Chloe stood straight and as tall as her 4 foot 11 inch frame would allow for in her black floor length dress. Her ginger colored hair was pulled back into two tight buns on either side of her head. She had deliberate bangs that framed her face. Red circle rimmed glasses balanced on her nose. She looked up at the ceiling and took a breath. I smiled at her, she smiled back-tightly. Clearly she was nervous. The accompanist sat poised on the piano bench. Several of Chloe's peers sat on the edge of the room. They had already performed in small groups or their vocal solo numbers. One girl balanced a saxophone on her lap. I was the only mother in the room, as far as I could tell. Another adult served as a room monitor of sorts. The room waited.
In the back of the room sat the judge. Papers and music books were piled up around her. She scribbled in pencil on a previous contestant's paper. The room held its breath and listened as the judge erased something and then brushed the pencil crumbs to the side. She wrote again with brief strokes, circling numbers, making short comments. She was serious and deliberate.
Eventually she looked up at Chloe. Chloe took a deeper breath and introduced her self and the two pieces she would be singing. The pianist played the introduction and Chloe started.
Suddenly, without meaning to, I found my eyes filling with tears.
This situation would have made sociologist, Brene Brown, so proud. I've been reading her book, Daring Greatly. Brown talks extensively about shame and ways to develop shame resilience. In Daring Greatly she broadens the conversation on shame to the wider topic of scarcity. "Scarcity is the "never enough" problem." (p 28) Shame, comparison and disengagement all contribute to the insidious nature of scarcity. Shame is that horrible knowing that something is wrong with me. I'm never enough. I'm flawed. Comparison also breeds shame and contributes to the "never enough" problem. I compare myself to those around me, those on social media, those on TV and I always come up short. I'm certainly not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough. Disengagement is the natural consequence of shame and comparison. I pull back. I choose to not show up. It's too risky. And I'm not enough.
According to Brown the antidote to scarcity is not abundance. She doesn't think the opposite of 'never enough' is 'more than you can imagine.' Instead she believes that the antonym of scarcity is quite simply 'enough'. She calls that "Wholeheartedness".
Wholeheartedness...at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness: facing uncertainty, exposure and emotional risks and knowing that I am enough ( Daring Greatly, Brene Brown, p29).
Believing that I'm enough silences the shame, even if only for a few moments. The comparison track is paused and I'm given the space and the courage to engage. It requires risk and true bravery. It means being vulnerable. Showing up. Allowing myself to be seen.
Chloe finished her two solo pieces and she left the room. Our daughter, Adelaide, came in next. She stood in the very place Chloe had stood. Adelaide's piano accompanist arranged herself at the piano. Adelaide smiled at her friends and at me. She wiggled a few fingers. She looked up at the ceiling and down at the floor. And then she took a deep cleansing breath and she locked her gaze on the judge. The judge was finishing up Chloe's paperwork. Suddenly Adelaide smiled. The judge had looked up in anticipation and
Adelaide met her gaze. Adelaide introduced herself and the two pieces she'd be singing. The piano started up and Adelaide joined in, her voice clear and strong.
It took tremendous courage for Chloe and Adelaide to compete as solo vocalists at the state competition. They had the courage to stand up in front of others, to bring their strengths, to allow themselves to be seen. I'm sure they felt vulnerable and laid bare before their peers but they did it. They dared to show up, to remain engaged.
The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time.... vulnerability is life's great dare. It's life asking, "Are you all in? Can you value your own vulnerability as much as you value it in others?" Answering yes to these questions is not weakness: It's courage beyond measure. It's daring greatly" (Daring Greatly, Brene Brown, page 43).
I'm not performing in any competition. My day-to-day life doesn't involve long black dresses and Italian operettas, vocal warm ups or practice sessions. Yet many a day comes where I feel afraid to face the next thing. My courage wanes. I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I flounder. Emotions rise like the moon on a dark night and cast shadows. Watching Adelaide last Saturday was inspiring. Her courage was transparent. She dared to be there. She dared to do her best. She invited others to see her. As much as she might have wanted to, she chose not to recoil. She chose to show up.
As odd as this may sound, I want to be like my daughter when I grow up!