Imma gon’ have to ask you and your little monkey hat to back it up before I King Kong your a**.
Those bitches are crazy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to secure my hair and drop it like it’s hot.
Haters gonna hate, Baby. That’s why I had to break up Destiny’s Child and move to Jackson.
“Oh Lawd Jesus, it’s a pom pom!” Then I ran out on the gym floor…I didn’t grab no wigs or nothing.
How’z ’bout we let the ladies fight this one out? I just got my braids done.
Don’t try this at home, kids. Ever.
Dat s*** nasty.
Hold up.
What is dat?
You smell sumthin?
It kinda smells a little bit like…well…you know.
For now, just hold your nose…and hold that thought. I promise we’ll get back to it later.
Right now, let’s talk about how Bring It! brought it again this week. And brought it hard.
After spanking the Prancing Tigerettes at last week’s competition, Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were already back at the Dollhouse preparing for another battle.
This week the gang would be headed to Memphis. Again.
I’m not sure if that’s the only city the bus driver has figured out how to load into his GPS or if there’s some other reason why they keep crossing the Tennessee line every week, but they sure go there a lot.
Hosted by the Dazzling Glamorettes, this week’s competition would once again bring the Dolls face to face with the Divas of Olive Branch, the (…Spoiler Alert…) Divas of Olive Branch’s Naughty Bits and the Girls Who Wear Too Much Makeup At The Gym.
The Dolls would be presenting two routines. A Pom Pom Shake Your Bon Bon dance and a Stand Battle rematch against the Divas of Olive Branch.
As you’ll recall, the last time the two teams met up face to crotch, the scoring had been as questionably uncomfortable as the signature stripper splits that the Divas seem to throw into every one of their routines. Tick. Tick. Tick. And Boom.
Short Version: The Dolls had lost out on the First Place trophy while the Divas of Olive Branch pretty much made it rain up in there.
Dollar, dollar bill, yo.
This time around, though, Miss D wasn’t having it. As inappropriate as she felt all those Di-VaJayJay moves were…sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. You just stay tuned.
But wait. There’s more.
This was going to be a very busy week, because the Dolls were also taking part in the Canton City Of Lights Parade, which apparently is a pretty big deal if you live in Canton and pay your electric bill on time.
And even better than that…smiley Camryn was going to lead the parade!
How cute is that Cammy and her wide eyed, slurpy metal braces face? Such a cutie. If this was the Pixar animated version of Bring It! you just know her eyes would be bugging out of her head on Slinky springs and that ginormous hair bow would be spinning around like red helicopter blades.
She’s always straight up ‘Great Googly Oogly!’ every time something gets her excited. And it’s awesome. She clearly gets all that facial mobility from her Mama.
Mama Mimi that is, who, along with the rest of the DDPs, was getting jiggly wid it outside the building as rehearsals began inside.
Thankfully, It’s Rittany Bitch was finally back in the hizzle, so all was right with the world. Having her back on the sidewalk not only gave me the giggles, but also gave Seloncé one more person to mess with as she ran laps around the parking lot alerting the entire town to the fact that Sunjai had just scored alternate status for the Stand Battle.
Side note: FYI. Alternate Status really just means that if the entire team oversleeps and forgets to get on the bus, you might be able to take part in the Stand Battle. Or not.
For the sixth week in a row, the award for Wearing A Wig That Clearly Came With A Bonus Apron, Paint-On Freckles Kit And A Wendy’s Name Tag went to my girl Tina.
Just. Shut. Up. with that new wig. Love this bitch.
All I want to do now is see the secret room where she keeps all that crazy a** hair.
And maybe have a Frosty.
The next day was Parade Day. And it certainly lived up to its name, because there were definitely a lot of lights. And it was in Canton. So it all kind of made sense now.
Camryn was nervous, Mimi was nervous, Kayla was trying not to play the Captain Card and Dianna was dishing out some tough coaching love.
It was your typical local-docal Main Street route, so I’m sure there were a couple of town council people passing out buttons and at least one beauty queen sitting on the headrest of a Camaro convertible that we didn’t get to see.
But all that really mattered were the Dancing Dolls. And the gigantic vinyl Dancing Dolls banner, which was being marched down the street by Laverne & Shirley.
Or Rittany & Seloncé, maybe. It was hard to tell.
In retrospect, someone probably should have told Seloncé that the parade was not actually being held in her honor, because her Miss America Atlantic City victory walk waves pretty much gave me life. For meeee? You’re all here for meeee?
And the Dolls? They killed it.
Even when Camryn forgot to stay in the center of the street, they looked great.
Trust me, honey. If I had a penny for every time I’ve been walking down the middle of the street on a Friday night in white go-go boots and crossed into the median bushes…
It’s no big deal.
And can we talk about how they did that last sharp right turn at the end of the parade route? Totally how I’m leaving my office meeting next Monday.
Have those reports on my desk by 5pm. Strut strut drop pivot pop.
It should also be pointed out that Sunjai pats her head a lot. Just needed to be said.
After a quick snooze, everyone woke up the next day, put on their elasticized CVS shower caps (…what’s that all about?…) and jumped on the bus to Memphis.
