Last night was the official book launch of Between Worlds.
My family was a tremendous source of help and affirmation as we moved into this event. And I was excited – to have people over, to serve Sangria and Proseco, crackers & fancy cheese, to have a summer party – and maybe to sell a few books on the side.
But two hours before the event I suddenly went into a panic. Who did I think I was? Why would anyone want to come? How could I have ever thought that I could do this thing – this writing of a book? Worse – how could I possibly believe that it was worth reading?
It was like riding a bike, my hair flying in the wind, so free, so excited – and then suddenly, I tripped over a curb and I lay there sprawled on the ground, bruised knees and ego, tears forming as unconcerned onlookers hid their laughter from this unfortunate little girl.
It was a monster of self-loathing rearing its ugly head and suddenly I was this little kid again, a little girl trying to Be Somebody. A 6-year-old at boarding school afraid of the Big Kids. A freshman in high school afraid of America. A 36-year-old mom thinking she could never, ever live well in this country called the ‘United States.’
These monsters of thought attack at our most vulnerable points and we’re left with trying to fight them off with inadequate weapons.
It was too late to cancel – and we had some mighty good food, so good in fact that I couldn’t bear to let it go to waste.
Who should come to the rescue but someone I’ve never met who has encouraged me deeply these past couple of years. Because as I lay on the couch with my aching feet propped on Turkish pillows I opened my email to a message from someone who reads and has written for Communicating Across Boundaries – Jenni Gate of Nomad Trails and Tales.
And she said this:
Hi Marilyn,
Just wanted to let you know I posted a review for you today. Here’s the permalink: http://www.amazon.com/review/R32WOUDCFY9I3M/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0983865388With her email came a moment of grace and clarity. Okay – Between Worlds will never be a best seller and who cares? What matters is the connections that have happened because of this book. The reconnecting with old friends, the making of new ones, the holding fast to truth about living between worlds and communicating that truth beyond my immediate world.
So with that I moved forward and it was a great time! A time of talking and laughing, a time of meeting with others who know this journey, a time of introducing people to each other and having them recognize commonalities.
This is the best of living between worlds – being able to connect at deep levels in places that all of us sometimes struggle to call home.
Thanks for journeying with me! Here are a few pictures to take a look at and enjoy of the event. And a fun, 7 second video with my friend Heather.
How about you? Where do monsters of self-loathing attack? Maybe not at a book launch, but surely, as humans we all experience this in some form or other. What do you do when they attack? Who comes to your rescue?
Book launch from Marilyn Gardner on Vimeo.