All them paper plate fans and not one slice of pizza in the whole place? Hooty Hoo even does that?
FIVE!
THOUSAND!
DOLLARS!
I can’t believe they made me drive 700 miles in a hot car just to pimp out my new show that airs on Fridays at 9pm.
#MomsGoneWild
I’m still waiting on the bill from IKEA. Don’t even tell me that new lady is already jumping on my damn couch.
Wham. Bam.
Summer Dance Slam.
It was the real deal this week as all the bucking and yukking and twerking and working finally culminated in one massive final competition to cap off the Bring It! season.
This is what Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls had been working for all summer.
And trust me. It was hot.
Literally.
And not gonna lie. It got me feeling some kind of way.
Like when you get the band back together for one last gig. You get all excited to see everybody, but deep down you know it’s the last time for awhile and that makes you sad because you’re already missing the craziness before it even ends.
And the whole gang was definitely back in the hizzle this week. Almost all of them, anyway. With a few notable exceptions, all our favorite teams and coaches returned to whip and snap and get all up in Miss D’s face as they battled for that final big trophy.
But let’s start at the beginning, before this whole thing goes off track. Cuz you know how we do sometimes when I get excited.
With only three days to go before Summer Dance Slam, Dianna and newly christened Coach Kayla were already laying down the law at the Dollhouse Dance Factory as soon as we started. This was the Big One.
The competition was big. The trophy was big. And the cash prize was big.
Five. Thousand. Dollahs. Bitches.
(There. You were thinking it. And I said it. And I also said ‘I’m Sorry’ like a million times already. Time Management wasn’t really my thang this summer. But I got a great tan.)
And along with all those teams, come all those coaches.
So you just knew this was gonna be good.
Side note: My girl Tina did a spot-on imitation of Neva McGruder back in the DDP/IKEA Lounge, proving that Mama Jones could easily pass as Diva Neva’s stunt double should Tom Cruise decide to throw the Olive Branch coach out a skyscraper window in his next Mission:Impossible sequel.
Kidding. We love Neva. And throwing people out of windows is bad, kids. Stay in school.
And make this show be two hours long while you’re at it.
This week, the teams would only be competing in Stand Battles. No fluff. No gimmicks.
Just straight up Fiyah on da Floor.
And no Captain’s Dance Your Pants Off Dance Off this week between Camryn and Crystianna and Makalah, either.
Yaaaaas, hunty. This competition belonged to outgoing captain Kayla.
One last chance to lead the Dolls into victory before a new leader took over her spot now that she and Sunjai had graduated from high school.
Speaking of. Did I forget to congratulate the girls? I think I forgot.
Congratulations, Boo. And Boo. You know you two are inspiration to so many girls out there now, right? Cuz it don’t matter where you came from or what people say you can or can not do. Just dream it. And then get out there and do it.
So enjoy ’em while you can, people. And then buy ’em an Infinity hard top.
Srsly. You see that thing JJ rolled up in last week? Dang. I needed a drink after seeing the sweet ride Sunjai scored for graduation.
Lucky for me, Antionette just showed up in the back room with a perfectly timed armload of booze-in-a-bag to celebrate the team’s final competition.
I know, right? Clearly, that new lady ain’t just about the Side Eye. She only spoke 25 words all season, but Hayleigh‘s Mama sure knows how to par-tay.
F’real. E’rrybody was slamming shots and dancing on the ceiling and couches like it was Rush Week. And I’m totes jealz that I wasn’t there breaking it down with my crew.
Watch me whip. Watch me Mimi.
Side note: Somewhere amidst all this hilarity, Tina and Mimi also aimed Super Soakers at the other Mamas out on the sidewalk, which I didn’t think you were supposed to do because…you know…the whole don’t get my weave wet thing.
Contrary to popular belief, tho, it’s actually not like when you get Gremlins wet or feed them after midnight. It wasn’t even close to being that scary. The other ladies simply ran down the sidewalk like they just heard their names called on The Price Is Right and then Lifetime ran the 278th consecutive commercial for Step It Up.
Lawd ha’ mercy. Set your DVR, gurl, because she is crazy good.
And the good kind of crazy.
Granted, she still completely messes up my television’s auto-adjust color tuning with all the purple and green Cartoon Network backdrops and her stylishly on-trend new Ariana My Little Pony Grande hair, but she can dance. Remember last season when she stopped everything she was doing just because she saw a bag of gummy worms?
That was pretty much when I decided we all need some Traci Young-Byron in our lives.
True. She drives Dianna a little nutty sometimes. But so do I.
#StepItUp. Fridays at 9pm. Apparently.
Side note: I’m starting to think that Mimi feels the same way I do about all these Unauthorized Lifetime Movies that are popping up all over the schedule.
Saved By The Bell? Really? And that was necessary why?
And time for this little cutie with the glasses to come off the DD4L bus.
