When you’re done putting all that Thug In It, would ya mind putting some Back Into It and moving that couch for me?
Is that the pretty one that everyone keeps saying is so crazy?
We’re in the middle of practice and a damn couch goes flying by the front window. I swear.
You slap on pink lip gloss and put your arms up like this…My Anaconda Don’t. My Anaconda Don’t.
Like this? Like this? Am I doing it right? Hooty Hooty Hoo. Shooby Doobie Doo. Boo Damn Hoo…
Seriously. What language is that?
Don’tchoo worry. Mama got dis.
Girrrrl, pleez.
Gimme a minute. I think I’m in denial.
There’s no way the first full season of Bring It! is over already. That ain’t right.
So wrong. But unfortunately, so true. The season finale just happened.
The Dancing Dolls went to Clarksville, MS to Bring The Heat. And they brought it.
Brought it all and then left it there because it was too hot to pick up and put back on the bus by the time they were done. Yeeouch.
The moves. The passion. The hunger. The intensity. Hell, they even brought a gigantic music video floor sticker with them, which they probably didn’t need to pack since their DD4L initials were clearly burned into the floorboards by the time they left the auditorium.
What a year those Dancing Dolls have had, huh?
Let’s be honest. Up until about 20 episodes ago, unless you lived within their southern orbit or stumbled upon some youtube videos while Googling ‘Cats Wearing Hats Playing The Piano,’ you probably had never even heard of Dianna “Miss D” Williams and the Jackson, MS Dollhouse Dance Factory.
You poor thang. What an empty life you must have led.
Flash forward about 6 months or so…and Boom. Bam. And Pow.
Overnight Sensations. That’s how you do, mmkay?
So now it was the last competition of the season in Clarksville and over at the Dollhouse, Miss D was getting right down to bidnez because this one was gonna be a big deal.
For the first time this season, they would be coming face to face with one of their biggest rivals, the Divas of Olive Branch. The same Divas who had robbed the Dolls of a First Place trophy at last year’s Battle Royale and ignited a firestorm of controversy earlier in the season over a questionably inappropriate Stand Battle routine that involved a squad of young girls not putting their legs together very much.
You remember that one, right? The one that Coach Neva McGruder said was supposed to be a moving tribute to America’s love for puppetry, but from my couch looked more like Pinocchio‘s sister trying to make it rain up in here to pay for college.
Let’s just say that Miss D and Neva probably don’t exchange Christmas greeting cards.
At this week’s competition, the Dolls would only be competing in the Stand Battle category.
Dianna would handle the rest, y’all.
Dat’s rite. This week there was a Coach category, where each director would have to set down their freakin’ cell phones for once and put their money where their booty is to help score points for the team.
Along with the previously mentioned DoOB, the Dolls would also be up against their other top rivals the Prancing Tigerettes, the brand new never heard of before Dazzlin Starz and the Girls Who Bump Into You While They’re Obliviously Texting Smiley Face Emojis And Slurping Starbucks And Yet Somehow Think It’s Your Fault.
One…it’s not my fault. And Two…you’re a bitch.
As the girls got to rehearsing their Stands, the Mamas were all outside on the sidewalk getting equally as aggressive. And equally as sweaty. Or maybe even more so.
It was the Tina vs. Seloncé SmackDownaPalooza: Part 20.
I’m not even sure how it really started. Innocently enough, I’m sure. The blow ups between my two girls always begin innocently enough. But then something always happens that makes me feel like a missed a crucial 5 second snippet of video that would actually explain why gloves are suddenly coming on and hair is coming off.
Love these Mamas, BTW. Love. And make this show two hours.
Let’s get that part over with early again.
As the Mamas all came to the realization that this was the final competition of the season and that Sunjai and Kayla were rapidly approaching their final year as Dolls, Tina announced that Kayla had just signed up for a college tour. Her first one. How exciting.
