Dat’s rite, haters. Pat yo’ weaves and shake in your boots. Cuz Miss Seloncé is back, mmmkay?
You just whip that Brazilian Bundle and let me handle the rest. Mama’s got cupcakes in the car.
Seriously. That is freakin’ hilarious.
I really shouldn’t be eating all this pizza, cuz you know some Krazy will bring in snacks tomorrow.
I don’t know if it’s my Mama or my new pink headband, but something is giving me stress right now.
I’m just saying that I know you have tasty cupcakes in the trunk. And I can see your car from here.
I’m not naming any names, but some of these edges are hanging on like Titanic passengers.
Buck, yeah.
DD4L is B.A.C.K.!
Let’s be real. Four months ago I didn’t know that the elite world of hip hop majorette competitions even existed. Don’t get me wrong…I could probably sound it out and bluff my way through a Jeopardy question, but that’s about as far as I could go on the subject.
Flash forward four months and now I’m pretty much an expert. Ask me anything. I’m also fairly certain that I could audition and make it through Stand Battle cuts despite the fact that a silver fringed, one legged leotard isn’t really my best look. Not my worst, thank you very much. But not my best.
Which makes for a nice, albeit visually disturbing, segue into the return of Bring It!
Lifetime’s overnight sensation blockbuster was back this week with (…depending on who you ask…) the second part of their first season. Or a brand new second season. I’m not really sure. Lifetime Televsion has a bad habit of turning one season into a first half, second half, mid-season, unseen footage, summer premiere kind of thing. So I don’t really know what I just watched.
Just ask my Dance Moms friends. They’re all coming back next week and I guarantee you that none of them will have a clue what episode # it is until they open their DVDs on Christmas morning.
But regardless, Dianna “Miss D” Williams and the Dancing Dolls are back! With a vengeance. And that’s all that matters.
The last time we saw Miss D and the Dolls, they had just lost out at the Battle Royale to their arch rivals the Divas of Olive Branch.
After hooching up the DOB’s routine earlier in the season (…Pinocchio Stank, anyone?…) Coach Neva McGruder had dialed down the Olive Branch’s Pepe le Puppet Pew a few notches at the Battle Royale and taken the top prize away from the Dolls.
Not cool.
So now Miss D was back with a new attitude. And maybe even some new dancers on the team. Because it was audition time: Dancing Doll Tryouts!
As a stampede of wannabe Dolls lined the Dollhouse Dance Factory sidewalk and pushed the interior of the building way over Jackson Fire Code Occupancy Limits, Dianna and Captain Kayla laid out the plan for the two day Tryout Camp. The Dolls had lost too many competitions last season, and now Dianna wanted more from every girl. A lot more.
And you know she meant business, because anyone who has a scotch tape dispenser shaped like a red stiletto means business. Clearly, when it comes to office supplies and Dancing Dolls, Miss D don’t play.
As Kayla and Dianna got the auditions rolling inside, all our favorite Mamas were outside still trying to peek through the cracks in the window blinds.
All my girls were back. And they were all nervously pacing the perimeter of the building, because just like the New England Patriots and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, everyone has to audition for their spot on the team every year. No positions are guaranteed, which meant that every one of their daughters had to Buck or Die all over again this season.
Neighborhood Watch Captain Mimi was as hyper as always, pinging off the walls like some Foxwoods pinball machine. When Pixar comes out with the animated version of this show they can pretty much just use the same face she already has it’s so pliable.
Love her.
It’s Rittany Bitch was as tightly wound as the ten pounds of braid on her head. If you squinted, she kind of looked like a Dairy Queen soft serve with all that tasty goodness wrapped around and around on the top of the cone. We love her, too.
She don’t play, either, btw.
Tina was still rocking her signature red hair, but this version appeared to be attached a little more securely than the one she yanked off and slammed on the sidewalk that time she threw down with Seloncé.
And speaking of. Phew. Selena finally showed up.
After getting all up in Dianna’s grill at the Battle Royale, nobody was certain that Sunjai‘s Mama was going to return. But she did. And she made it clear that if her daughter didn’t make the team this time around, she would go crazy. Which is kind of hysterically ironic, since she’s already crazy.
But it’s the good kind of crazy. Not the Walmart-slam a shopping cart into the side of your car because you took my space-kind of crazy. She’s definitely the good kind of crazy.
We love Seloncé and Tina, too, just to be clear.
This time around there was also a new Mama on the scene. Angelisa.
She’s Tamia‘s Mama. Tamia was around last season, but I’m not sure if they actually ever said her name out loud. Somebody pointed out that Tamia was Camryn‘s main competition for the available Head Co-Captain position while Angelisa was wearing one of those heat-pressed photo tee shirts you can buy on the boardwalk at the booth next to the curly fry place. That’s really all the important stuff.
Back inside, Dianna put everyone through the choreography they would be performing at their final audition. It was pretty basic. Some girls got it right away. Some girls poked their own eyes out. And one white girl made all of Twitter freeze up and go Wait…What?
I swear. It happened. And I can point that out without being judged, because I’m a white boy who has days when I’m almost a white girl. So there. You go, girl.