No idea who she is, but she has THE best cartoon eyewear evah and needs to immediately be given a solo next season. She made me smile as soon as she tumbled out of the Greyhound into the 120% Arkansas humidity even though I could already tell she was smarter than me. She’s my new BFF. And this is totally how we’ll look hanging out at the mall together…
And Quincy Oliver was there with his Prancing Tigerettes, too. Wearing this…
We even love Infamous Dancerettes coach John Connor, who clearly didn’t check the weather app on his iPhone before driving all the way to Pine Bluff in a black pleather shirt.
With everyone inside the auditorium already fanning themselves with snack bar paper plates, that poor guy must have been feeling the burn in that hot Arkansas sun.
Which is why you should never wear pleather in the summer.
Or winter. Or spring. Or fall.
Q. So when is it good pleather weather?
A. Never. Because it’s pleather.
Even LCDC’s coach The Real McCoy, who we last saw running the wrong way down a high school track trying to get outta Dodge before Dianna took off her shoes and went all Jackson on his a**, arrived on the scene. He still had his ombré tips and smack talking attitude intact. Those all seemed unaffected by the day’s intense heat.
It was actually so hot that Rittany wanted to get naked right there in the gym.
And then Neva and Dianna came face-to-face in the hallway. Because it’s Lifetime. And that’s what happens on every Lifetime show now.
Neva and her showgirl fan came up to Dianna all like…
Trying to be all like…
Dianna didn’t even know what to say, so she just posed like this…
Then Miss D and my boy Jay Fever Johnny Harrington V Esquire The Third got the games going after explaining some Hip Hop Math which was even more complicated than Dance Moms Math and made me unintentionally zone out until the party actually started.
It was something about two teams of three going first and second and in some kind of order that may or may not have been alphabetical and pulling names and numbers out of the same coin bag they use on Project Runway for team challenges.
I swear. Competition rules are just too much work if you ask me.
Plot Twist: Whoever went up to snatch the Dolls’ trophy at the end of the competition was going to be the new team captain. That’s how Dianna was gonna play it this week. Who ever gets called…you’re it next season. Good luck, girls.
Round 1A: Dolls vs. the Prancing Tigerettes vs. the fan dancing Divas Of Olive Branch.
Results: Neva and the Divas eliminated. See ya.
Competition Day Tip: If you forget your handmade sign, just hold up yo’ baby. Same diff.
Results: Neva was still complaining about Round One and LCDC got the boot.
Round 2A: The Infamous Dancerettes vs. Xplosive.
Results: Infamous Dancerettes moving on to the Finals!
Round 2B: Dancing Dolls vs. Prancing Tigerettes.
Results: Quincy went home. Too bad Gilligan couldn’t get off the island that fast.
And then it all came down to the Dolls vs. the Dancerettes for the Big One.
Side note: John danced with his team. Or rather, his team danced backup for John.
And here’s authentic, never-before-seen footage of John entering the auditorium and performing in the Stand Battle all like…
For all the grief I give Mr. Connor, that bitch can dance. Even in pleather.
Werk.
Not to be outdone, the Dancing Dolls peeled the finish off the floor with the help of their Dollhouse choreographers Jay and Tim, who flipped over a pile of girls like it was some kind of hip hop Monster Truck rally or something. It was off the chain.
And Queen Kayla? We bow to you. Cuz that’s how you Get. It. Done.
Drumroll.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
THE DANCING DOLLS WON FIRST PLACE IN THE SUMMER DANCE SLAM!!!
(Clearly, learning Photoshop needs to be on my Bucket List.)
Everyone. Freaked. Out.
Mimi cried and made so many MimiFaces that they didn’t even register on the MimiFaceScale they were squirting out so fast. Tina danced and cried and gave Kayla a bouquet of aromatic flowers. Rittany did all the stuff she always does every time the Dolls win. And Seloncé made Sunjai a gigantic, fur trimmed Final Battle Poster that you could literally cut arm holes in and wear to the prom it was so BeDazzled.
Insanity.
And then it was over.
Well. Almost. Except for the sneaky final Step It Up set up when Dianna and Kayla ran into Traci and BuzzCut Lady (…can someone tell me her name, please? It’s rude to keep referring to her by her hair…) in the empty auditorium. Like the coach’s weekly hallway meeting. But it was an auditorium meeting.
Remember when the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills had that house party at Kyle‘s and the waiters and waitresses from Villa Blanca were all serving food and drinks and all of the sudden it was Vanderpump Rules and we had no idea how the Time & Space DVR Continuum had shifted so quickly that we were now watching an entirely different television show?
It was like that. But more colorful. And way more sassier.
But it’s all good.
That’s not good.
I already miss my girls. And my DDPs. And all of Miss D’s positivity and self-esteem building that makes this show so much fun to watch. I don’t know what the haters are gonna tweet about now.
But who cares about them, right? The haters are just Dianna’s motivators, anyway. And you can put that on a glitter t-shirt and sell it in the DD4L Pro-Shop if you’d like.
Cuz it’s true.
For now, the trophy’s on the shelf and Season Two is in the can.
And that makes me sad.
So let’s not say goodbye. Let’s just say DD4L!
See you next time, peeps.
Peace Out.