Keeping You a Secret by Julie Anne Peters (she/her) is one of the first sapphic books I ever read. While I can't remember exactly when I picked it up, my educated guess would be somewhere between high school and the beginning of college, probably before I ever even kissed a girl. This month, I decided to revisit my original copy of the book, cringeworthy highlighting and all. Lately, I've been feeling incredibly sentimental about the privilege of reading, in general, and having access to queer books, in particular. The nostalgia of Keeping You a Secret was just what I needed.
Keeping You a Secret follows Holland Jaeger, an overwhelmed high school senior just trying to survive her last semester. In addition to being the student council president and a member of the swim team, Holland's mother has insisted that she cram her courseload for her last semester so she can try to secure a scholarship for college. The only problem is that Holland doesn't know what college she wants to attend, if any, and she's having a hard time discerning where her mother's life ends and hers begins. Holland's mother became pregnant with Holland when she was in high school and had to drop out. As a result, she projects her hopes and dreams onto Holland without taking the time to understand who her daughter is and what she truly wants.
On the first day of her last semester of high school, Holland meets transfer student Cecilia "Cece" Goddard. Holland is immediately drawn to Cece, who is beautiful, funny, and unapologetically queer. However, Holland's attraction to Cece is confusing for her, especially since she has a boyfriend and has never considered she could be anything other than straight. As the semester unfolds, Holland's world is turned upside down as she grapples with not only her sexuality, but her overall sense of self. Who is she once she pushes past others' expectations of her?
While I deeply appreciate this book for being a beacon of sapphic representation for me as a young queer girl, as a young(ish) queer woman, it didn't resonate for me when I reread it. The unchecked homophobia and bullying at Holland's school felt unrealistic. The casual use of fatphobic comments without any exploration or reflection felt irresponsible. The failure to unpack unhealthy aspects of Holland and Cece's relationship felt like a missed opportunity. I recognize that the world was a different place in 2003 when Peters published Keeping You a Secret, but these issues made it difficult for me to fully immerse myself in the novel.
Notwithstanding my critiques, I found Keeping You a Secret to be heartwarming and well-written. I enjoyed watching Holland and Cece's relationship unfold and thought their banter was very convincing. I also appreciated how Peters crafted the evolution of Holland's relationship with her mother. For better or worse, it felt authentic and stood the test of time.
Keeping You a Secret has earned its place as a pioneer young adult sapphic novel and is definitely worth reading. If you do pick it up, I would caution you to remember it was written twenty-one years ago and to try and assess it through that lens.
When I looked up Peters, I was sad to learn that she passed away in 2023. She was a critically-acclaimed, award winning author of more than a dozen books for young adults and children. In addition to Keeping You a Secret, she also wrote other LGBT-themed books, including Luna, Between Mom and Jo, and Define "Normal".
Trigger warnings for homophobia, homophobic language, fatphobia, sexual assault, and physical violence.
Raquel R. Rivera (she/her/ella) is a Latina lawyer and lady lover from New Jersey. She is in a lifelong love affair with books and earned countless free personal pan pizzas from the Pizza Hut BOOK IT! program as a kid to prove it.