Innocent enough, right? I thought so, too. At least until Seloncé (…Hashtag: Flawless…) pointed out that Tina should have already been on that bus a few months ago.
Uh oh.
Somehow the whole thing quickly escalated into Tina assuming that Seloncé was judging her as a parent. Which she wasn’t. Which Tina didn’t need (…even though, one mo’ time, she wasn’t…) because 18, 262 people had already judged her parenting skills since she became pregnant with Kayla at 15 years old, thank you very much.
(Bonus Points for keeping track of all the haters over the years, Tina. I don’t even remember how many people dumped me in high school, though it’s probably around the same number if you include three years of Summer Camp.)
But haters gonna hate. And you don’t need ‘em.
Tina lost her noodle.
Seloncé did all the hand choreography from Single Ladies again that she does whenever they fight. Tina was all like GetOutMyFace. Seloncé was all like I’mNotInYoFace. Tina did that LawdDon’tLetMeWhoopThisBitch two fists up in the air thing she always does right before she pops off on Seloncé.
Hall Monitor Mimi started working up some pretty sweet cartoon MimiFaces and knew she’d have to activate Peace Maker Mode pretty soon.
Side note: I’m starting to think that It’s Rittany Bitch knows how to sleep with her eyes open. She’s always perfectly calm and just leans back on the wall watching the show like she just scored a deal on floor seats from that sketchy Stub Hub ticket joint.
Love these Mamas. So nice I said it twice.
And then…
You know the Incredible Hulk, right? From The Avengers movie and all that?
Did you know that in the comic books there’s actually a RED one, too?
I know, right? Shut up. A red Incredible Hulk.
Just a little something that flashed into my mind as Tina flipped over the couch that JJ had worked so hard at delivering last week. I mean flipped. And then pushed across the cement like she was getting paid to plow snow in a Walmart parking lot.
Tina Strong. Tina Smash.
As the Red One stormed down the strip mall sidewalk tipping over cars and snapping off fire hydrants, Mimi scooted after her like any friend would do.
Because they’re friends. And family. And it always comes back to that. They don’t shout it from the rooftops or put it on a shirt (…though Gawd knows they could, since they wear a new DD4L iron-on transfer every damn week…) but they’re tight. Family Tight.
They may have your weave in one hand, but they got your back with the other.
Tina had taken Seloncé’s comments out of context and let years of other people’s judgements cloud her own. It happens. But where you start out and where you end up can be two different paths. And Tina has proven that to be true after all this time. Her baby turned out just fine. And she loves her baby. And her baby loves her. So there.
Tina just needed Mimi to help her put it all back into perspective.
Not gonna lie. The whole thing gave me some Feels. Fuzzy ones.
Tina apologized and they all hugged it out. All four of them.
And I totally wanted in on that DDP Sandwich.
Back inside, as sectional furniture was flying around the parking lot, Dianna was losing her own noodle on the girls. Rehearsal wasn’t going too well. Miss D was so stressed out about breaking a hip during her Coach Dance that she had zero patience for any mistakes that the team was making in the Stand routines.
She was turked up. Which is different than twerked up. Or turnt up. Google it.
Finally, it was Showtime! And Neva time! And Quincy time! And Helenor time!
Wait. What? Who?
Helenor was the Coach for the Dazzlin Starz, which nobody still seemed to know, even though they showed up with plenty of people in yellow tee shirts.
Well, they know ‘em now.
My boy Quincy Oliver had added at least one busload of girls to the Prancing Tigerettes roster since we last saw him, as did Neva, which brought her own Divas of Olive Branch headcount to about 85 sparkly onesies.
Neva brought along one of those paper fans that Kenya Moore kept snapping in everyone’s face during the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Show a few months ago. I guess Neva is also Gone With The Wind Fabulous now, which won’t make any sense at all to you if you don’t watch Bravo.