Before they even hit the first toll booth, the coach for the Divas of Olive Branch hit Dianna up on her Sidekick. Neva (…rhymes with Diva…) called for no apparent reason other than to mess with Miss D’s head, but it didn’t work. Thankfully, call waiting kicked in and Dianna had to hang up on NevaDiva to answer a second call from Adia, the Memphis competition coordinator whose cable provider doesn’t offer The Weather Channel.
This is the deal as I understand it…
Every single person on this show has an excessively blinged-out cell phone and/or iPad with them at all times, and yet apparently not one person thought to check a weather app when they woke up. Adia let Dianna know that the entire show had just been cancelled due to a snow storm. A freak snow storm that had apparently just materialized from the heavens 20 minutes before the competition was supposed to begin.
I still don’t understand how a sistah does her hair. And now this?
Without skipping a beat, the bus driver pulled a Camryn and before anyone even knew what happened they had reversed direction in the middle of the highway and were already back where they started.
(That was a joke. We love you, Cammy.)
Now what?
Dianna wasn’t about to waste a weekend, so everyone piled back into the Dollhouse to rehearse their new signature slam against those nasty Divas.
I give you…The Stinky Diva.
The Dancing Dolls’ version of the Olive Oil Spread. But more tastefully done. And only to be used as a last resort GoForTheKill Stand Battle attack. But what good is ammunition if you don’t get to hurl it at your enemy, right? Which is why Kayla came up with the idea to call the Divas and set up a Street Battle.
No judges. No rules. No limits. No trophies.
Just Victory.
And every battle needs a Secret Weapon. Or at least a girl dressed all in pink waving a big pink flag. Which meant that Sunjai was called up to active Stand Battle duty and Seloncé just ’bout had the vapors.
In a knit monkey hat, of course.
Srsly. Did you see that crazy thing on Seloncé’s head? (Not the weave. The hat.)
It was one of those Urban Outfitters beanies that all the musical theater students wear while they’re standing in line waiting for Anime Convention tickets to go on sale.
Gurl, pleez. Just say NO to monkey hats.
But on the other hand, make sure you say YES to those crazy a** braids that my girl Tina was rocking under her chinchilla. A couple feet of pipe cleaner wire and I could make those things stand straight up like Pippi Longstocking.
Google it, kids, because that joke was HIGHlarious. Hashtag: Dead.
BTW I can’t believe that bitch hasn’t called me for Klub Nite yet.
One more quick snooze and another outfit change and the action shifted to Olive Branch.
The Dolls showed up in head to toe cammo and black football grease under their eyes. Dianna showed up with some serious attitude.
The Divas showed up in those shredded tank tops that the trashy girls are always wearing at State Fairs. Neva showed up with 40 pounds of gold jewelry and one of those metallic mesh tops that always snags your favorite sweater.
It was on. After Neva gave the Diva’s a Superbowl pep talk and showed them all what Beyoncé‘s aunt must look like when she gets sloppy drunk at a wedding, that is.
Then it was on.
Whoa, Neva. Snap that hair, Miss Thang. Just don’t break a hip, please.
Feel free to take it to the torch, though. Whatever that means.
The place was crawling with Diva Fans and Baby Daddies. JJ and Calvin and even Kayla’s Dad Terrell showed up to represent!
It was pandemonium.
Dolls vs. Divas. Divas vs. Dolls. All on a pretty even playing field until the Dolls started gaining ground and the Divas started turning their backs on them. Twice.
I know, right? Rude, much?
Dianna and Kayla pulled out the Big Guns and got all fake Stinky Divas, which totally messed with the confidence of the real Stinky Divas. Especially after Neva explained how Sexisentual her girls really were, which I think was supposed to be two separate words.
Then the Divas went into combat mode.
On their backs.
I’m not really sure what happened after that. Everyone was in the middle of the floor like a rumble was about to go down when all of the sudden some wound up Diva Fan stormed the Dolls with one random pom pom and a screech that only dogs could hear. She hit Camryn in the face with the pom pom, causing a whole new Mimi to erupt right out of the top of the old Mimi’s head. And the next thing you knew, the new Mimi was on the floor getting all That’sMyBabyThat’sMyBabyHitMeHitMe on the Diva chick.
I think Neva popped the zipper on her top, unless it was made to be opened up in the back like that. I didn’t want to freeze the DVR. That would have been creepy.
E’rryone was freakin’ out.
Tina and her crazy a** braids even stormed the floor like it was Black Friday at Walmart.
Not Target. Walmart.
As all the Daddies hung back and talked about last night’s game, the Moms all started taking off their shoes and earrings.
Except for Seloncé. Because she’s way too pretty to fight.
I feel your pain, sister. I do.
Then suddenly, as fast as it began, it ended. After a whole lot of Talk To The Hands and a few more Hold Me Backs, the crowd began to separate.
Cuz Dianna don’t play. And she certainly don’t play like this.
Lead by example: Hit the road. Not the face.
Stinky Divas say Whaaaa—?
DD4L.