It was funny the first 647 times, but now I’m kinda right t’here with the Wendy’s Restaurant jokes.
Somebody help me hold this door shut! She’s trynna get in the building again!
So you’re telling me the hair ain’t yours, but the boobs are real? Well I had that all backwards.
Lawd help me. This is like carrying an IKEA bean bag chair up four flights of stairs in high heels.
Girl…Wendy better shut that thing before someone pulls up and starts ordering drive-thru.
I know, baby girl. I’m sorry. Mama had no idea she was talking to the wrong Sunjai Disney Princess for the last two years.
AwHellNah. She got her own damn cardboard cut-out? And didn’t we just agree no more Wendy’s jokes?
Bring It! is back.
Which means that the Dancing Dolls are back, y’all.
Tryouts are over. The Teams are in place. And the weaves are looking tight and right.
Captains, Head Co-Captains, Co-Captains, Drill Masters, Butt Kissing Cupcake Bakers and that one little cutie patootie Baby Doll who always screams when she gets excited are all ready to go for another round of Hip Hop Majorette Competitions.
And with so much at stake this season, Dianna Williams wasn’t wasting anytime getting right down to bidnezz as the girls all piled into the Dollhouse for the 411.
This week the Team was headed back to Memphis, TN for the Bay Area Battle. A big dealio of a competition being held in what is clearly the Hub of the Universe for Stand Battles. Because they sure go to Memphis a lot.
So much so that the bus driver doesn’t even bother plugging in his GPS anymore, which is probably a good thing because that means it leaves the cigarette lighter open for Mimi to charge her Brookstone coffee mug heater. And you know that hyper bitch gotta be looped up on Starbucks 24/7. She gotta be. It’s the only explanation I have for her…enthusiasm.
We love Mimi. Love her Venti. Which is even more than Grande.
At this week’s competition, the Dolls would be going head to head against the Dancing Cloverlearfs, the Divas of Distinction, the Prancing Tigerettes and the Girls Who Still Refuse To Admit That Justin Bieber Is a Douchebag.
They were also going up against some random new team that I think Dianna said was called Diva Time. I’m not positive, because sometimes she talks too fast and I couldn’t reach my remote to rewind. But I’m going with Diva Time anyway, because like I always say…any time is a good time for Diva Time, a’ight?
And you can cross-stitch that shizz on a pillow if you want, bitch. Werk.
Miss D explained that this week’s showdown was going to be especially special, which already didn’t make any sense since I don’t think you can get any special-er than straight up special. Extra-special, maybe. Or a 2-for-1 special, like at Cheesecake Factory. But I don’t think especially special is even a real category.
Regardless, what she was trying to point out was that the Dolls would be entering into a rematch with the Prancing Tigerettes, who they had not seen since the Battle Royale.
Where they beat them. Beat them so hard that Coach Quincy Oliver‘s Verizon earpiece popped out, fell on the floor and almost got swallowed up by one of those random audience babies you always see crawling around center court during Awards.
So it was on.
The Dancing Dolls had won the Bay Area Battle Grand Champ title for the last 6 years, so losing out on #7 wasn’t really going to be an option.
Part of the Dancing Dolls strength is in their numbers. Eighty-Five or so strong. And I don’t know about you, but if I saw 85 girls in fringed spandex coming at me in a parking lot I’d move out da way mighty fast. So Dianna felt good about their chances this week, but everyone still needed to be on their game. Even the new girls on the Team.
Who, we found out, were called Crabs.
Not the ointment kind, though. The ocean kind. The crabs who crab-walk their way up to the top of the barrel from the bottom. Dianna was talking metaphorically, not medically, which I’m sure was a relief to anyone who has ever ridden to a competition in tight quarters on a hot Greyhound bus before.
Dianna had made the decision to toss some of the good kind of crabs into the Stand Battle this week, which made Kayla get all like Hold Up Hold Up She Gonna What? as they got to choreographing the routines. Stay tuned on that one.
Outside, the Moms were on the sidewalk doing what they do best: getting sassy and making their Bucket List for the new season.
It’s Rittany Bitch wanted Crystianna to continue building her self confidence and continuing coming out of her shell even more this year. Mimi wanted Camryn to put some mo’ thug in it, like Kayla. Cuz Kayla’s got thug in her, yo. She also has some of the best WTF? faces on the show. F’realz. Check ‘em out.
My girl Seloncé wanted her baby Sunjai to finally make cuts for the Stand Battle and Tina wanted me to go one week without a wig joke, which isn’t gonna happen.
Love them all. Dot.com.
Back inside, rehearsals were kind of all over the place. Dianna was busting out some of her classic one liners (…”You scared? Got to church and pray!”…) as the Team tried to figure out the fastest way to mash old and new girls into one cohesive unit.
As we noted last week, the producers kept cutting to shots of that one lone white girl so often that I felt they were stockpiling CNN visuals in case she ran away later in the season. And again, as we noted last week, I’m allowed to say that without everyone spamming my email because I’m a white boy who sometimes screams like a white girl who also watches CNN every morning while I’m having breakfast.
