This, tho.
I gotta get back on my meds asap, cuz I swear I’m looking at a dancing panda wearing a weave.
I didn’t sign up to be on no damn GLEE episode. The hellz all this Broadway s*** on the wall?
My PandaConda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun…
Hmmph. Is that cookie dough under my nails? I don’t even remember eating that today.
That one? She’s just straight up crazy.
I don’t know what was in that Snow Cone, but I’m kinda digging this brain freeze. Hooty hoo!
Holla.
Welcome to Klub Olive Branch.
If you’re on the List, you can check yo’ nappy Panda suit at the door and come on in.
You can even drop off that tired Michael Kors purse from last season if you don’t feel like shlepping it around all night. Ain’t nothing in it, anyways.
And feel free to check that DD4L attitude while you’re at it. Srsly.
But who gon’ check me, Boo?
Nobody.
Cuz…
Oh, Lawd Jeezis.
NEVAs to the dance floor, please.
She’s baaaaack.
Get your MimiFaces ready folks, because Bring It! brought all the crazy back this week with the return of the Dancing Dolls‘ super villain nemesis Neva McGruder and her dawg-stomping Divas of Olive Branch minions.
The last time the DDs and DOB came face (…to butt…) to face was on DD4L turf and it didn’t go very well. Not that it ever goes very well when these two teams meet up, but the last confrontation was exceptionally rough. From what I recall, the whole thing started out poorly and quickly went from bad to worse during the competition until Neva finally ended up herding her girls straight out the emergency exit because of some on-stage drama with Dianna and a big bucket of DDPoo.
News Flash: Miss D and Miss McG ain’t Besties no mo’.
This week the Dolls were headed to Greenwood, MS where they would also compete against the Envy Dancing Dolls, Royales, the Delta Dynasty Dolls and the Girls Who Never Clean Their Ugg Boots And Don’t Care That They’re All Crusty White With Their Pajama Bottoms.
Full Disclosure: Dynasty Dolls is also the name of one of those kiddie pageant joints that used to be on Toddlers & Tiaras, so when I foolishly allowed myself to get my hopes up that all my worlds were about to collide, I literally had to pause my DVR and have an aneurysm. Literally. I’m pretty sure I even blacked out for a minute.
But how awesome would that have been? Really. I mean, c’mon. Neva was born to be a Pageant Mom. Gimme that Hard Face. Hard Face! Sparkle, Baby!
And give Miss Dianna a big Finger Kiss. Just like Mama taught you.
Ok. Back on track now.
This week, the Dolls would be competing in both the Solo Dance and Stand Battle categories. Potential Future Captain Tamia scored the Stand Battle lead position, while shy Crystianna finally (…FINALLY!…) got handed her opportunity to shine in a solo.
Hashtag: TeamCrystianna. We love Rittany‘s niece.
Granted, we’ve probably only heard her speak a total of 78 words in the past two seasons (…not counting the obligatory “DD4L!” cheers…) but it’s the Quiet Ones you always gotta look out for, right? Enrolled at the Dollhouse Dance Factory since when she was 5 years old, Crystianna has always struggled to come out of her shell. But Dianna and Rittany kept the faith and always believed that her time would come.
Side note: If you ever doubted that somebody who ain’t the Mama can’t love a child like the real Mama, then you’ve never heard Rittany gush over Crystianna. Grab a box of Kleenex, pull up a chair and listen to Aunt Rittany school you on how much Crystianna means to her and then we can talk.
As the Dolls got down to rehearsing for the weekend, we scooted over to the DOB Hideout to watch Neva and her team in action.
Now you know I love me some Crazy. Crazier the better, actually. Like Neva.
I Bow to the Queen.
Everything about her skips the needle right off the CrazyChart. Especially when she’s choreographing her team and whipping her new hair all around the room like she’s about to break the Dance Dance Revolution world record at Dave & Buster’s.
Rip off that fake DD4L shirt! Stomp them dawgs! Gimme Face. Gimme Hard Face!
I swear. She even backed dat thang up like she was trying to get up a hill in the middle of December with no snow tires.
Trust me. Some things can never be un-seen. Ever.
And how about that DOB henchman dude who had to run over from the sidelines and stick a microphone pack back up inside her Juicy Couture pants when she jiggled it out? Did you see that? At least I think that’s what he was grabbing at…
The Password Is: Hazard Pay.
Back at the subzero Dollhouse, everyone’s favorite Mamas were all out on the sidewalk freezing their DDPs off. Everyone except Tina, that is. She was nice and toasty warm.
I know, right? Who would’ve guessed that an insulated Panda Bear suit would one day come in so handy on the frigid streets of Jackson? And you all laughed at Tina during the Kodansha Anime Artist Panel Conference during last year’s Comic Con.
Not so funny now, hmm?
Side note: Somebody needs to tell me what mattress store is way down at the other end of that strip mall so I can get a job there and hang with these Mamas on my lunch hour.
I’m being totally serious. They have cookies in the trunk of their cars. And this show needs to be 7 hours long so I can have more time to figure out how Tawantza keeps all that blue eye shadow from clumping in the creases.
Love. These. Mamas.
And more Panda Dancing? Yes, please.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Watching everyone pile out of the bus at each week’s venue always makes me smile for some reason. No clue why. But it does. I don’t know if it’s the shower caps or the fact that they show up with enough luggage to spend a week or what. I especially enjoy the weeks when tiny Cobe wobbles out all glassy eyed, clutching his Wii handheld like IJustSpentFiveHoursTrappedOnABusWithTheseHensAndImmaBoutToLoseIt.
He is so stinking cute.