Quincy brought along some new quasi-Eddie Munster hair, which may or may not have actually been growing out of his own head. I say that because someone tweeted out a youtube How-To on attaching that little wiglet he was (…allegedly, or maybe not…) wearing and since everyone knows my complete lack of knowledge on the subject matter, I’m gonna weave…I mean leave…this discussion for another day.
Side note: Anyone notice that I’ve gone almost two whole recaps without using the words ‘Shower’ and ‘Cap?’ See? I’m trying. I really am. Death threats will do that.
The Coach Battles were pretty low key until Dianna hit the stage. A skinny guy danced around with such abandon that I thought maybe the Director’s Lounge had offered up an Open Bar for the first two hours. There was also a tear-away costume change into a really hard split. Not by him, tho. If it hurt that much just to watch it, I can’t imagine what it felt like to actually do it on a basketball court.
Then Dianna rolled out onto the floor. Literally. Rolled. Out.
JJ, Calvin and Terrell (…DDDs in the house, yo!…) rolled her out on some kind of freakin’ Mardi Gras float that looked like a cross between one of the Microsoft screen icons and a Macy’s Holiday Window.
F’realz. Somebody in the audience even yelled ‘Show me your t**s and throw me some beads’ which was hilariously inappropriate at the time.
Lawd, Miss D. That bitch was rolled out and turnt up now.
The crowd went nuts. Dianna dropped her splits like they were hot, did that Statue of Liberty thing from last week and even busted out a Death Drop that would make RuPaul and Nia Frazier so proud.
(Shout out to Dance Moms!)
Srsly. I need to find somebody to start wheeling me around town on that thing, cuz…
Dang, girl.
After Miss D finished up and the building pumped enough pure oxygen back into the auditorium to revive the audience, the Dazzlin Starz faced off against the Divas of Olive Branch in the first Stand Battle.
Side note: Props to Seloncé for working a glue gun like a Boss and making those individual fuzzy boa signs for all the Mamas. Looks like she learned her lesson after that whole Balloongate fiasco. Martha Stewart would give her the finger, but I give her two thumbs up.
Then the Dolls went up against the Prancing Tigerettes.
That PT lipstick, tho.
And then…wha–? The DoOB and the PTs got sent packing. They lost their individual battles. Neva wasn’t happy. At all. Quincy wasn’t happy. At all.
Even Dianna wasn’t very happy, because she had hoped to finally even the score with the Divas of Olive Branch and show those stinky puppets a thing or two. But that would have to wait for another day now.
That also meant that the final Stand Battle would be the Dancing Dolls going up against whoever those Dazzlin Starz girls were. (Remember my name now, suckahs?)
It was on. And the Starz held their own, I gotz to say. They kept up and gave as good as they got. Almost.
The Dancing Dolls are da bomb. And they won. They regained their title as Numero Uno and everyone went bazoinkers. I even dumped by soda when I jumped up to do the Official DDP Happy Dance with Tina.
(Full disclosure: I may, or may not, dance in front of my TV screen during moments of #FatGirlShuffle weakness and pretend that Kayla’s Mama and I are at the club getting buck. Don’t you judge me.)
Dianna won First Place. The Dolls won First Place. Everyone went spaz.
Miss D couldn’t believe how the girls had taken the initiative to practice and learn the Stands after such wobbly practices. She was surprised. But then not really surprised.
The Mamas had all raised some amazing daughters that were growing into some amazing young adults. That whole hard-working, positive self-esteeming, academic-achieving thing that Dianna always preaches seemed to be working.
And then it was over. For the entire season. But they’ll be back before you know it.
Next week, actually. For a two hour special!
Not gonna lie. When the announcer said ‘Get ready to go on tour with the Dolls’ I started packing my gym bag with all my fringed spandex and delicates until I realized that it was only a commercial and not an actual invitation for a seat on the bus. (I call ShotGun next to Tina if Lifetime ever changes their mind, though. Can you even imagine that road trip?)
The Dancing Dolls have proven all the haters wrong.
Which is something that haters really hate.
Say it with me. And Taelar.
DD4L!