The Twitterverse noticed it too, but not as vocally as the first episode. Since I still haven’t gotten up the nerve to buck in front of Miss D, I really like that girl’s spunk.
After a snooze and some more rehearsing, it was the night before competition. A good time to fine tune any issues with the routines, but probably not the best time for Sunjai to decide that she wanted to go to her prom instead of the Bay Area Battle.
I’m going to assume that she made that decision a few days earlier, since she already had a dress hanging on the back of her bedroom door back home, but it had taken her until now to get up the nerve to let Dianna know she would be MIA this weekend.
After a supportive shove from her besties, Sunjai approached Miss D’s desk and let her know that even though she was 432% committed to the Dolls, she would be going to her once in a lifetime prom instead of the competition this weekend.
Side note: Why is there always one crutch leaning up against the back wall behind Dianna’s head? I never see any girl wearing a cast or hopping around the joint with only one leg. It doesn’t bother me as much as trying to figure out how anyone is supposed to get up into that door that’s 3 feet off the ground with no stairs (…anyone else ever see that door back there besides me?…) but I still make a KaylaFace every time Dianna sits down.
After pretending that she was going to lose her marbles, Dianna psyched out Sunjai and happily let her go to the prom. From the first episode Miss D has always said that she wants her girls to experience all the things in life that she did not get to experience.
Including prom. Wait. What? She didn’t go to her prom?
Right about now was when Dianna noted that years ago her own Mama ran her prom date away, thus ruining any chance she had of dancing to Stairway to Heaven.
Miss D should know by now that if she only lets little snippets like that leak out in conversation and doesn’t give her audience the full story, then people like me will just go ahead and make s*** up to fill in the blank spots. Which I did. And now I have a really good made up prom story in my head that I might share with you all at a later date.
Or turn into a Lifetime Movie with Halle Berry.
When she got the good news, Sunjai was so excited that she ran to the front door to let Seloncé know the prom was a Go. Except Seloncé couldn’t hear her from the outside. And Sunjai couldn’t hear her from the inside. Like on CSI: when they forget to turn on the microphone and two people just stare at each other through prison glass.
What? Whatchoo say? You what? I don’t understand.
Mimi was all like “Call and text her or something.” Rittany was all like “Don’t you know sign language?” I was all like “How ’bout you just open the damn door?”
Lawd, those bitches crazy.
Finally, it was Showtime! Or at least the day of the show.
Which meant that Mimi had to wake up Camryn. Who’s a rather sound sleeper.
You ever try to pick up one of those 75 pound bags of Purina at Petco and all the kibbles go to one side of the bag and then you try to tip it and they all go to the other side and you end up knocking over a parakeet cage and letting two hamsters lose in the store?
Yeah. It was like that.
Or like when you were little and you yanked on your Stretch Armstrong doll so much that his limbs didn’t snap back in place anymore and all you were left with was four feet of spineless rubber.
Yeah. It was like that, too. Zzzzzzzzzz.
As Mimi lay pinned underneath the dead weight of her unconscious daughter in the hallway, Seloncé was back home getting ready for her prom.
I mean, Sunjai’s prom…I think. I dunno. Honestly, I couldn’t tell who wanted to go to the dance more.
All that really mattered was that Baby Daddy JJ was back in the hizzle, capturing Kodak Moments of his Baby Girl. Cuz a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy’s gotta do.
Well, that and the fact that Sunjai has a life-sized cardboard cut out of herself dressed like Tiana from Disney’s The Princess and the Frog just chilling up against her bedroom wall.
She does.
It was just like the C-3PO one they have in the Star Wars aisle at iParty, but with a tiara. And it was awesome. And I totally want one of me now.
But without the tiara. Because Lord knows the last thing I need around the house is one more photo of me with a tiara, thank you.
Then finally, it was really Showtime!
Throughout the episode, Quincy had been looking pretty fly in his signature animal print shirt and Pee Wee Herman bow tie, but for the actual event he toned it down to more of a J.Crew at the Klub kind of thing.
Both teams kicked some buck, though I will never understand the scoring for anything on reality television. This one was even more whacked than the Toddlers & Tiaras episode where they all dressed like pirates. No idea how they chose a winner.
There was a Field Show. And a Stand Battle. And apparently some other stuff that I guess we didn’t get to see because there were a million Baby Dolls running in circles backstage. And then the scores were all tallied and averaged and divided by the median age of Ohio grade schoolers minus the number of wigs that Tina owns (..told you it was coming…) and then blah to the blah…
And then hit ‘Total’…Dancing Dolls won!
Grand Champions. Again.
Seven in a row, baby!
I felt bad for Quincy, who got another one of those sympathy hugs from Dianna that they give on Project Runway right before Tim Gunn makes you go clean out your workroom.
But Sunjai got her prom night memories. The Dolls got their trophies. And the Crabs got to see what it’s like playing with the Big Dawgs.
Oh, yeah. The Dancing Dolls are back, y’all.
DD4L!