Not to be outdone, of course, the DOBs entered the building with their own rally call. Nice to see that pink zebra print is not just a Jersey Thing anymore.
Before the games began, Neva stalked Dianna in the hallway right in front of what I assumed was a snack bar/restroom combo kind of thing. At least I think that’s what was going on behind them. There was a bunch of guys waiting in a line for who knows what, pretending to talk on their Sidekicks while they tried to eavesdrop on the action. And there was also a woman back-to in the bathroom that I first thought was a guy doing his business on-camera.
Wait. What?
Clearly, when it comes to this show, you really need to watch every episode at least twice so you don’t jump to any conclusions. Or miss any MimiFaces.
Bonus Points were given to that one guy on his phone who was totally trying to act all Coolio but was totally being all like “Dude, I’m gonna be on TV!” and sucking in his gut because the camera adds 10 pounds.
Love. This. Show. (Rinse & Repeat as needed.)
Needless to say, Miss D wasn’t buying what Neva was selling. Moving on.
Bonus Points were also given to that fabulous skinny DOB guy who jumped up and down with the girls like he just heard that Zayn Malik had only been messing with 12 year olds everywhere and was actually staying in One Direction.
Psych. You wish.
Hold that thought for a minute.
See the picture right above this paragraph? With Rittany and Mimi? Besides the fact that my girls are looking so fine, doesn’t it look like one of those comic book panels where the super heroines stand at the top of the local newspaper building looking down over the city with their capes and weaves flapping in the wind while the DD4L signal sweeps across the sky?
They’re totally the heroes that Jackson deserves, but not the ones it needs right now.
Anyway.
The emcee was wearing sunglasses inside, which drives me crazy. And I’m almost positive that Bill Cosby was one of the judges. Did you see that sweater? That was straight up Cliff Huxstable.
And just when you thought it couldn’t get any crazier, the DOB solo girl hit the floor.
My Little Beyoncé.
That’s what Neva called her. Like the Pony. But Beyoncé instead.
She did pretty well, even though Dianna commented that she did a lot of the same tricks over and over. Like a One Trick Beyoncé Pony.
(See what I did there? Full circle.)
And then Neva hit the dance floor. No lie.
Neva. Danced.
And it registered at least 4.9 on the McGruder Scale.
There was so much to (…shock…) absorb I still feel like I missed something and I’ve probably re-watched it 25 times already. It was truly The Dance of The Neva.
Earlier, we discussed the Crazier the Better part, right?
After all these years of complaining that Abby Lee Miller has never once actually danced when she choreographs her Dance Moms kids, I really can’t diss Neva for shoving her way onto the floor like she was trying to snatch the last $5.99 waffle iron on Black Friday.
I’m dying to. But I won’t.
It was so IDon’tKnowWhat that it was almost awesome. Almost.
Mimi’s face, tho.
And for the third time, Bonus Points were given to the crazy a** guy who was bucking with the backup dancers. I think he was the mic pack guy from earlier, but I’m not sure.
Regardless, he…well, he…WERK, BITCH. Yaaaaaaas.
Luckily, Crystianna was out next to bring some normalcy back into my world. And she was amazing. It was this whole elaborate Egyptian Pyramid kind of thing with fancy costumes and the Sunjai Twins dressed up like they were guarding the Sphinx.
I don’t know what this Crystianna did with the other shy, quiet Crystianna from last season, but this girl was on fiyah. Fi. Yah.
Rittany cried. Strangers cried. I cried. Even Mimi got her girls messed up and cried cuz she thought Crystianna was her own kid.
She killed it. End of story. Cut. Print.
Side note: Mimi never put her Snow Cone down. Not once. Hilarious.
But that was jus the appetizer. You know the real meal is the Stand Battle. And it was on, hunty. Like nobody’s bidnezz.
The Dancing Dolls whipped their hair like they just didn’t care. The Divas returned the favor with a Football Stand complete with fake DD4L jerseys and an end zone rumble.
Things really started to heat up when the Dolls revved up their signature motorcycle routine with a bonus Reigning Captain Kayla Solo. Because why not.
The Divas last stand called for all the troops, so in came the Baby Divas who are redoinkulously cute but still can’t compare with the Baby Dolls. I mean, really? BDD!
And then the Dolls rolled out the heavy artillery for the final kill shot.
Miss D to the dance floor, please. OhNoSheBetterDon’t.
Yup. She did.
Dianna hit the parquet and pretty much burned off the first two layers of floor wax with her moves, which included a 20 minute one foot up in the ayah ayah heel stretch followed by a Death Drop that made ZaTia‘s Mama swallow her gum.
Go home, Tawantza. You’re drunk.
If you’re still catching up on some of your stories from the past week, you might wanna turn down your volume before you watch this scene. Just looking after your best interests.
And your ear canals.
Neva was not happy when she saw Miss D do her thang. Not at all.
But Bill Cosby loved it, because the Dolls took First Place in the Stand Battle. And that was on top of Crystianna also grabbing the First Place trophy for her solo!
A clean sweep, y’all.
Dianna and the girls were over the moon. And so proud of Crystianna and Tamia, because they both stepped up and got the job done like rockstars.
Neva, on the other hand, was not quite as ecstatic over the results. But it ain’t over yet.
As the Divas headed back to the DOB Hideout to lick their wounds and plan their next attack, Neva vowed revenge. You haven’t seen the last of them. They’ll be back. And better than ever next time.
I love the way Neva talks all ShaNeNe Sitcom Sassy and stuff.
You know she orders her Starbucks the same way.
Two sugars. Two snaps.
Because that’s how a Diva do.
Girl, bye.