There were also a number of open positions available on the team. Too many, actually. I lost track after the first ten or twenty. Captains. Co-Captains. Drill Masters. Head Drill Masters. So many chefs in the kitchen. It didn’t help that Dianna whipped them all off so fast that I had to pause my DVR.
Then it was off to the pizza shack with Miss D and Mimi, because everyone knows that you can’t do a Reality TV show without a little nosh.
I think they were discussing their friendship and Dianna’s (…alleged…) favoritism towards Mimi, as well as the whole Tamia vs. Camryn thang, but I was so distracted by how fast the pizza came that I forgot to pay attention.
I mean, really. I don’t know if it was bad editing or if their waiter was actually the Flash from DC Comics, but one minute they were both sitting there with nothing but two diet cokes and the next minute Dianna’s almost finished with her pizza.
Whoa. Chew your food, girlfriend.
While Mimi and Miss D inhaled their pepperonis, we scooted over to Rittany’s house to watch her relive her golden years as an All-American Cheerleader. F’realz.
Wearing THE best DD4L tee shirt they’ve shown yet (…”I Roll With Dat”…) Rittany busted out some football cheers for Crystianna that pretty much gave me life. LIFE, hunty. My girl clearly loves her dancing. And her Michael’s craft store wall decals, because that living room had quotes and/or floral sumthin sumthins all over da hizzle.
And now I kinda want to live with them.
Day Two of Tryout Camp kicked off with some serious butt kissing as Angelisa showed up with a gigantic box of cupcakes for Dianna. The fancy kind. The box had fake gift wrap ribbons printed on the lid so you know she didn’t do drive-thru. Dianna snatched them right outta her paws, but then pointed out that a purse or a couple bags of weave would have scored Angelisa more points.
And while we’re on the subject, can we just address the elephant in the room?
The shower caps?
I’ve always admitted to knowing nothing about weaves and extensions beyond what I learned on Bravo and VH1. But even I know that you don’t wear a shower cap out in public, fercryinoutloud. Unless, of course, you’re the one actually slamming those shopping carts into people’s cars over by the outdoor part of the store where they sell lawnmowers and light-up Santas. Then you probably do wear shower caps. And proudly.
So can we not send anymore hate mail every time I jokingly point out that someone is wearing a shower cap? I know it’s not really a shower cap, people. Gah. If you really ended up on this site looking for anything even remotely accurate, you need to switch from Google to Bing asap.
Thank you for your attention to this important shower cap PSA. Especially since someone was wearing a nice pink one at the auditions that caught my eye.
But before we actually hit those auditions and found out who made the final cuts, we had a momentary downer over at Mimi’s house when Camryn got a rejection letter from Power APAC…that Kids From Fame kinda place that she applied to last season.
It’s their loss, Peanut. Screw them and their stupid school. Plus, you already have a glossy full color poster with your name on it up on your wall. Did anyone else see that?
Totes Jealz.
Finally, it was Tryout Time! At The Tougaloo College Campus. I have no clue where that is, but it’s fun to say. I bet their Fight Song is a riot.
After Twitter unfroze for the second time in one night (…thank you, Miss D’s belly button…) the wannabe Dolls and original recipe Dolls all hit the court floor. Camryn busted it out. Crystianna struggled a little. Sunjai did amaze balls, so it didn’t look like Seloncé would need to raise the Homeland Security Crazy Level to Orange or Red.
All in all, the group routines went well.
Side note: I want one of those “Brought It” shirts that Mimi and Calvin were wearing.
And I’m a size Medium, fyi.
The solo tryouts were when the nail biting really began.
Crystianna started out like a rockstar, but then froze in the middle of her routine. When they started to play that slow music they used to play on Toddlers & Tiaras when the little nuggets stopped dead mid-finger kiss, I knew it wasn’t a good sign.
She eventually recovered and wrecked the place, but I had a feeling it might have been too little too late.
Camryn started out with a slow, jazzy kind of swagger and then ended up going so fast that it blurred my HD screen. You Betta Work B**ch. And get yo’ Mama under control because she almost knocked Seloncé right outta her seat when she jumped up in the air during her Victory Pose. That’s My Baby!!!!!!!
Did I forget to mention that Camryn also threw about 30 seconds of major shade at Tamia when she pointed out the key differences between executing proper ballet technique and just flicking your hair like you’re grinding on the hood of a Mustang in a music video?
Because she totally did that and it was awe-some.
Oh, snap. Yeeeeeaaaah. I think she gets it from her Mama.
Then it was Tamia’s turn to shine. That girl can move. And flick it. My neck still hurts a little. And then it all came down to Hair vs. Lyrical. Experience vs. Potential.
And cupcakes vs. a Michael Kors bag.
Before Rittany flat lined and had to be carried out of the auditorium, Dianna announced the results.
All our girls made the Dancing Dolls team again this season. No real surprise there.
Crystianna, despite her momentary blackout, made Drill Master. Tamia and all her big hair made Head Co-Captain. Camryn made regular Co-Captain, even though I still don’t know the difference. But she’s young and has years to prove herself and explain the position to the rest of us.
Kayla is still Captain. Miss D still don’t like colored lipstick.
And you still ain’t Nicki Minaj.
Yup. Bring It! is back, y’all.
DD4L!