 hour wifi code will run you $20 at some high hotels and don’t even try to get wifi on a cruise or you’ll be paying the better part of $30 an hour. So while free wifi might not be as exciting as a warm can of beer in middle school, it sure is exciting and way more productive – unless you use the money you save to buy a round.
“While not as exciting as paying a visit to Pacific Sunwear or Abercrombie and Fitch to buy new clothes in high school, the only thing that matters while traveling is finding a way to keep the clothes you do have clean…”
2) “You can use my car” – There is no better feeling then when you board that plane for a far off land and leave your car behind, or better yet have sold your car altogether. However, just like having access to your Mom’s mini van in high school for that hot date, having a friend on the road with a car is super awesome and nothing to be taken for granted. Have you ever tried getting from LAX to Pasadena using public transportation? I didn’t think so, which is exactly why having a friend with a car in most cities around the world is incredibly handy. A car was freedom in high school (plus one million cool points) and it is freedom today. So while you might not be needing a car these days to meet your friends in the park at 11pm and sketch out the whole neighborhood, having a car is better than taking three buses and walking two miles any day of the week.
3) “We have a washing machine” – Clean clothes are something we all take for granted when we are off the road, but as soon as we hit the road, having somewhere to clean your clothes is of upmost importance. While not as exciting as paying a visit to Pacific Sunwear or Abercrombie and Fitch to buy new clothes in high school, the only thing that matters while traveling is finding a way to keep the clothes you do have clean. Plus, even if you are washing your jeans and socks in the small sink of a shared bathroom in a hostel at least your pants earned the tattered and torn look through world exploration instead of spending $89.99 for a pair of pre-frayed shorts at A&F back in 1999.
4) “I’ve got an extra room you can crash in” – The equivalent to the girl you had a crush on in 9th grade telling you her Mom wasn’t coming up until later, telling any traveler you have an extra room will have the same effect. We all need a roof over our heads, and while some are happy to simply sleep in the middle of central park for the night (we’ll save that story for later), most enjoy the knowledge of knowing they have somewhere safe in preferably indoors to lay their heads at night. Offering an extra room, bed, couch or even floor to a traveler is just about as good as it gets – although, let’s face it, nothing beats someone’s parents not being home. And while it might not be as exciting as rounding first base and heading for second, nothing beats a free place to stay on the road – and who knows, some great relationships start on the road, so you might get waved home anyway.
5) **BONUS** “We’ve got hot water” – Anyone who travels a bit more off the beaten path will appreciate this one and what a hot shower can mean to someone slumming it through mountains of Northern Vietnam for a couple weeks. Taking a long overdue hot shower on the road is almost as good as an out of control pool party in high school. While it might lack the drinks, girls, laughs and shenanigans of a Friday night in 11th grade, you’re still having a party, a party for one. And anything is better than bathing in that bucket of cold rain water for the fifth night in a row.
So there you have it, the best ways to talk dirty to any traveler. It’s funny how most of us grew up with all of the things listed, yet probably never thought twice about taking a hot shower or using the family wifi. And while nothing beats the excitement of teenage trouble making, it’s the little things that matter most on the road. While I’ve been able to walk into a store and buy beer for almost a decade and all of my friends parents are always gone for the night because most of them live 500 miles away, it really is funny to see how things change over time. But in the end all that matters is that there are still things in our lives that turn us on and while it might have been going to see a PG-13 movie with that cute girl in high school, today I’m happy to say that a hot shower, a clean bed (or dirty couch) and free wifi is just fine and will keep me happy for a long time. So find what turns you on in life, go after it, chase it and never stop searching for that which excites you – unless its finding wifi to post a picture of your espresso on Instagram.